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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Interfering families

22 replies

Spring2121 · 21/12/2021 20:40

Grrr my sons gf family are just so controlling. Once again I don't have him for Christmas Dinner. Been asking my son for weeks what he is doing and he said he didn't know. Of course he knew. So I get left with a hour or so visit in the morning whilst he spends all day with her family. Every birthday, Christmas it's the same her family go right over the top. Feel hurt, angry and second best. Advice please because I am becoming very bitter and want to give my son a peace of my mind and her family for being so bloody selfish.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 21/12/2021 20:43

This is on your son. Not his GF's family. I know it's easier to blame them, but you shouldn't.

FTEngineerM · 21/12/2021 20:43

Every birthday, Christmas it's the same her family go right over the top

What does this mean?

If they do big celebrations for everything and you typically don’t make a fuss they will go to which ever suits them best. Unfortunately they seem to like having a big celebration.

Try to organise one?

Ragwort · 21/12/2021 20:45

Why don't you invite your DS and his GF for a meal on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? Be more proactive, don't just wait for him to tell you what he is doing.

FieldOverFence · 21/12/2021 20:47

Are your son & his GF adults? Surely they can choose where they want to go? Or are they being pressured unduly?

Ginger1982 · 21/12/2021 20:51

Hmm... tricky one. He needs to be the one to stand up to it if he doesn't want to go though. Do you have other children? Does his girlfriend have siblings? I often think that makes a difference.

Trixiethewhore · 21/12/2021 20:56

Have you posted about this before? This rings a bell.

Original poster

Spring2121 · 22/12/2021 06:38

Thanks for your replies. I am more disappointed with my son for not telling me the truth. Been asking him for weeks what he was doing so I could make plans. He has avoided a direct answer because his gf has told him he is expected at her parents for Christmas day. The gf parents make a huge fuss of my son buying expensive presents and expect him to fall in with their family ways. I little truth and appreciation would go a long way not to mention a compromise. What's wrong with spending time with his own family for half a day and half the day with her family? I will ask my son and his gf to come for a meal when they next have time off. On the flip side I still feel hurt that her parents have no consideration for me as a mother. I wouldn't keep the gf from being with her family on Christmas day. My son tells me he is an adult now I get that but mental maturity goes a long way. He has got a lot of growing up to do. He can't see the hurt he causes.

OP posts:

ShippingNews · 22/12/2021 06:44

What's wrong with spending time with his own family for half a day and half the day with her family?

Did you actually suggest this option ? Your post says that you've asked him what he is doing, that's all. If you want to have a meal with him, you obviously have to say that, and tell him that you'd like an answer so you make plans. Don't be vague and then wonder why he hasn't given you a better time slot.

FTEngineerM · 22/12/2021 07:07

Sorry but your update just reeks of jealousy. I mean, why would they swap a big happy celebration with gift swapping for a squinting green eyed woman (what it sounds like).

Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Gifts aren’t the swaying factor here for them. Her parents aren’t the problem.

thamesriviera · 22/12/2021 07:08

OP you sound a little bit pushy and needy and perhaps this is why he spends time elsewhere

PermanentTemporary · 22/12/2021 07:18

Yes I think he's in the wrong for not being honest with you. And yes it's immature to avoid the discussion like that. But he feels torn. His gf's family have welcomed him and made him part of a big day, they've said to him that he's essential to their celebrations, he's wanted there.

Of course you want him too but he's experiencing that as punishment right now. Its too late for this year but next year, open the discussion up, show him how to have those discussions in a mature way. 'You're going to want to be at X's i know. It would make me very happy to have you here either for all of Christmas Eve or for part of Christmas Day. What works for both of us?'

Try to channel goodwill in the meantime. You've brought up a young man who is clearly a popular boyfriend who doesn'tlike upsetting people, that's a good thing!

Ragwort · 22/12/2021 07:24

How old is he? Is it a new GF? Do they live together? Sometimes in the flush of 'young love' you just want to be with your new GF/BF all the time. One of my closest friends is facing the first Christmas without her DS as he wants to go to the GF's family but she knows that is often the 'natural' way of DC growing up and wanting to do their own thing and has made her own arrangements to have an equally nice time without him.

