23 year old daughter impossible to live with

[givemejellytots]

Bit of background
My husband and my daughters father died last December from Covid. Obviously we were and still are devastated. She was a daddy’s girl and has suffered severe anxiety since his death. She has had counselling and is on medication. She has a boyfriend who is supportive.

It is getting impossible to live with her, she is rude, and shows no respect. She does absolutely nothing to help in the house. She is at uni but lives at home and has managed to spend all this terms maintenance money. She’s looking to me to pay her phone, travel etc.
I won’t throw her out but I honestly don’t know how to get her to show me more respect. I don’t do her washing etc , she does her own when she can be bothered. Her room looks like a bomb has gone off.
Please can anyone offer any advice as my mental health is suffering

Was she this way before her dad died and she started suffering from severe anxiety? I’m guessing not if it’s part of the relevant background. The answer is that you can’t force someone to respect you, but it sounds like it’s whole lot more complex than that.

She’s grieving. Perhaps you could suggest that you attend one of her counselling sessions with her so that she can explain to you how she’s feeling?

In terms of day to day life, it sounds like she’s really struggling to balance studying, her well-being and the practicalities of looking after herself day to day. She may be an adult but it sounds like she still needs a parent at the moment. Could you perhaps talk to her about anything in particular that she’s finding overwhelming and figure out a way that you can help support each other? If you continue to act resentful towards her then she’s just going to get even more emotionally cut off from you when she needs the opposite.

What year of uni?

My advice would be she may be greaving for her dad (and DH) but you are coping and she should not be so bloody selfish.
Tell her you love her but this behaviour will stop or you will turf her out. There is no room for doubt here - she is being very, very, selfish and you should reasonably expect her support. Together you can get through this personal tragedy but alone it wont work and you have to protect yourself even if its beyond her to think of anyone but herself.
Dads are just people. Mums can also be tough and caring. In this case means exactly that. Wallowing in self pity to the exclusion of others equally affected needs short sharp action.

I expect she is grieving and feeling a bit lost. Can you spend some quality time together and improve your relationship? This might help bring her back to you somewhat and remind her you are also a human being! I think sometimes we think our parents are invincible, especially if she’s had a lovely stable family unit until the loss of her dad. I wouldn’t worry too much about the messy room as a top priority; keep the door shut and she will have to tidy it up when she’s sick of the pigsty! More important is her being rude or closed off from you. Maybe surprise her by a lunch together or a spa day or just something nice together. I’d have loved some quality time with my mum at her age, especially if we were going through something together and I had lost one of my parents. Her supportive boyfriend sounds like he could be a great asset to you- I’d be as friendly to him as possible as he could be a real support for her and therefore to you. With him on your side you might find an ally! Definitely do something nice together you & your daughter. I think sometimes troubled people show the opposite behaviour of what they really mean. I expect she is feeling lost and deep down would love to be closer to you. Sending you a hug Xox