Daughter has disowned us and my health has improved?

[Yespresh]

Our 22 year old daughter has been very difficult over the last 7 years. Wont go into too much detail but enough to make your hair curl and worthy of a few years of Eastenders episodes. Drink/drugs/drug dealing/piercings gone bad/abusive boyfriends/lies/stealing/verbal abuse. You name it, we’ve been there.

In 2017 when she decided to leave home age 17 I developed severe hives. I have had them ever since but I am now able to control the burning with medication so it is under control.

I have stage 3 cancer. Our daughter told me it was attention seeking! Anyway that is unrelated except that basically she has no kindness or empathy in her. I have had it a year now and she isn’t interested in asking how I am or if she can help in any way.

Roll on a couple of weeks ago when she told her Dad she wants no more contact with us and in the last week my hives are diminishing and I am only taking one antihistamine a day rather than two.

Maybe a mental weight has lifted but I dont want to lose contact with her but no can I cope with her verbal abuse of us.

So really my question is how come my hives are diminishing when she has disowned us?

Because it will be a less stressful life and you can concentrate on yourself for a change.

I have a family member who spent hours crying to me on the phone after virtually every contact with her daughter. Eventually I said she should make a decision for her own health. She made that decision and us now NC, she is sad for the loss of the relationship that could have been, but she knew it would never be. She is so much better and happier. Sometimes difficult choices have to be made, the best choice is the one which improves your life.

Sounds like you have gone through a really tough time and a lot of stress, it is natural to feel better once that stress reduces.

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but it sounds like some space might be good for both of you.

Hives can be stress related. But having an abusive boyfriend is not your daughters fault, if you are blaming her for that then maybe thats why she she has so many 'problems'?

The abusive boyfriend is long gone thankfully. She now seems to have a nice boyfriend.

She seems to have a personality that thrives on chaos and disorder which we cant fathom. Moving from drama to crisis. Basically if you dont agree with her she turns on you.

She was brought up in a quiet, kind, loving home so we are at a loss to figure it out.

Our son who is 4 years older than her still lives at home and cant work her out either. She even claims we abused her!

I don't think the op was blaming her dd for the abusive boyfriend. It's relevant to mention it in connection with the dd's chaotic lifestyle, as it's likely to be a contributory factor in her not being able to extricate herself when she realises she's made the wrong choice.

Op, your dd's apparent lack of empathy is probably masking a fear of dealing with what is a scary situation for you all. I'm sure she does care deeply. Good luck with your treatment.
Hope your stress levels and health continue to improve, and that eventually your dd is able to find a way to move her life forward to a more stable place, and re-connect with you.

Thank you, yes it is probably better all round but I am sad for the loss of our relationship that could have been but every sentence had to be carefully worded and it was easier to say nothing at all when would did see her for fear of shouting abuse.

We saw her a few months back, she came to the house and was insisting I watch a film with her about a woman that died of cancer at the end. I said I didnt want to watch it but she said it wasnt about me and then left. I have stage 3 cancer. I am at a loss why she would think it appropriate viewing??

This all sounds very tough, OP. I'm sure that a reduction in daily conflict would have a positive physical impact - people tend to overlook how bad stress is for the body

I understand this completely op. My son's life is chaotic and out of control. I have a heart condition worsened by stress and also the bloody hives. He is an army reserve and in a few weeks will be deploying for a year. To a fairly active location. Everyone is saying you must be so stressed about it, but I am counting down the days. My health will improve no end, when he becomes the army's problem rather than mine. Sad to say but true. Also he will possibly even behave better in that environment too.so hopefully a win for us all.

We saw her a few months back, she came to the house and was insisting I watch a film with her about a woman that died of cancer at the end. I said I didnt want to watch it but she said it wasnt about me and then left. I have stage 3 cancer. I am at a loss why she would think it appropriate viewing??

Slightly clutching at straws, but maybe it's her very clumsy way of demonstrating to you her deepest fear? It sounds like she's got into a deep rut of being unable to relate to you in anything other than a somewhat combative way. Deep-rooted patterns of behaviour, especially in the way we relate to family members, can be very difficult to alter, even when it's what you want.

Yes it’s perfectly possible. I used to be a therapist and some skin ailments were worsened by stress and anxiety. Take it away and voila.

Look after yourself. She is an adult and has to stand by the decisions she makes. This is your life.

22 is still quite young and some dc take much longer to mature than others.

I would enjoy the low/no contact for now and hopefully your dd will have grown up a bit when she wants to see you again.

As others have said you have a life too so put yourself first for a change.