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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Am I selfish for not wanting to stay in a Covid-infested house?

55 replies

SurferBoy02 · 18/01/2022 10:49

My five year old brother and stepdad recently tested positive for Covid so I have asked my grandparents if I could come and stay with them to avoid getting it (obviously I'll do everything I can to ensure I avoid bringing it to their house). My Mum is complaining now that it messes up her plans as she needs to be able to take the other two children (7 and 8) to school but she can't if there is no-one else to stay home with my brother as my stepdad can't get out of bed. She is saying now that it's far from ideal but she may take him with her and ask someone from the school to come and get the other two children from the car and take them in.
Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

AltheaVesr1t · 18/01/2022 12:12

I find it quite strange that so many people feel that the OP has no obligation to support his family when they are going through a difficult time. Of course we have an obligation to support our family, because it's the right thing to do, and because we can expect them to support us when we need it. OP is not a child, but children should be taught this from a young age, or they will grow up to be very self-centred adults.

Quite beside that point, leaving a household with Covid to stay with elderly people who do not have Covid is a terrible idea.

Sirzy · 18/01/2022 12:17

The selfish thing would be to potentially infect your grandparents.

If your step dad is that vulnerable your mum is probably pretty scared so even if you can’t help in terms of childcare I would be staying to provide her to emotional support she may need

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/01/2022 12:18

Unreasonable - you are going to risk passing it on to your grandparents and you should pitch in and help your mum and step-dad.

Wankerchief · 18/01/2022 12:19

My kids haven’t grown up selfish, as I said currently have a child with covid and his adult brother has chosen to help, key word there is chosen. Because he’s sn adult, it’s his choice to risk getting covid not mine to make on his behalf.
Op should be able to make her choice, her reasons are her own

Being born into family doesn’t make you obligated to babysit when there are two adults in the house, can’t believe dad can’t watch him for ten mins or so tbh

Also grandparent first mean old and dodery. They could be working full time, fit and happy to have op in the house

DropYourSword · 18/01/2022 12:27

Two separate issues here:

If your stepdad is so ill that he couldn't possibly drag himself out of bed to care for his own kid for the length of a school run then he shouldn't be at home! I get the impugned not actually that sick and he's probably feeling a bit sorry for himself. If you weren't living there he'd have to just deal with it! But:
I think it would be very selfish of you to move in with you mr grandparents at this time because statistically they're at a greater risk than you. There's no way you can ensue you prevent potentially taking it with you and making them sick. I think you should stay where you are.

PassingByAndThoughtIdDropIn · 18/01/2022 12:28

Grandparents to a nineteen year old may not mean doddery but definitely does mean old. Presumably mother had OP while relatively young but GPs still must be 60ish so massively more at risk than OP.

PassingByAndThoughtIdDropIn · 18/01/2022 12:30

And yes of course you can be ill enough with a virus to be bedbound without needing hospitalisation. Loads of people were immobilised from vaccinations for 3-24 hours without needing any medical care at all beyond a Lemsip.

SoupDragon · 18/01/2022 12:30

Should her family help and support her to not catch covid?

🙄 That's utterly ridiculous. If she were CEV and isolating to keep herself safe, yes. If she's out and about as normal, then clearly it isn't a issue.

I would be disgusted if my children didn't help when I needed them to.

LIZS · 18/01/2022 12:32

Can you offer to do the school run?

Wankerchief · 18/01/2022 12:33

You don’t know her circumstances though, she could be, or she could need to work.
You all just assuming she’s mean not to do it.
Dad might be a lazy fuck not looking after the kid
Mum might have other options but I’d defaulted to op because she can

Why is she selfish?

Wankerchief · 18/01/2022 12:34

She has not i’d*

MerryPoppings · 18/01/2022 12:38

Are you medically vulnerable yourself? Are you vaccinated? Do you go out to work?

I think it seems selfish that you want to avoid getting ill but don't seem worried about taking that illness to your grandparents and making them ill.

Original poster

SurferBoy02 · 18/01/2022 12:40

@LIZS

Can you offer to do the school run?

I offered to walk them to school (I don't drive) but my mum doesn't want them walking as it's a 45 minute walk and temperatures are absolutely baltic at that time of morning at this time of year. I was meant to say that my stepdad is isolating at our chalet at a holiday park. He was going to come home and help when he found out about my brother but it was only went he tried to get up and dressed that he realised he'd be too weak to drive himself home. My mum suggested taking my brother to stay there but my stepdad said not to as the heating isn't working there so it would be too cold there for him, especially considering that he's got a lung condition.

