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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult Ds not come home

26 replies

fruitfortea · 09/04/2022 07:21

Ds 28 lives at home with parents. Backstory; never really kept a job, has different girlfriends, drinks a lot, always asking for money. We do so much for him I think that's part of the problem and he doesn't pay us a penny.

We had a bit of an argument Wednesday night as he was asking to borrow money to go out but I knew he wouldn't go in work (new job) if he went out. He storms out saying he hates parents, never wants to see us again and is not going in work anyway and has not been heard or seen since. He often goes out and doesn't come back all night but I'm starting to worry.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 09/04/2022 07:26

I think that's the point, isn't it? He WANTS you to worry. He's punishing you for not giving him what he wants.

Frenchfancy · 09/04/2022 07:29

No sign of life at all since Wednesday? Report as a missing person. Police probably won't do much for a young man but at least they can check hospitals etc. Hope he turns up soon.

inappropriateraspberry · 09/04/2022 07:29

If you can't get in touch with any of his friends, see if he's been on social media etc, call the police.
In the long run, he's a spoilt man acting like a 16 year old. You need to cut the apron strings and let him make the mistakes and feel the consequences.

AchillesPoirot · 09/04/2022 07:31

He’s doing this precisely so you worry.

The problem is definitely that you’re doing too much for him. Time to take some board money off him and keep stopped subbing him

DrDreReturns · 09/04/2022 07:32

A 28 old asking to borrow money. What a loser.

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/04/2022 07:33

Yes, he’s punishing you for not getting his own way.
He needs to leave your home and stand on his own two feet.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2022 07:33

He's doing it to punish you. It's time he left and got his own place isn't it? If you can check around without him finding out then that would be best.

DropYourSword · 09/04/2022 07:33

We do so much for him I think that's part of the problem and he doesn't pay us a penny.

I think that's exactly the problem, unfortunately.
I really hope your DS is ok. But it sounds like he's doing this to "punish" you because he didn't get his own way. I think you need to make some big changes in the future because he sounds like an 8 year old, rather than a 28 year old!!

MiddleParking · 09/04/2022 07:34

Twenty EIGHT?? Yeah I’d leave him to it. When he does come back kick him out.

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2022 07:38

First of all, let me start by saying I hope your ds is ok. I’m pretty sure he will be, but I can understand why you may be worried.
But what also needs to be said is that you’re raising a man-baby. He’s completely exploiting you emotionally and financially and you’re letting him. When he does stay out all night, where does he go? Because he’s most likely there now.
When he does return, you need to set some very clear boundaries.

  1. Pay you keep.
  2. Help with housework etc.
  3. Stop being rude and disrespectful.
  4. Find another place to live within 1 month.

He literally is treating the place like a hotel - but one that he doesn’t have to pay for!

Original poster
fruitfortea · 09/04/2022 07:43

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to help him and nothing is good enough. You are right, I need to set some boundaries but he doesn't accept them, he can't hold down a job, he drink most nights. I have no idea where he goes when he usually doesn't come home.
I think he probably is doing this to worry me, and I hope that is what he's doing but I don't know what to do going forward because this just keeps happening

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 09/04/2022 07:44

He is very much an adult. He is using you.
Time for him to move out.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 07:47

I’m sorry but your DS sounds like a horrible, spoilt man child. Really nasty of him to punish you for not giving into him by leaving you to worry like this. I really feel sorry for any woman stupid enough to land up with him ugh.

Iamtheweedonkey · 09/04/2022 07:49

You are not doing either of yourselves any favours. You need to step back, he's an adult, who I assume doesn't have any Sen, he seems lazy and entitled. You will go into your older years worried and used, financially and emotionally.
Stop this now, when he resurfaces, he needs to get out of the house, learn to stand on his own feet.