I'm not being unsympathetic - I have a DS (only DC) and I don't expect he will always want to come 'home' for Christmas.

HollowTalk · 22/12/2021 07:35

@FTEngineerM

Sorry but your update just reeks of jealousy. I mean, why would they swap a big happy celebration with gift swapping for a squinting green eyed woman (what it sounds like).

Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Gifts aren’t the swaying factor here for them. Her parents aren’t the problem.

What a really nasty response.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2021 07:39

From what you've written, the family haven't actually done anything wrong. (Maybe they have but you haven't detailed it).
All they've done is invited your ds for Christmas dinner. That is allowed.
The problem is entirely your son.
'Thank you so much for the invite, but I just need to check what my mum is doing this year because I was at yours last year.'

faithfulbird20 · 22/12/2021 07:44

Let her spend time with him and you enjoy yourself acting like you don't care. Hopefully one day he'll be so irritated by them he won't go.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 22/12/2021 07:49

At least 2 options here: either the OP is massively overbearing and the DS is grateful for an escape route, or the DS is being very rude and ungrateful to his mum, and needs to be told to sort himself out. Could go either way….

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 22/12/2021 07:53

My mum and all her children and grandchildren do Christmas Eve, heaps of yummy food, lots of wine and presents, plenty of laughs. “Joke" Kris kringle for the adults. It's the highlight of Christmas because it's the first thing we do, so we're all bit over it by Christmas day. Think about it OP, make a new tradition.

Original poster

Spring2121 · 22/12/2021 08:38

I did have a chat with my son about life and what comes with it. I told him I know it's hard to please both families but this is what happens when you become a young adult. He is too young to think about the bigger picture. I hope in time he matures and wakes up to the fact that his own family are as equally important. I said to him since you are at the gf again this year do you think you could both spend Christmas day with me next year or at least come for dinner? We have always had a good relationship but where the gf and her family are concerned I have to choose my words very carefully. It's like treading on egg shells. Learned this the hard way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spring2121 · 22/12/2021 08:59

By the way I do not possess a jealous bone in my body. I am happy that my son has found a nurturing family to be around. All I am asking for is time to spend with him over Christmas. The gf will always be expected to be home at Christmas and she will go regardless, my son will be expected to go as her partner. What I am looking for is compromise. What is wrong with me wanting to spend some time with my son? The gf is also welcome I have no bad feelings towards her. The present issue..... My son said we are not really doing much at Christmas so don't bother buying for me. I thought it was a strange thing to say. Of course I will buy for my son as if I would leave him out. At the moment I need some clear negotiation skills, sound advice how to navigate these difficult waters without being upset or upsetting my son to the point it gets heated and I get the silent treatment. They will both be working over the Christmas hols so yes I will suggest we have a meal together at the first opportunity. And yes I did ask him if he was coming for Xmas Dinner he said he didn't know what he was doing that is why I asked him so many times what his plans were. He has been evasive up until yesterday. I was quite willing to compromise and sort something out with him for over Christmas.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spring2121 · 22/12/2021 09:02

@arethereanyleftatall

From what you've written, the family haven't actually done anything wrong. (Maybe they have but you haven't detailed it). All they've done is invited your ds for Christmas dinner. That is allowed. The problem is entirely your son. 'Thank you so much for the invite, but I just need to check what my mum is doing this year because I was at yours last year.'

That's sound advice and mature. If only my son could think this way it would make things easier.

OP posts:

StopGo · 22/12/2021 09:18

It's not pleasant but currently your son wants to be with his GF and her parents and not with his family.

sadmum52 · 23/12/2021 10:18

Have you sat them down and talked to them about how it upsets you . Unfortunately girls do migrate to their family. What my son and his gf do is they go for Christmas Eve lunch with her family ( this will always set in stone ) . The Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and lunch at mine and then Christmas night and Boxing Day at her family. They will the alternative it , they used to be apart . He comes for three weeks over Christmas and we will be lucky if we see him for more than a few hours out of this over the Christmas period . We just let them know we are here and if they don’t call we don’t make a big deal . The last time he came home I was out and he called and the house was empty. That just tough luck . I’ve found just chilling out about it has helped and being busy . Spanner in my works is now they are having a baby so that’s a who,e new can of worms

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