My mum still shouts at me. I'm 30

[Chiloquin]

Hi all

This is gonna seem like a strange post to most but I'd appreciate your answers.

I'm 30 and a single mum of 2. My mum lives with us due to losing her place during covid. She works, I don't and she's recently started giving me money for staying here. It's about 1/3 of the rent.
I always thought we had a good relationship for the most part but I've always avoided doing things I know my mum won't like. For example, not getting tattoos. I also would consider myself to be quite an honest person but I do find that I have to lie about a lot of things because my mum is incredibly nosey; eg, asking where I'm going and for friends names and numbers which she says is for my safety. She undermines my parenting by disagreeing with me in-front of my eldest and constantly draws comparisons between my eldest and I. E.g "why can't (child) do this but you can?" She sometimes talks down to me about my lack of money and my weight.
My main problem with our relationship is that she shouts at me and tells me of regularly. It can be about not keeping the house to her standard of tidy, me being out late with the kids, using one of her mugs or not driving the exact route she would have chosen.
I thought that everyone's parents did the same until one of my crowns highlighted how dysfunctional that is and suddenly I think my eyes have been opened.
Please tell me your opinions on this

Your mum I'd undermining you as a parent and she needs to back off. You're the parent of your children and you're the one in charge.

Unless you need your mum for childcare, it sounds a LOT like she needs to get her own place and let you be the mum your children know and love.

I understand not deliberately antagonising her, but you're 30, you've got this x

If it feels wrong.....then it is wrong.

Following because I see some parallels in with relationships in my own family. Not sure of the answer tbh op

I think you need to ask your mum if she’s really happy living with you. Let her know that if it is to continue then she’s going to have to let go of the idea that she is the “head of the household” because she is absolutely not. She is technically a lodger, and while she is family and welcome to stay, she is going to have to accept that this is your house, your kids and your rules. Because she is paying rent, she is entitled to help come up with some conditions pertaining to her happiness while in your home, but you will not tolerate having your parenting undermined, nor will you tolerate being disciplined like a naughty child.

Conversely, you must not default to having her in the role of childcare provider unless you are paying her. It is not her job to give you a break just because you’ve just come home from work, etc, or cook dinner for you, provide snacks, etc… You can’t default to her having the Mum/Nanna role for you and the kids and expect her not to slip back into her behaviour.

My dm used to do the same. Once she did it in public when we were shopping. I walked away rather than respond and add to the drama.
When she came out of the shop I told her that if she ever spoke to me like that again, she could get herself home (some 40 miles) and she wouldn't be welcome in my house ever again.
Make a stand. Have your teenage rebellion a bit late 😊

No it's not normal or right. Your mum needs to move out and get her own life.

Your mum sounds way too young to be living with her adult dd.

She needs to move out. I appreciate that is easier said than done but she is forcing you back into being a teenager and that is no good for anyone, especially you. She is very unlikely to have any insight into her behaviour and to be able to tolerate criticism so you may have to navigate this carefully. Can you afford for her to move out?