LoveSpringDaffs · 09/04/2022 07:50

@DrDreReturns

A 28 old asking to borrow money. What a loser.
Very helpful, Do you not think the OP feels quite shit enough???
Juniper68 · 09/04/2022 07:52

I hope he's ok but I think you're enabling him to be useless. It's an easy road to go down when it's our dcs.

Is he pretty immature?

LoveSpringDaffs · 09/04/2022 07:59

@fruitfortea

Do you have another youngish person who might know what SM he's on? They might be able to see if he's been online faster/better than you can (friend/sibling/cousin etc)

Ring the local police & explain, they should be able to help you.

As long as you can track down some activity, as hard as it might be I'd do nothing more, let him crawl back from whatever gutter he's playing in!

When he does surface, someone needs to have a hood talk to him. If he won't listen to you, is there anyone he will listen to? Uncle, Grandad??

I know you say he can't hold down a job, so at least he's able to get a job. Are they jobs he wants to do? (Does he have any qualifications/training?) or are they what he considers 'shit' jobs?

I know hes 28, but I think he needs treating like an 18 year old and some help 'launching'

Has he ever lived away from home?

zippedyzzzzooo · 09/04/2022 08:00

Can you check if he's been on WhatsApp or messenger? At least then you'll know he's alive and well.
And then leave him to it, don't give his strop any of your time/attention.

PinkSyCo · 09/04/2022 08:00

I don't know what to do going forward because this just keeps happening

Have you tried giving him an ultimatum? Tell him from now on, rather than him coming to you for money, he can start paying you for his keep. Also stop doing his washing, cooking etc for him ( because I’m sure you do don’t you?). Make his life at home a bit less comfortable for him and maybe he’ll move out of his own accord. If he doesn’t agree to the new rules send him packing. He’s obviously got plenty of places to stay.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2022 09:32

Perhaps think of it like this: if he lived in his own place you wouldn't even know that he was sleeping elsewhere at night, would you? He's an adult and to be honest if something had happened, you would know about it. He's shacked up with someone and every time you call his phone or message him, he's smug in the knowledge that you're worried. Don't get involved with it. He'll be back soon, when the person he's staying with is fed up of supporting him financially.

Original poster
fruitfortea · 09/04/2022 09:41

Thank you for replying.
His brothers have told me he was last on social media on Thursday night and on WhatsApp Thursday night. He is very immature for his age, everyone has had enough of him, siblings, grandparents, constantly asking for money. He only gets in touch with them when he wants something.
I'm trying to think if he lived on his own I wouldn't even know. Im finding it hard not to worry. When he does turn up myself and DH will be having serious words, although we have done before and nothing changes

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 09/04/2022 09:43

It’s not words that’ll make the change though. He knows you don’t mean the words

Rosebuud · 09/04/2022 09:48

Op what do you want here, the man is knocking on thirty and you know he’s just trying to punish you for not coughing up cash so he could go out. You need to try to cut the apron strings, stop bailing him out. He’s selfish and he’s going to keep abusing you as long as you let him.

When he comes back just act like you don’t care. Make no reference to it. But tell him he’s never getting money from you again. In no uncertain terms then close the conversation and walk away.

AlternativePerspective · 09/04/2022 10:01

At 28 I was married with a mortgage and a child.

You say he’s immature but tbh one of the reasons he hasn’t grown up is because you have all been carrying him, and he hasn’t needed to.

If he hasn’t been seen online since Thursday then I would give the police a ring, but assuming he’s trying to punish you when he gets back I would tell him he has until the end of the month to move out. And if he wants to know how to survive tell him to get out and get a bloody job.

Storming out of the house yelling how he hates his parents is the behaviour of a 10 year old, not a grown man.

I know it’s hard but you need to stand firm. We bring our children up to be independent, so now it’s time he was.

liveforsummer · 09/04/2022 10:29

Wow I'd expect that from a troubles 15 year old but a 28 year old adult. He's almost certainly punishing you. He really needs a reality check. Agree with the pp who said don't even react when he comes back but be clear of expectations of money moving forward. Contribution to household absolutely no loans.