Son and older woman

[poppym12]

I posted a while ago but can't find my thread, sorry, about my 22 year old son being in a relationship with an older woman with 2 children. The first I knew about said relationship was when he rang me asking if she and her children could move into my flat, my bed, to get away from her psycho ex (I'm away a lot for work so son lives there). I said no and told him that domestic violence needs police, women's aid etc.

Fast forward to now and I saw my son (briefly) on Christmas day. He avoided eye contact, couldn't wait to get away and made up the excuse that he was too full from eating the day before to manage much Christmas lunch.

He looked awful. Gaunt, skinnier than normal (he's very thin anyway). I didn't ask any questions but tried to chat about general stuff.

Fast forward to now it seems said lady is 40, has 4 children and her ex is a hard man drug dealer. Apparently there is an injunction against him and son became involved with her as her relationship was unhappy. Her eldest child is a few years younger than my son.

Communication between me and my son is very limited. One word answers if I ask how he is, what's going on at work etc. He contacts me to order groceries for him.

I don't know why I'm posting this really. It's his life to lead, his decisions to make. I guess I'm just scared. Fearful for what he's involved in and very worried about the repercussions because of the ex.

That sounds very frightening, OP. Do you message each other? Could you say that you're worried about him and that he always has a home with you? You could also say that if he wanted to make a fresh start you'd support him. It sounds as though he's in way way too deep.

I remember your previous thread. This is such a difficult situation, and there's nothing you can do about any of it. Confronting him would only make matters worse. I don't have any advice, but I definitely sympathise with what you're going through.

I have to keep messages very light and non specific. He's been a closed book for many years. He's an anxious and sensitive young man and although he seems smitten with her, I too think he may be in too deep.

It seems like she has a big family, something I could never provide him with growing up. He's an only child with no cousins.

I'm so very worried. I've asked his dad to try to see him (we divorced 16 years ago) and apparently son has let him down the last 3 times they arranged to meet saying he was seeing her. I fear these are just excuses to avoid his dad.

He's been a regular weed smoker for years and apparently she's a big vodka drinker so he takes a bottle round to hers, presumably when the children are in bed.

I've had worries about my son for a long long time as he's always been very easily lead and desperate to fit in somewhere but this is different. Another level of worry.

As always his dad buries his head in the sand.