OP posts:

Original poster

SurferBoy02 · 18/01/2022 12:41

@MerryPoppings

Are you medically vulnerable yourself? Are you vaccinated? Do you go out to work?

I think it seems selfish that you want to avoid getting ill but don't seem worried about taking that illness to your grandparents and making them ill.

I do work but luckily I'm on holiday leave this week anyway

OP posts:

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 18/01/2022 12:42

I wouldn’t risk seeing my grandparents if others in my house had covid

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2022 12:45

No, don't potentially take covid to your grandparents.

You should be testing every day in case you catch it.

By the time you get the positive test at your grandparents, you'll have already exposed them.

Covid is likely to be worse for them than for you.

And as a matter of helping out, what happens if your Mom has to take the 5 yo to hospital if he gets worse?

timeisnotaline · 18/01/2022 12:49

I wouldn’t. At 19 I had an 8 year old brother and several siblings in between and I’d have stayed and helped. I definitely wouldn’t go anywhere near my grandparents! Umm, is your mum not worried about your stepdad being sick with no heating? It also seems strange she considered sending a 5yo with a lung condition off to be looked after by a man not well enough to drive - I don’t think I’d be comfortable my 5yo was being properly cared for and it’s probably further from hospitals too. Odd all around.
Is there more of a backstory? Eg that you are the house Cinderella? Otherwise your stepdad should come back as soon as well enough so he can help, your mum should be watching your 5yo brother carefully for if he needs a hospital, and you staying out of their way but helping where you can. And hopefully step dad is better to step in if anyone else gets ill.

Tabitha888 · 18/01/2022 12:52

You'll like contact the virus anyway, and give it to your grandparents. So yes you are being selfish! Just ride it out. If you get it, you get it. You can't avoid it forever!! X

PippaPoppet · 18/01/2022 13:02

This variant is so infectious, you’ve been exposed and you’re probably going to test positive any day now. I would stay well away from any grandparents if I were you. My son tested positive on 01/01 and every single one of us have caught it from him. Family of 6.

NYnewstart · 18/01/2022 13:03

You may already be infected as they would have been contagious before they had symptoms.
Don’t take it to your gps.

Otherwise yanbu

Original poster

SurferBoy02 · 18/01/2022 13:08

I have decided to not go to GPs and stay home and help.

If my brother ends up having to go to hospital, me and my Mum have agreed that either I will go with him and keep both SD and her updated and she will stay home with the other two so that they can still go to school, or I will stay home with them and they won't go to school. Which one of those we go ahead with will depend on wether or not one of them have tested positive by that point. Neither one of those are ideal but I think they're our only options

OP posts:

Diggersaursarethebest · 18/01/2022 13:10

Stay at home OP. Just because you haven’t tested positive yet it doesn’t mean you won’t tomorrow. It’s pretty likely to be honest. Don’t risk infecting your grandparents, it’s not fair on them and you will feel awful if they get very sick because of you.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2022 13:10

I'm glad op. This is a time to pull together and as a an adult in the home, that means staying and helping. Hopefully SD will be well enough soon to come home but I'd make sure you and Mom and doing LFTs daily, and the other kids if they can

Diggersaursarethebest · 18/01/2022 13:12

Sorry cross post. Sounds like a plan. Sorry it’s shit being at home with covid going through the house. Same thing happening in my household at the moment. Your mum, SD and siblings will all be grateful you decided to help.

Original poster

SurferBoy02 · 18/01/2022 15:51

Brother has been taken to hospital. Looks like childcare's going to be on me for the next few days. Thanks for the advice

Really struggling with one of my DS's though. She's a 7yo with autism. She's been shouting at me telling to shut up, telling me I shouldn't be cuddling him as he's got Covid, point-blank refusing to do anything I tell her. I can't shout at her as that just causes her to lash out. Half of me feels like I should just let her go to avoid making it worse but the other half feels like that would be letting go of what little (if any) authority I have over her as she will just think she can do whatever she wants. I'm qualified in childcare so I should really be able to do with it but I just don't know what else to do, and she's not even my daughter so I can't imagine what it must be like for parents worse off than this. Any advice please??

OP posts:

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