Been with partner 6 years and recently bought a house together. He has 2 children aged 20 and 17. They have lived with him for last 5 years and have come to live with us in the new house. I have a 14 year old son who is happy with the new move. They have all been given their own rooms. My son goes to his dads 2 nights weekly and always has done. His children rarely stay at their mums house. I know they are older and can make their own decisions but it’s always been like that, they have always gone sporadically when they feel like it and there’s no communication when they do go. Sometimes they say they are going to stay for a night but then change their minds last minute. His son had started going 2 nights a week but this has stopped since we moved into the new house. My partners ex moved in with her partner 5 years ago and has a house with one spare room for her children to stay separately. This is her choice and not financial, she inherited a larger house but decided to sell it rather than provide a home for her children. She says she wants to have them but makes no effort. I am struggling to cope having his kids full time with all the extra washing, cleaning, cooking etc and working long hours. I would feel better if they went to their mums once or twice a week and think it would be good for their relationship with their mum.
I have addressed the issue with my partner but he says I knew what I was getting into and for him nothing has changed. He won’t speak to his ex about it as he says he doesn’t want confrontation yet when I have mentioned it he is confrontational with me! His ex texts or calls on a daily basis which I find unnecessary. He says it’s to discuss the kids but really? They are 20 and 17! Before we bought our house she had a key for his place and would let herself in even knowing I was there. She would also park her car outside his house all day when going to work. This went on for 3 years! In the end I told him enough was enough but it dragged on until he moved out.
His 20 year old works and pays no keep. My partner has spoke to him and agreed for him to pay £70 monthly from November which I don't think is enough. His son does nothing to help in the house and expects us to pay and prepare a pack lunch for work along with all his washing and ironing. He just dumps his dirty dishes and expects us to clear up after him. My partner treats his kids as if they are 5 years old, he does everything for them but isn’t allowing them to be independent and preparing them for life. I have tried to tactfully mention this but then he says I’m accusing him of being a bad parent!
My partner tells me he loves me and thinks it’s me that I have the problem with his ex and kids. I really want things to work but feel I’m constantly up against it. Am I being unreasonable?