Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Flip

Original poster

Adult child is walking all over me

21 replies

KikiLotara · 05/04/2022 21:44

DD turned 18 in February and has just dropped out of college, two months before the end of her A levels. Currently working part-time, unsociable hours which disturbs my sleep coming in late all the time. She also expects to now live rent free at home while I'm struggling to make ends meet. She's very manipulative and always makes me feel like the worst mother on the planet in an attempt to get her own way. I'm in the middle of a difficult divorce and will have to sell the house this year and I don't even know how I'm going to afford a place big enough for me, DD and DS who is 20. DS has paid me keep since finishing college and has set a good example but DD feels she should be treated differently. I'm at the end of my tether with her. She's so selfish and only thinks of herself. I don't know how to deal with her and mend our broken relationship 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

KikiLotara · 05/04/2022 21:51

I should also say, I told DD that if she dropped out of college she was to find a full time job and pay me a reasonable amount each month. Ha! She has other ideas, work PT, spend all the money on herself and bum around with her friends.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/04/2022 07:47

Send her to live with Dad?

Soontobe60 · 07/04/2022 07:59

It’s a difficult one. She’s dropped out of college, parents split up, has to move home. I’d sit her down for a good chat rather than a telling off. Point out what you now expect her to pay for herself - phone, car, petrol, clothes, hair etc and that you can only buy basic foods. Show her how much things now cost. Tell her you’re going to give her X weeks where she doesn’t need to give you any keep, but after that you will expect £x contribution.
Moving forward, both children need to know that the house move is going to be a huge compromise!

AmIbeingTreasonable · 07/04/2022 08:00

I'd put it all down on paper, conditions of living with you, what she needs to pay, house chores etc etc, keep a copy in case she screws it up in a temper, give her time to digest it. If she doesn't like those terms she's free to move somewhere else. Be sure in your own mind that you will follow thru, don't let her see you waver. You have to be tough even if you don't feel it inside.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 07/04/2022 08:01

Well the WiFi password can get changed. No washing /meals provided. No lifts. No cash..

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 08:01

They both need to be paying the same, if she can’t pay then she goes to her dad’s.
Time for her to grow up.

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/04/2022 08:02

She can only get away with what you let her. By rolling over you are doing her a disservice! How is she to learn about the cost of living etc

I would say if she wants to be treated independently then she cooks her own meals does her own washing and pays her own bills - 1/3 share of everything - work out this cost the alternative is she lives elsewhere or contributes weekly x amount and shares the household chores.

CalmBeforeStorm01 · 16/04/2022 19:27

This is me right now and DDs emotional ups and downs have got me resigned to my bedroom most of the time when she's in the house. She has such potential but thinks the world owes her a living, says it's my fault for giving birth to her and she shouldn't be expected to pay for anything. She has double the disposable income that I have yet I struggle while she just pleases herself. I have a short fuse so am trying to keep things contained so it doesn't end up as a full-blown row, it seems she can say and do what she wants but everything I say is taken as an attack, so I know exactly what you are going through OP. Don't know what the answer is though.

NrlySp · 16/04/2022 19:34

She’s an adult. It’s your house. So it’s time to sit down and have a conversation about sharing a house together.
You have rules. Why will she participate. What will you provide. How much will she pay?
And then a probationary period. Keep communicating.
If it doesn’t work she leaves.
How else is she to become an adult?

Acheyknees · 16/04/2022 19:34

Why does she decide she's not paying you? Surely it's your decision. No money buys no food, no WiFi, no washing etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 19:38

Letting her get away with this bullshit is doing her no favours. She wants to be an adult, she can act like one.

No phone. You pay for it, it's gone. No WiFi access. No spending money. No laundry, no food, nothing.

I'd be telling the little princess that her fucking attitude had better change, sharpish, or she can live somewhere else.

