My daughter has morphed into a different person!

[joencaitlinsmum]

My daughter has morphed into a different person since starting university in September and I don't recognise her anymore 🥲

Yeah I get that she is independant which I have taught her to be but her selfishness when she home is on another level. Feel so unappreciated and just like we are here to pick up the pieces when she wants us.

Her and I had a very close relationship before she went think that's half the problem and I'm coping to her being away. It's just hard when she is home as look forward to it then seem to lock horns over many aspects.

Help!!

What sort of things do you mean by selfish?

Could you take her out for a coffee (away from the house) and get to the bottom of it? Sometimes a change of scene can help improve the discussion.

If she is not pitching in, then you may need to have a discussion about expectations. Sometimes easier said than done though, I know....

it will pass, this is all part of you letting go and her becoming an adult, be patient, make sure she can come to you if there is a problem and then leave her too it. Is it really such a big deal, ask yourself is she really being selfish or just not doing what you want her to ?

I get this !
My DD has moved in with her boyfriend and the change is upsetting !
But perhaps my DM felt the same way when I left.

It's sad my daughter has changed too . I feel she is irritated by me and feel I have lost her. I've cried a lot

My DS feels like he’s not part of the family anymore !
I feel like he tolerates us for the minimum time he can get away with.

The first Christmas home after starting uni is a ‘thing’. It’s the adjustment between the freedom of uni and the natural constraints of home eg other people have made your food, there is an expectation you’ll let them know if you don’t want to eat etc etc. I would stay busy with your own stuff, don’t engage, wave her off happily when she leaves for uni and it’ll lift.

I was slightly peeved that DS didn’t let us know he was coming home one night. He would have done when living at home, but obviously pleases himself at Uni.
It’s a change we’ve all got to adapt to.

I think there was a Guardian article on this... expect your first year students to return at Christmas as Tossers.. or something to that effect!

She won't always be like that, don't worry. It's part of separating from parents. Any knobhead behaviour though should be nipped in the bud. She will know SO much better than you on all things - don't even bother arguing about those things. If she's bossing you about though, or treating your home with disrespect, you need to pull her up on it.

@GoodnightGrandma

I was slightly peeved that DS didn’t let us know he was coming home one night. He would have done when living at home, but obviously pleases himself at Uni. It’s a change we’ve all got to adapt to.

Wasn’t coming home

It's sad my daughter has changed too . I feel she is irritated by me and feel I have lost her. I've cried a lot

This happened to me too. Eventually it changed back to being more or less a normal relationship but I still sometimes feel she is irritated by me (rarely though).

It's tough being a mum of adults!

She’s growing up.

She won’t always be this way.

Think of this like a pendulum period - they swing from independent to childlike for a while. If you were v close before she went away, that's lovely but a daughter has to go through a period of rejecting her mum psychologically in order to find her own sense of self. So for you it's happening as she's say 19, rather than 13.

Don't judge. Say nothing negative. Affirm your confidence in her ability to navigate the world and make the right choices for her. So eg not, "I think you did the right thing ..." but "I'm confident you will make the best decision for you".

Role model a strong loving and wise adult woman. She'll come back to you, amazed at how wonderful you really are! Give her time.

DH and I used to say to each other 'they know best' when our dc reached this age - they suddenly think they know everything when they obviously don't, but you don't get anywhere if you criticise or challenge too much. Your dd will be a different person again at the end of all this, but hopefully one you will get on with again.

We had one massive row when I’d returned from work and ds was still in bed, with the house looking like an utter shit tip because he hadn’t lifted a finger. He booked a ticket back to uni; I asked him if he really was serious about that. Left it half an hour and he and I talked and both acknowledged that coming home from uni was hard. My mum remembered (I’d happily erased the memory) that I was an utter bitch when I came home from uni and she told me that she was completely foul to her mother in turn when home from Leeds in the 60s. It’s a thing. We were happier after the major blow out, but we do talk very directly in this house…clearing the air is important.

This is a really excellent book.

Or maybe she is being the person she always was and didn't feel she was able to show around you?

Ds2 was the same last year. This year he’s so much ‘normal for him’.

Thought virtually all teens did this at some point?

It’s a way of detaching and becoming independent. And redefining themselves as an adult.

Loads of change at that age.

It made my sad at first and I actually disliked this new personality. But I realized I needed to stop ‘babying’ him and just let him get on with things.

Think it’s hardest with youngest child as it’s more noticeable that they’re not around. Then they come back and you feel as though things will go back to how they were. But you’ve stayed the same and they’ve undergone huge changes.

I think my job is to support him as and when he needs it and trust I’ve given him the skills he needs be able to look after himself and make sound decisions..

Is there a book about the 7 stages of parenthood?? After the early transitions, we also have to transition to parents of young adults and then to parents of older adults and finally to parents where our children are in a position to advise and guide us and often parents whose children look after us..@Sewaccidentprone’s words are wise! There is also the perspective that you made this selfish guy!! Or maybe the mantra in teenage transitions that they are trying out these git personalities at home where they know they are loved and can come back later if it doesn’t work out!!