How can I deal with feeling invisible (DS left home)

[Myfirstcarwasamini]

Does anyone have any tips on how to accept a very low level (okay if I’m honest no communication) from their DS? How did you do this? And what was the outcome? Did things ever improve? I do have my own busy (happy) life, family, work, hobbies, friends but I am struggling with a feeling of invisibility now that he is totally independent.

He is my only one. I have a DSS and DSD, both of whom I enjoy close relationships with. My DS never seems to have had a problem with this, in fact he embraced it, as if he handed me over to them!

He left for uni nearly 2 years ago and initially the sense of freedom that my job was “done” felt good. He is nearly 21, living with his GF (whom I like), working full-time self-employed and about to start the second year of his degree (he took a year out during the pandemic). He is medicated for ADHD. I remind myself of all these things constantly to manage my expectations that it’s unlikely he is ever going to call me just to see how I am. I think he just thinks I am fine. He likes and gets on with his stepdad whom he knows has done more for him than his own father has ever done.

I’ve tried low level attempts at contact, sending a funny photo of our dogs but only after say not hearing from him for about 6 weeks and that contact might be a Yes/No answer. I’ve suggested meeting up for a coffee/dog walk but I'm never able to pin him down to any arrangements. He is extremely driven by his work and works hard – too hard in my view but this is an element of how ADHD affects him as he is hyper-focused. He is very loved up with his GF – she really seems to understand him. I’m so grateful for all those things as I know situations can be so different to all of this.

I know my job as a parent is to let go. Having had a very controlling mother and being limited because of that I go out of my way to not be that way but it feels like its backfired on me and he took the confidence I worked hard to give him to set out in life and he's really flown away to another bloody planet it feels like. He has told me that he feels his success is down to everything I've done for him.

I’m worried what would happen if I act like we don't live on the same planets and then expect nothing at all - would he ever contact me?

Please, do tell me if I'm being needy and not grateful enough that he is happy. It might just be what I need perhaps.

You aren’t being needy. Your feelings are normal!
They just don’t match with where your DS is at right now. It’s a mis - match of needs!
Could you tell him you miss him and would like a weekly chat, to book in a regular slot for a catch up. Or a weekly text and a fortnightly chat. Whatever suits you both if you can meet in the middle somewhere.

don’t give up on the messages, just make them less offer and at some point he will respond . I think that he may feel you’re not letting him live his life by being in touch often. Not saying it to be horrible. I hated it when my parents kept calling (back in the early 90s when I left home) and I found it annoying. Of course now I’m older and both are dead I miss the communication. But it’s part of growing up and become your own person.

You aren't being needy. Have you spoken to him about it? I'm an only child, I would speak to my parents most days, I do find it intrusive (or at least I've gone through phases) and much prefer now they can use WhatsApp. When I lived abroad I managed to get it down to once or twice a week, on a set day.

I do think it might be worth you saying to him: I'm feeling really hurt about the level of contact we have and I'd like to check in more regularly. Can we plan to meet for dinner/coffee/whatever once a month and can you make sure to check in once a week? I really, really don't see how that can be excessive. I also wonder have you included his girlfriend in invitations, that may help.

You could have written that about my DS2, the only difference is that I never hear from him. He won't answer my calls or reply to texts (I call and text maybe once every couple of months). He didn't even send a Christmas card. He's been like this for 18 months.