My own Mum

[drkenko]

I need somewhere to offload and I don’t know if this is the right place but it is the only place I can see which relates to parents. Anyway, my Mum and I are okay. We’re not that close as I’ve moved away from my home town, not far away but far enough because she won’t visit me. Since she retired she’s been really weird. Like I’m getting married in a couple of years and asked for help, I specified I didn’t want financial help but help with organisation and messaging suppliers that sort of thing, since she has the time and I work FT. However my parents have been kind and paid for certain things anyway. I asked for help the other day, was literally just to message a supplier because I was at work and she wouldn’t. I explained that the supplier is only open 11-3 which is my main working hours and she still wouldn’t - I missed out on the supplier. I don’t know why she won’t help. However today is what has really weirded me out/annoyed me. I woke up to lots of Facebook notifications which is weird for me as I hardly use it. She has went through birthday posts from friends on my birthday from 2019 and loved them all. I could understand a couple of likes here and there like a mis-click but not loving them all! Of course the friend and myself get those notifications so I asked her about it. She’s ignored my message which I can see she’s read. This is only two instances, there is more but these are the ones that are weirding me out at the moment and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

It kind of sounds like you want it all your own way. Because you see your life as busier and therefore more important than hers. I'm sure you'll disagree. You say you aren't that cloee but you expect her to help you when it suits you and you cant understand why she won't. And the fb thing is probably nothing, she might have been bored and scrolled through and liked stuff. She doesn't have to answer to you.

It's a bit weird. She was probably reminiscing with the Facebook. I would ignore. Avoid asking for stuff. Sounds like she is going through her own stuff at the moment. Just be pleasant and accept you cannot rely on her.

If she's like my Dad she probably likes to offer help and be generous but not be asked to do stuff. Because that takes away the opportunity from making the gesture. So don't ask for help. If you've a problem maybe ask her advice but don't ask her to take the problem off your hands. Let her offer if she wants to.

@ssd As I said this was only two instances out of many. You are entitled to your opinion and yes I will disagree with you, as you don’t have the back story. I take her to appointments, I go and visit her every weekend. I buy her shopping and whatever she needs. I bought her a house and a car. I don’t think my life is busier than hers but when she expresses that she is bored and wants to help, I ask her what and then say suppliers and then she won’t call the one person, I think this is a bit strange. So maybe it is my fault for not explaining this but you are wrong about when it suits me. Thank you.

@grasstreeleaf thank you for your advice!

Happy to have helped.

I think some older people don't use Facebook the same way that younger people do, which might explain the random likes.
I do agree that it's weird for her not to call the supplier when she knows you can't do it yourself and it would have been really helpful.
My friend has parents who offer help but firmly on their own terms. The advice I give her is to just accept their limitations and not have expectations - everything they then do is a bonus.

Ok fair enough @drkenko

Maybe she just doesn't feel confident in dealing with the suppliers? Maybe she has lost sone of her confidence with you doing so much for her, and i dont mean that in a bad way

How is it going with your mum now?

My own mum is soooo weird with me and I've left my home town and she never visits so this post stood out.