Hurts badly :(

[Elasticatedwaist]

Ds is 24 with high functioning Aspergers. Lives with me and Ive always helped him out but he resents me for it as he sees it as interfering.
Since he’s got a girlfriend he’s got worse with some distorted ideas in his head that I am a horrible, negative, controlling person and now he’s decided to move in with her and cut me and dh out of his life completely.

The girlfriend doesn’t really understand the stress, meltdowns and problems that have gone on with ds only what he is telling her as they’ve only been together a few months.

Once he gets an idea in his head he runs with it and I think she has fuelled it.

He’s also decided that there’s nothing wrong with him and his problems have all been down to me controlling him.

I have an awful feeling he’s planning to come off his epilepsy medication and this is really scaring me.
I normally go to appointments with him but he said he’s joining a new surgery with her and he will do everything with her and no longer wants to be around me.

I am utterly devastated and at the same time terrified for him. Without me in the wings I fear the worst. This is not what I expected to happen.

I suppose I just want someone to tell me how I live with this? I am crying all the time and my whole body is in such a state of panic I can’t cope , eat , sleep.

I love my son despite all the verbal and sometimes aggressive situations I’ve had with him and his meltdowns over the years. I’ve tried so hard and he still hates me.
It’s such a shock to the system.

As a mum of undx 20yr old with ASD (and younger children with dx Asd) if I were you I'd handle this by being supportive (regardless of what you actually think). Mainly because if you're supportive you remain in the loop and know what's going on. All him to go; allow home to be the adult he is. I doubt very much that a new GP would be supportive of coming off epilepsy drugs. This would be a consultant decision. If he wishes to come off the medicine and has medical support to do so it's his choice to try. You have to accept that you won't be around forever and he will eventually need an alternative support network. This will be good for both of you.

Well, he is 24 and he seems to feel able to make these decisions without you. I think you should let go a bit and let him try and figure some of this stuff out for himself. To do otherwise is controlling.

He may make mistakes, he may not. But at some point, he will have to do this on his own, so now seems like as good a time as any.

I'd be worried too about the medication thing, but at least he's getting a new GP and not going it alone. You must see that this is more responsible than going it alone, which in itself is a good thing.

I think you have to learn to accept that he's an adult and you can't be in the wings the way you used to.

As for the hurtful stuff he's saying, well, try and let that go too.

Try to be supportive and kind and hands off. Hopefully it will all work out and you'll both be better off for it.

I am totally on board with backing off and letting him be independent apart for the medication thing.
I think he’s going to come off the medication without consulting the doctor ! He believes he doesn’t need it. He has absence seizures which he is t aware of having, it’s me that sees them but he gets angry and says I’m
Wrong !
Also , he wants to drive so I think he’s planning to tell the doc that he has been seizure free.
If I try to talk to him he goes mad.
It’s like I have to watch a train crash.

Sadly I think you do have to step back and let life happen.

You could report him DVLA I suppose.

If he's still having seizures with the medication then he needs it reviewing and I would suspect he'd have much more noticeable seizures pretty quickly if he came off it. I assume he doesn't have any kind of driving license so he'd have to declare anything when applying or he'd be breaking the law and would have a heavy penalty if found out. Any insurance would be invalid too. In addition the DVLA office is running at months behind so I wouldn't think you have much to worry about in the immediate future. You need to step back or you'll drive him away anyway.

I think you should embrace the change , get all enthusiastic and help them find somewhere nice , buy them a house warming gift and try to maintain a relationship. Most of all make it very clear that he always has a place to come back to . That said if he does start driving I’d be on to the DVLA in a shot .

Sorry to say this as I realise this must be very hard but he's an independent adult man. It he's high functioning he CAN look after himself without parental support.

I would write to him and apologise for the way he feels, reassure him you've only ever meant to support not smother him, say you support his independence and respect it.

The epilepsy thing is scary, but this is something that he does have to learn to manage himself with his healthcare provider. Bluntly, you're not always going to be there to help - better he learns to help himself now.

I do understand the anxiety. I have a child with potentially fatal food allergies and the idea of her getting older and eating out with friends as a teen, where I can't ask all the questions and monitor, scares the shit out of me. But I'm obviously going to have to let it happen.

You need to disabuse yourself of the idea that he NEEDS you. He did, but now he's an adult. You need to back off so that he wants to be in your life again

If he has absence seizures his girlfriend will see them too. there's no way she'll want him to drive.

Another person in his life caring for him is no bad thing

@Elasticatedwaist

I am totally on board with backing off and letting him be independent apart for the medication thing. I think he’s going to come off the medication without consulting the doctor ! He believes he doesn’t need it. He has absence seizures which he is t aware of having, it’s me that sees them but he gets angry and says I’m Wrong ! Also , he wants to drive so I think he’s planning to tell the doc that he has been seizure free. If I try to talk to him he goes mad. It’s like I have to watch a train crash.

Sadly you have to sit back and watch, yes, train crash or not. You don’t get a choice to still be in charge of the medication thing. He’s an adult and however much he should be listening to you, if you try to control him you’ll drive him further away.

Try to keep the girlfriend on side. If you make an enemy of her you are the one who stands to lose. She will get the measure of him soon enough, if all you say is true, and if you’ve noticed absence seizures, she will too.

If he drives and you think he’s at risk, inform the DVLA.

It’s hard to let go when you think they’re making mistakes (and I speak from experience here with two around the same age), but you have to. Because the only way to keep them close is to recognise that they are adults and even if the decisions they make are stupid and not what we would want, they have to make them and hopefully learn from the consequences.

Try to relax. You won’t be around for him forever so he might as well mess it up now, with a girlfriend watching, than later. It’ll all come out in the wash. But if you want him still talking to you ten years down the line, you have to step back.

It is inevitable he will see you as interfering if you change any of his decision/insist. He is not a child, he has gone and his girlfriend will be his carer - offer her help if needed and as others have said step sharply back - let them come to you and put your maternal cares away as they are blinding you to how much say you should now have in his life. Sorry but the truth often hurts, the alternative is you continue to be seen as interfering. Do NOT tell the DVLA or his Doctor

he needs to become responsible for his actions and inactions.