DD 27 am I helping or enabling by lending money?

[Felinefancier]

DD 27 is on medication for depression and has recently been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, although not severely.

I'm trying to support her but she keeps missing her counselling & medical follow up appointments.

I helped her buy a house when she started uni last September. The plan was that she would let out three of the rooms, but she couldn't get on with her housemates and eventually got rid of them all.

Now she can't pay the bills and wants to sell the house. I suspect most of her money is going on weed as the house stinks of it. I lent her money to pay bills etc but she has spent it all and not paid the bills.

She manages to do things she likes - she sings with a band - but anything she doesn't want to do seems to send her into a tailspin.

Any suggestions I make that she doesn't like are met with subtle threats to kill herself. She took an overdose seven years ago so I'm always on eggshells around her and find it very hard to be objective.

If I don't lend her any more money the house will be reposessed. I've said she can come and live with me but that has not worked out well in the past due to her drug habit. Should I keep helping her financially?

When you say helped - is it just in her name or are you joint owners?
Could you get any of the bills paid directly, so you don't give her the money?

Stop helping her out. She's 27 not 17.
She will have to live the consequences of her actions. Signpost her to places that will help
She's using emotional blackmail as she knows this works, threaten to kill herself, you get the purse out.

Objectively, you should stop. You gave her the money so she could get on an even keel and she clearly hasn’t. It sounds as if being a responsible mortgage holder and landlord was way beyond what she is capable of.

Maybe think about some realistic expectations and focus on those? It will be hard, I know, because you’re her mum.

This sounds really difficult. She's 27, but being autistic will make life daily life so much harder for her.

So am I right in thinking she's a student at uni and living in a 4 bed house by herself? When you say you helped her buy it, do you mean you put down the deposit? Who is responsible for paying the mortgage and bills and how much are they?

It sounds like it's far too big for her so I would sell the house and suggest she moves to a studio or a one bed. Is she working as well as being at uni or is she meant to pay the bills for her student loan?

Beamur I used some of the equity in my house to put down a deposit for her and I guaranteed her mortgage. The house is in her name.

LadyGardnersQuestionTime every time I try to have a conversation with her to try and work out a solution she just gives up and says she doesn't want to live. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but I do feel I am being 'played'.

VioletCharlotte I've said I'm ok with her selling it & getting something smaller, but she has no income apart from her student loan so unless I guarantee her mortgage (again) she won't be able to get one and I don't trust her to pay it. She talks about getting a part time job but never takes it any further.

She pays the bills and mortgage. Mortgage £370 per month, Bills (before the recent increases) £350 per month. Three lodgers brought in £1200 per month.

Danikim151 I've signposted and even taken her to appointments but the minute I'm not there she stops going. She recently missed a debt management session with a university counsellor as well as her autism follow up appt.

If I were you I wouldn’t be giving her any more money , I might pay some bills to stop the house being repossessed but I would do that directly and not give her the money to do it .

Floralnomad yes any further loans would just be throwing good money after bad. I'm coming to the conclusion that she can't manage the house and so should move somewhere smaller, but whether she can cope with being a homeowner at all all is the big question.

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds like a difficult situation

Have you considered joint counselling with you and your DD, perhaps? I’m just thinking about that as an option for you both to discuss things in a confidential, safe environment.

Have you been able at all to discuss things openly with your DD (or does your DD threaten to take your life each time you try and talk to her)?

If she is saying she wants to sell the house, I would say this is the way to go.
Being on the autistic spectrum means it's highly likely she won't be able to tolerate sharing with housemates, and you yourself allude to her being tricky to live with.
Her bills will be less in a smaller place, and if she rents, at least her landlord will be responsible for the upkeep of the property.

I don’t think you’re helping her - I mean do you think living in a four bed house alone smoking weed all day is helpful?

For me I would look to supporting her rather than enabling. Paying for her to sit in a house smoking weed is enabling. Helping organise her medical appointments, make a plan for getting into work or at least volunteering, perhaps looking at how she will manage her bills - that’s helping in my opinion. It seems like helping to pay for everything and let her live life as she likes singing in a band and smoking weed but in the long term it isn’t helping her towards independence.

I would also want her to get help with the drug issue - people are fond of saying ‘oh it’s only weed/less harmful that alcohol etc etc’ but I think it’s a hugely hugely damaging habit, especially for those who have mental health problems already.

Omg she doesn't know she's born.
She'll end up in bills up to her neck. She'll be homeless and it's your choice to keep putting a plaster on it or not but it is your money she's wasting.
How come she's so irresponsible?
Not your example OP obviously.

I agree that weed is terrible for her health.

I would stick to 2 guidelines. One is that you don't have her live with you. She's an adult and she's not living in the way that suits you now. If you live together you will both be unhappy, but I reckon you'll be a lot more unhappy than she'd be.

The second is that you don't lend any more money. She learned a long time ago that if she threatened suicide then you would jump through hoops. That is really really unhealthy for both of you. What is happening now about her mortgage? If she's not paying it and you are guarantor, are they demanding the money from you?

My sympathy OP. I know exactly what this is like.
I lost a son to suicide.
One of my DDs was clearly (and very rightly) terribly depressed and distressed.
However, every time I tried to get her to attend therapy, to manage her finances, anything really - she would take an overdose. Four times.
Regardless of the fact that I'd already lost a child.
I was absolutely over a barrel.
And yes, she was devastated. All his siblings were.
I was confident (I know my DD) that she was manipulating and punishing me. But I couldn't/dared not confront her.
I started paying all expenses directly. Like your DD I strongly suspected weed. And given the effects it had on her late brother's mental health I know it isn't "harmless " compared to other drugs.
So after this tale of woe, which I've recounted to show you I was in the same place as you, I want to give you hope.
It was for my DD very simply getting older and developing maturity that ended this horrible cycle.
Gradually she developed some empathy, some conscience and this morphed slowly into a desire for independence.
She is unrecognisable years later.
She has qualifications that she worked hard for over three years, her own rented home. She's a single mother who takes excellent care of her DC now. She's just been offered a full-time job.
It really was a case of baby steps over a long, horrible time.
Literally tackling one small aspect of her behaviour at a time without even telling her.
Paying her expenses directly. Subtly getting her to see how awful her friends were and getting her out of their weed smoking culture.
Raving about the beauty of a smaller, cheaper home when I knew she was likely to take the more expensive one that was going to send her into debt leaving me to step in.
It was fucking hard graft. And I've since had a lot of therapy.
But that's my recommendation. Really small steps so your DD barely notices.
A big showdown will likely cause you huge grief. And that's whether your DD is manipulative or genuinely unable to cope.
The resulting effect on you will be the same.
Best of luck.

Just wanted to thank everyone for their support and give a quick update. I had a long heart to heart with DD and told her that although I was terrified when she threatened suicide I couldn't let that emotionally blackmail me.

She has got herself one lodger and is interviewing for a second and has accessed counselling via the local authority. She's got a long road ahead of her but I think she's taking charge of her life now the I've refused to do so.