Kids / dad relationships

sundaydad · 2022-01-02T11:12:47+00:00

Separated approx 3 yrs I get to spend 2 Sundays a month with my 4 children I'd like more but hey ho. My problem now is that I'm given terms and conditions from them to come and visit me Being We will only visit if you take us to the cinema , shopping , out for food etc And I'm getting a bit annoyed that they no longer want to spend time with me But just use me for entertainment It would be nice just for them to visit to see how I am , small talk etc I live a walking distance from them but never see them apart from the arranged Sunday So for now I've not made any arrangements to take them out and to see how long they take to get in contact with me Some advise on how I should approach this or am I being unreasonable

Brainstorm21 · 05/01/2022 00:11

What age are they OP?

RoyKentsChestHair · 05/01/2022 00:49

I’d sit them down and say that you’re hurt by the idea that they’re only visiting you for treats and special trips and that you’d hope they just wanted to spend some time together as they only get to see you a couple of times a month. Regardless of how old they are, they should understand that their grabby behaviour is unkind and that their relationship with their dad should be important in its own right.

Original poster

sundaydad · 05/01/2022 07:19

Ages are 9 -14

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Kbyodjs · 05/01/2022 07:25

I guess the question is what do you do if you don’t go out with them? Do you find ways to still make the day fun even if that’s at your home? If you don’t really do anything with them if you don’t go out then I see their point. Do they have things at yours to do?

NeedsCharging · 05/01/2022 07:46

Do you only see them 2 days a month no overnights?

Holly60 · 05/01/2022 08:14

I don’t think it’s reasonable really to expect your kids to come over and do ‘small talk’ and want to know how you are in any depth.

I think they may be telling you they don’t want to just come over and not do very much. How about a compromise where you do fun activities but try to make them free/low cost?

Original poster

sundaydad · 05/01/2022 12:28

@Kbyodjs

I guess the question is what do you do if you don’t go out with them? Do you find ways to still make the day fun even if that’s at your home? If you don’t really do anything with them if you don’t go out then I see their point. Do they have things at yours to do?

I don't have an issue with taking them out. My issue is the that the only reason they visit is for me to take them out And can't be bothered to visit unless I take them out It would be nice for them to call in sometimes without expecting me to take them somewhere I have fairy big house PlayStation, Netflix etc They would never sit at my house to watch a film , but would expect me take them to the cinema instead

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Original poster

sundaydad · 05/01/2022 12:32

@NeedsCharging

Do you only see them 2 days a month no overnights?

Yes Only twice a month My ex wouldn't allow them To stay over with me or anyone else Even grandparents even when they were babies

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ChateauMargaux · 05/01/2022 12:36

It is in your power to change this dynamic!

They are too young to turn up on their own and unless you foster this type of relationship with them, it will not happen spontaneously!

Turn up, every allotted Sunday and build a relationship with them that benefit from. Develop some joint interests.. find out what they enjoy doing outside of spending money.

GroggyLegs · 05/01/2022 12:43

So for now I've not made any arrangements to take them out and to see how long they take to get in contact with me

You want to build a better relationship with them, so you've stopped talking to them?

NeedsCharging · 05/01/2022 12:56

Yes
Only twice a month
My ex wouldn't allow them

Unless you are a danger to your children that's not her call.
You only have them twice a month so they have 28 days to stay in the house and watch movies. As they only spend 2 days out of at least 30 with you they want to do activities and that's understandable.

It would be nice for them to call in sometimes without expecting me to take them somewhere

It is not their responsibility to organise contact time with you.
From their point of view you apparently don't want to see them more than twice a month so why should they the children make the effort?

If you want a mixture of activities and chill out time with your children then be a grown up and sort out more contact time!

Brainstorm21 · 05/01/2022 15:59

2 days a month is ridiculously low. There's no way you could maintain any kind of meaningful relationship with them with such low contact. Do you talk to them on phone, message them in between times? Or literally no contact outside these days?

What's the back story here? I know it seems like people are giving you a hard time but the 2 days a month is hard to understand. How did you end up with this arrangement?

Original poster

sundaydad · 05/01/2022 20:36

@Brainstorm21

2 days a month is ridiculously low. There's no way you could maintain any kind of meaningful relationship with them with such low contact. Do you talk to them on phone, message them in between times? Or literally no contact outside these days?

What's the back story here? I know it seems like people are giving you a hard time but the 2 days a month is hard to understand. How did you end up with this arrangement?

The two older children have messenger , but they don't use it often and messages go unread Or if they do send me a message it to ask for something they want me buy for them

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Brainstorm21 · 05/01/2022 21:12

Why do you only see them 2 days a month??!!

Original poster

sundaydad · 13/01/2022 21:38

@Brainstorm21

Why do you only see them 2 days a month??!!

This is all my ex allows Not much I can do except take her to a court hearing

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PurpleThursdays · 13/01/2022 21:43

Assuming you have parental responsibility for the children, I'm fairly certain you dont need to go to court to arrange more time with them? Unless there is a back story re safeguarding or something? If there's nothing of concern, I dont see why you can't renegotiate contact with your ex wife

Keepitonthedownlow · 13/01/2022 21:49

You are expecting too much from your children, you are the adult. Kids are generally self absorbed and I don't think playing games with them will end well. You need to be open and communicate with them. You also need to push for more contact.

CheshireChat · 13/01/2022 21:52

How was your relationship with them prior to the split? Did you guys just spend time together or did you just take them our occasionally?

Bailey415 · 13/01/2022 21:57

Please take it from someone who's father always left it to me to get in contact with him. Do not leave it to them to message you, you are the parent and they are the minors and still too young to understand how communication works effectively. When they are older they will then know that at least you always tried x

Original poster

sundaydad · 13/01/2022 22:39

@PurpleThursdays

Assuming you have parental responsibility for the children, I'm fairly certain you dont need to go to court to arrange more time with them? Unless there is a back story re safeguarding or something? If there's nothing of concern, I dont see why you can't renegotiate contact with your ex wife

We were never married You can't negotiate with my ex , it's a part of the reason we are no longer together The children have never left her for one night Not even to stay with grandparents. She was so protective that she once shared a room with 3 of the youngest In 2 double beds in one room That's when I knew she had a problem

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Original poster

sundaydad · 13/01/2022 22:41

@CheshireChat

How was your relationship with them prior to the split? Did you guys just spend time together or did you just take them our occasionally?

I get on very good with my children, never had an issue Until I went on holiday and asked if they could visit before I go They never did

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MioneAnna · 13/01/2022 22:44

Cmon OP. 2 days a month? You need to push for more than this. That's no time at all. If not agreed to then court it will have to be! Even self representing you'll be given more time than that as long as there's nothing like DA or substance misuse etc you've not told us about.

Barrawarra · 13/01/2022 22:51

I’m sorry but you are coming across as a bit of a child. I can’t imagine how hard it is to see so little of your children, so I realise you are in a hard situation, but they do not exist to meet your needs. You are the adult, and you are the one that is not in their lives. Regardless of whose fault it is, the main thing is how do your kids feel about that? Do they know you want to be with them more? Do they see you fighting to make that happen? It doesn’t sound like it. Of course you may want to put boundaries around not paying for cinema every time for example (although I don’t really see why) but you need to be doing everything you can to show them how much you care. Keep messaging them, letting them know you love them, even if they don’t reply FOR YEARS. I’m sorry but this is not about you. If you start to put them first then I’m sure they will want to spend more time with you anyway.