DS(19) drugs - how to approach without pushing him away

[Babayagadreamhome]

DS still lives with us, works full time and brings home around £450 on an average week. We had problems with him aged 17-18, hanging round with the wrong crowd (one of them has just been sent to a young offenders jail), wrote off the car we'd helped him buy, smoking weed. That all came to a head when one of the group arranged for a couple of others to assault him. There was no serious damage, just a bloody nose from being headbutted, but he stopped hanging round with them, made new friends from a hobby and we thought he'd turned a corner. He has a new car which is on finance because bank of mum and dad is firmly closed, and is paying all the costs for that which aren't a great deal every month because he'd managed to save quite a bit to pay a lot of it upfront. While he was saving we didn't expect him to pay us board but will be expecting him to do so from now on.

I've noticed since January that despite him having several hundred pounds (at least) spare every month he never buys any new clothes or "stuff" for himself. When I ask him about just about anything he's always really vague. Anyway, not to make this even longer and I know I'm going to get flamed but I checked his bank account yesterday. Because of mild learning difficulties I was the one who set up his online banking etc. a couple of years ago and he hasn't changed the login details for anything since. There's loads of debit card payments to pubs, clubs, fast food, petrol etc. but also cash withdrawals of at least £100 per week. He's got absolutely nothing to show for it and I'm thinking drugs. On top of wasting his wages he also had a £1000 inheritance at the beginning of March which has also gone.

Does anyone have any advice on approaching him and opening up a discussion without pushing him away? I feel sick thinking about the amount of cash that's just disappeared over the last few months. I feel sicker at the thought of where this could lead.

Hmm I don’t think you can say anything actually. If he’s working full time presumably he’s functioning well enough to hold down this job? He will just deny anything and you have no proof except for sneaking through his bank account which you shouldn’t have done. Then your relationship will be screwed (I have a dd the same age so I do understand how difficult it is). I think all you can do is start asking for rent / contribution to the bills and see what his reaction is and go from there. Maybe he has a girlfriend that he’s spending a lot of money on petrol visiting or something? It may not be drugs related.

Oh sorry just seen it’s cash he’s withdrawing. It’s impossible to know what it’s being used for though.

Is he being blackmailed or bullied by anyone for the £100 ?
Does he have any cash in his wallet ?
The thing is, if he was at Uni, you wouldn’t know this was going on. And I’ve been told by my kids that recreational drugs is what a lot of them do, apparently it’s cheaper than booze in a pub/club.

@Bagelsandbrie there is an on off girlfriend and he does occasionally send some money by bank transfer (that's a whole other thread!) but she lives in another town and he sees her around once a week, but not on the nights out where he's withdrawing cash.

@GeneLovesJezebel his last group of "friends" or at least one of them was taking money off him and I've wondered the same this time. He leaves his wallet lying around and doesn't have cash in it most of the time.

You must be so worried

I don't know what to advise but I think somehow you have to speak to him about this. Is there anyone else he is close to, his dad etc who he might get less annoyed with?

Tbh he is 19, I don't think you get much say in where his money goes and checking his bank account is really stepping over the line. I'd have been furious if my mum did that when I was a grown adult! Tell him he has to start paying his way, make him pay his way but I really wouldn't be bringing up drugs.

@OrlandointheWilderness

Tbh he is 19, I don't think you get much say in where his money goes and checking his bank account is really stepping over the line. I'd have been furious if my mum did that when I was a grown adult! Tell him he has to start paying his way, make him pay his way but I really wouldn't be bringing up drugs.

So if your relative with learning disabilities was possibly being exploited by a 'friend' you would just leave them to get on with it?

I wouldn't take that approach with a sibling let alone a child!

@carefullycourageous thank you. He actually talks to DH generally more than me but not about this.

There's a history of addiction in Dh's family. Both his brothers alcoholics - one died in his thirties from cirrhosis. I also have an addictive personality - eating disorder when I was in my twenties and OCD type routines. I think this makes me more worried about DS. That if it is drugs, that it could develop into more than a recreational thing. I know it can anyway, obviously, but given family history there could be more chance.

@OrlandointheWilderness I know he's an adult and I shouldn't be checking his bank account but he has learning difficulties and has been used for his money in the recent past and drugs were involved then. I'd have been pissed off if my parents had checked my bank account at that age, but I was a student living off a 1980's student loan at his age with very little spare money and I never gave my parents any reason to worry like this.

Sorry I didn't see about the learning difficulties, that does obviously make it slightly more your concern of course!

Can you do a breakdown of money spent and ask him where the money is?

Savings account etc and ask him how he is going to save for his own place long term etc

Do you do his washing or anything? You could check his pockets thoroughly if you do, or change his bedding and have a look? What kind of drugs are you thinking? I assume they're stored in different ways sorry I'm not very clued up. Do the cash withdrawals follow a pattern of certain days?

We sat down with him over a year ago (before we knew the extent of what was happening with his previous group of friends) and made a sort of 5 year plan, set up a homebuyer's isa, other savings plan for general stuff and tried to make a budget for him. There's nothing left in any account (savings are currently under £100).

His room is a complete tip and so he does his own washing, when I tell him remind him. I do go in sometimes and try to sort out the mess but haven't found anything other than cigarettes.

Cash withdrawals tend to be on the days he goes out out. We're thinking cocaine. I have absolutely no idea how much it costs but he's probably spent around two grand since the beginning of the year.

We spoke to him earlier and asked him where all the cash was going and he tried saying it was on drinks at the bars/clubs but when we pointed out that we could see he uses his debit card he just made excuses about his phone dying and then having to use cash instead, even though he takes his wallet with his card inside out with him. Like most other places, there's a massive drugs problem in our town.

I think the amount of money he has spare every week is just too much for him to cope with. I've already gone too far with checking his bank account , he won't speak to us, I'm just worried sick and don't know what else I can do.

Cocaine is feasible for a night out, and not uncommon as you probably know. £100 would probably buy a gram, which if he was sharing it would by no means be a huge amount.

This is not to say that's definitely what he's doing of course. What you'd be looking for as evidence would be a small transparent self-seal bag like the attached pic. Sorry you're having all this worry

@LauraNicolaides thanks.

Presumably there'd be a thin coating still in the bag?

Hi @Babayagadreamhomes, yes for cocaine there might be traces of white powder, although it wouldn't be unheard of to use up every last grain with a licked finger. I'd say a bag like that itself would be fairly conclusive evidence of some drug consumption, I can't think of any other reason why a teenage boy would have one of those in his pocket.

Did you manage to get to the bottom of it? I think you’re absolutely right in checking his bank account, as it’s for his safety and well-being. God knows what could be going on, and you’d never find out. Hopefully you’d be at rest after discussing it with him.