Beachsidesunset · 16/04/2022 20:03

@CalmBeforeStorm01

Maybe a full-blown row is required?

lilmishap · 16/04/2022 20:28

The broken relationship gets fixed when she stops treating you like shit on her shoe.
She's 18 and clearly doesn't need a mum as shes so able to suit herself.
She can't miss what she has until it's gone.
Make it gone

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 20:31

@lilmishap

The broken relationship gets fixed when she stops treating you like shit on her shoe. She's 18 and clearly doesn't need a mum as shes so able to suit herself. She can't miss what she has until it's gone. Make it gone

Every word of this x1,000.

Amigos4 · 28/05/2022 15:34

Hi all, new to this and was looking for some advice. I’ll try keep it as short as I can. My eldest son who is 20 has terrible anxiety which could have been caused through various reasons as his dad walked out as he met someone else. He also smoked cannibis for a few years when he was younger (which I didn’t know about) and the doctor seems to think a lot of the way he is has been caused by this as well. My son now doesn’t go out at all and I’ve met someone else whom I’ve been seeing for 4 years but it’s getting to the stage that my eldest is beginning to rule things. When I want to go through and see my partner he’s trying to stop me by saying he isn’t feeling good. He’s very angry, stressed, and very manipulating. I am very on edge with him and I’ve also got two other children who are 16 and 11. I know they can be scared of him too but he’s not like that all the time. He’s had counselling which didn’t really help and the medication isn’t doing much either. I’m at my wits end as I’m so stressed and my relationship with a lovely man isn’t looking great either because of all this. Anyone else going through this? What do you do?

Amigos4 · 28/05/2022 15:36

Meant to say that I’ve threatened to through him out but too scared too because of his mental health, my family have tried to help him too but it doesn’t seem to help 🥺

VanillaIce1 · 28/05/2022 16:04

Is it normal on Mumsnet to throw your child out or send them to their dads at 18 years old because they work unsociable hours and don't pay keep?.

SpaceshiptoMars · 31/05/2022 09:32

Amigos4 · 28/05/2022 15:36

Meant to say that I’ve threatened to through him out but too scared too because of his mental health, my family have tried to help him too but it doesn’t seem to help 🥺

There's a difference between 'throwing them out' and helping them to launch! If the younger children are scared, then a solution needs to be found. I would suggest accommodation nearby with plenty of scaffolding in place for the mental health issues.

Much is going to depend on whether he can work, getting a more useful counsellor/life coach, and possibly a specialist to diagnose his exact condition. He may have a wrong diagnosis or only a partial diagnosis. Conditions can be co-morbid.

CuriousCatfish · 31/05/2022 09:38

VanillaIce1 · 28/05/2022 16:04

Is it normal on Mumsnet to throw your child out or send them to their dads at 18 years old because they work unsociable hours and don't pay keep?.

Yes perfectly normal on MN. I doubt they the ones advising it would throw their own children out though.

LindaEllen · 31/05/2022 09:56

VanillaIce1 · 28/05/2022 16:04

Is it normal on Mumsnet to throw your child out or send them to their dads at 18 years old because they work unsociable hours and don't pay keep?.

I think most posters are of the opinion that young adults can stay at home if they're proactively saving for a house deposit, and contributing to the house in other ways.

This girl sounds like she wants everything for nothing, and her mum is on the bones of her arse and can't afford to support three adults unaided.

If you think she should put up with that crap, there's something wrong with you.

No way in a household with three adults should one be doing whatever the fuck she wants with loads of spends, while another lies awake at night stressing about money, worrying about having to sell the house, and not knowing when or if things will get better.

There's no way on earth I'd have let my mum struggle like that, whatever age I was. Absolutely no way.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 03/06/2022 09:06

This applies where I live and though it is (of course) not enforcable for minors it helps bringing DC up to feel part of a unit and responsible for its running, especially if the "child" is an adult:
"Civil Code (BGB)
Section 1619 Home and business services
As long as the child belongs to the parental household and is brought up or maintained by the parents, it is obliged to render services to the parents in their household and business in a manner appropriate to their strength and position in life."

Flip