DS older woman, children and her ex

[poppym12]

My son rang me earlier to say that he was in a relationship with a lady with children and that her ex is violent towards her. I knew nothing of this relationship, nothing at all.

He wanted her and her children to move into my flat (my bedroom) to get away from the ex temporarily until they sort something out.

It's come as a massive shock. I live away part of the time but am due back tomorrow for medical appointments.

I told him that domestic violence needs to be addressed, police, women's aid, refuge helpline and send him links.

I know we can't help who we fall in love with, age shouldn't matter nor should children but I'm really shocked. She's 10 years older than him and one of her children is less than a year old.

I want to be supportive for my son but I can't have a woman I've never met living in my bedroom with 2 young children.

I don't know what to do.

You're right to say no...but regarding the age difference it's hard to comment. I mean if he's 20 and she's 30 then it's a bit questionable but if he's 30 and she's 40...so what?

He sounds very naive so I'm assuming he's younger?

He's 22 but yes, quite naive.

Don’t push her towards him. Just keep saying oh dear, that sounds awful, what have Women’s Aid said.

Push her towards him? I've never met her. I didn't even know she existed until this evening when his plan was to have her and her children living in my flat and sleeping in my bed.

@poppym12

Push her towards him? I've never met her. I didn't even know she existed until this evening when his plan was to have her and her children living in my flat and sleeping in my bed.

I think the poster means that if you show your horror and shock at this, then you might inadvertently push them together.

I see, thank you. apologies, my brain is in overdrive.

He said they were going to get a place together eventually. I didn't comment on her age or children, just that she needed to get proper help and advice if she's experiencing domestic abuse.

He's now said I'm not to worry about it and that he'll sort it out himself so I guess that means he just won't tell me anything (not unusual, he's a closed book).

I want to help him, advise him, do something. It's just a shock.

Support him in supporting her. Why risk losing your ds?
My ds has had 2 relationships with older women with dc. All their drama and it didn't last. Way too much responsibility for him. Wasn't up to me to spell that out though.
And nothing against single parents.
I was one when I met my now dh..

I don't want to lose him at all. I felt really put on the spot with his call.

I know age gaps aren't a problem, my husband is younger than me. We were in our 30s when we met. Nor is it a problem that she has children.

I'm concerned about the violent ex and the thought of him getting in too deep with all of this. I'm also concerned that in his opinion I've refused to help by not having her move into my flat. And bed.

Imo I would stipulate any trouble comes to your door will mean you calling the police. No ifs or buts.

Why does it have to be your flat ? Doesn't he have a place to live now ? Or is he living with you ?

Everything else aside, from a practical point of view, them moving to yours would make the process of her being entitled to help with housing more difficult and take a lot longer than if she went into a refuge (believe me I’ve been there!)
They can worry about living together later on.

What about a time frame? 2 weeks and you will help look at housing options for them. Your ds is already involved. At least they will be safer with your involvement. Including your ds.

He lives with me but I'm not there very much at the moment due to work commitments.

@rainbowlou

Everything else aside, from a practical point of view, them moving to yours would make the process of her being entitled to help with housing more difficult and take a lot longer than if she went into a refuge (believe me I’ve been there!) They can worry about living together later on.

I agree with this post. He is like the knight in shining armour, wanting to save this damsel in distress. But he doesn't know what to do, so has decided that Mum's flat is the answer. In your position I'd say look, I know a bit about this, your girlfriend needs to go into a refuge and then she'll get lots of help. And they'll help her with housing too.

So rather than appearing negative , you'll be putting yourself in the position of "helpful Mum who knows about these things" . That way, he'll see you in a positive light because you're helping, but you won't actually have to have strangers living in your flat !

I hate to think of anyone being in an abusive relationship. I've never met the lady, or even heard about her until tonight. I've already forwarded my son some useful links but I can't make him or her read them and act upon them. the way he was talking was that it was up to him to sort it out. I don't even know if he was the cause of her relationship breaking down.

Thank you for the advice re housing after being in refuge. I also think he's trying to be the knight in shining armour but he doesn't have the maturity or means to resolve it.