Finding their independence

[jubish72]

Hi, I'm new on Mumsnet and hoping I my find some answers to my dilemma. To cut a long story short, I'm recently divorced and must sell the family home this summer when my youngest finishes her A Levels. She's not sure if she'll go to Uni yet or find work. My eldest is 20, dropped out of Uni shortly after starting due to Covid and has worked at a well known takeaway restaurant since. He says he'll look for a better job once he's passed his driving test and knows where I'm moving to. The dilemma is I can only afford a 2 bed property which means my 20 year old will need to find somewhere to live when I move whereas he thinks he can sleep on the sofa. He's reluctant to grow up, is somewhat lazy, doesn't really have any real friends other than online. I feel pushing him out will force him to take responsibility for his life and grow up but feel so guilty at the same time. Anyone else in a similar position?

Personally for me I would still say 20 is young and would still want him to have a home with me. Even at his age parents divorcing is traumatic and that combined with having to sell the fmh is very unsettling.
I have been through similar, having to sell our home once divorced, both mine were in uni at the time but I still wanted them to feel they would always have a home with me. I downsized considerably and moved to a cheaper area and luckily managed to purchase a 3 bed property....of course there is always the box room issue.
It was by no means easy to accomplish this as I had to fight my ex for a good few years to reach a financial settlement through court which was as you can imagine horrendous.
Rightly or wrongly despite the fact they no longer lived with me full time they were still my top priority.
Even with a two bedded property if the rooms are big enough I am sure they can share if it comes down to it?
Good luck as I know how hard it is.

Thanks for your thoughts. I do agree that 20 is still young to move out of FH if not ready to. He does have a lot of money saved as he never goes out so could afford to rent somewhere. Not really acceptable for 18 year old DD and 20 DS to share a bedroom. He's a good lad but needs to experience life more and living with me makes me the enabler for him to do nothing for himself. Please don't get me wrong, i would never chuck him out, I love my son and just want the best for him. Finding his independence I feel would help him transform from boy to man.

How independent is the 20 year old? Does he cook? Do any washing? Empty the dishwater? Etc. it would be unfair to push him out of the family home without preparing him first.

Do you realise how expensive it is to rent somewhere? Will his pay cover rent, food and bills?

Lots of dc socialise via the internet nowadays, rather than in person. That’s not unusual.

@jubish72
@jubish

You have two user names?

I separated when my youngest 18 and had 23yr old still at home. There is no way I would have wanted them to leave at that stage. I bought a 2 bed terraced but did a loft conversion to make a third bedroom. I have in the past slept in the lounge on a sofa bed to enable my three sons to have a bedroom each. Perhaps you could find a suitable style of 2 bed so that you could use a downstairs room for a bedroom. They have always been and will always be my top priority no matter what age they are. Boys in particular seem to grow up slower than girls, although it's probably frowned on to say so😏 Personally I always think it should be the child's idea/decision when to leave. My youngest still lives with me from his choice despite having loads of savings, he doesn't see the point in wasting money on rent. It doesn't mean that he can't cook for himself or 'adult' when necessary🤷

[quote Riverlee]@jubish72
@jubish

You have two user names?[/quote]
New member and just amended username

Okay, from reactions so far maybe I'm being unfair to my son. I have domesticated him somewhat though...he does his own washing, changes his bed linen when asked, can cook basic stuff when he can be bothered if I'm not cooking and he spent 5 months at Uni fending for himself until lockdown became just too isolating for him and all his flatmates returned home and he was left there alone.
I hope to find a small 2 bed Victorian property with thru lounge that can be returned to two rooms which would give me the third bed then.
Anyone who's been through a tough divorce will know you're forced into a corner and left having to make some tough, life changing choices.

Would he consider uni again, or an apprenticeship?

@SparklingLime

Would he consider uni again, or an apprenticeship?

He says he's done with eduction. Uni life wasn't the experience he'd hoped for because of all the lockdowns and he struggled with the online learning, which still seems to be the case for most lectures from what I've heard.

@jubish72 my youngest son didn't want to go to uni either but after some pretty awful jobs he decided to go at 24 (he stayed at home for it though as he didn't want to get into debt) and now works in the NHS. All my boys have been quite old before fully through with education and knew what they wanted to do, hence why I said they seem to take quite a long time to grow up, but they get there in the end! Try not to worry💐