What’s the right thing to say and do?

[gemandjule]

My DS rang this morning very upset saying his GF was splitting up with him. They live together in a one bedroom flat 3 hours from us. He is getting the train home and she’s moving her stuff out. He’s going back up
In a few days to move his stuff out of the flat. They are only 25 but have been together for 3 years and this has come out of the blue. He says he did not see it coming at all.
He has lived away since he went to university at 18 and his life is in the city where he lives. He won’t be able to afford to live by himself so I guess will have to try and find a house share somewhere. He’s also currently job hunting. Covid has closed down his line of work.
I know he’s young and will be fine and this is all very common etc etc but it’s still tough and him and she was very much part of the extended family.
He’ll be here in about an hour and a half. I really don’t want to say the wrong thing.I also wonder if I should send her a quick text just saying best of luck and I hope she’s ok. We have had a lot of contact always as we are a close family and just not saying a word seems bizarre. He insists nothing happened and I completely believe him. I think living through 2 lockdowns her working from home and him trying to find work has just worn them down.
I’m rambling now but it’s very hard to hear him so upset

Just give him a big hug and ask him what he wants to eat.

Have his bed made up and then leave it up to him if he wants to talk or not.

Thanks @BackforGood. I’ve given him lots of hugs. He really blames himself. He’s been stressed about work and admits he withdraws into himself when he’s stressed. He really feels he has nothing in his life now. No job, no relationship and back home with us. It’s really shit.
However hopefully he’ll pull up in a few weeks and start planning a new future for himself 💔

Give him a hug and leave him to it, just let him know you're there if he wants to talk. Ruminating with him won't help anything. He'll get over it, it just might take some time. Also, I would not be contacting his ex.

No don't text her! Not at this point anyway. A card for her birthday possibly!
I would just feed him and dote on him a bit.

Don't contact her. You have no idea how the relationship between them worked.

Your DS is coming home so focus on him. Definitely a hug (if you do that, normally) and something to eat.

My boy was already home when his Ex of 4 years decided they were over. Luckily not living together as had turned into LDR and she took up with a housemate. We did lots of hugs and long walks where we talked. I let him initiate chats. Good luck to both of you.
We encouraged him to block her and her family on everything. Apparently she has tried to contact him recently via a friend but he didn't respond.

I don't think it's up to a parent to decide or someone should try to be friends with their ex or not! Many relationships can morph into reasonable friendships.

@Iggi999 I agree. I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him to block her or her family. They are lovely people and I would be very very surprised if they made this any harder on my DS than it already is. They seem to really care about him. I would imagine they will leave him alone to get on with his life. My other kids have gone through breakups and I took no notice of it at all but they were younger, not living together and there were obvious signs before the break up. This feels very different

Just be normal & let him know you're there if he wants to talk. It's hard to go through those kind of break ups but he'll want family to be normal I reckon. Good luck-agree woth asking him what he wants for dinner

There were a particular aspect of the breakup which caused other DS to suggest he blocked her initially, which we supported. I don't think for a minute they will end up as friends because of it, as he has lost a great deal of respect for her.

@78percentLindt fair enough. I would also give advice if I felt a situation was toxic. I certainly don’t feel like that at the moment from what I have heard from him. In fact he said that she was very kind. I doubt she will contact him in the near future anyway as she is a kind person and I’d say she knows how upset he is.

He seems to be doing reasonably well. Gets very upset intermittently but also talking about ideas for the future which is great. Facing into a 7 hour drive up and down to his apartment today to start emptying it… not looking forward to that at all but it has to be done and there’s no way I want him to have to go by himself 😩