DS and impending birth

[wobblyweasel]

I'm in an absolute quandary on what to do! My DS23 is due to be a father anyway now. It wasn't planned, and I've just learnt that his GF has had a previous termination - mutually agreed by both. Apparently this 2nd pregnancy is due to one missed pill! And she didn't want to go through a termination again.

He was angry and upset and distant initially at this 2nd pregnancy. However he pulled himself together and they sorted things out and seemed happy.

I learnt yesterday that he'd been staying away from home, drinking, and generally wanting to have the single life again. His best mate goes abroad for 3 months soon and he was due to go with him. His GF had said she didn't mind him going for a month (she's a better woman than I, I'd have been absolutely against the idea!)

I don't want to interfere, but he's got to man up and take responsibility! Deep down I know he will, but I don't want to lecture him - just steer him in the right direction. He tends to fly off the handle but eventually listens. So I have to tread carefully.

Do I leave them to it or do I try and make him see sense?

Lecturing and reminding him of his obligations is only going to make him feel resentful, I'd step off for now. It is hard to imagine being a dad for many blokes, at 23 it must be a complete shock. He has a lot of growing up time do, very fast.

Rather than crowding your DS, do you have a gentle way of letting this GF know that she can call on you for help as much or as little as she needs? (Assuming you're nearby and you are able to help.) You can point out that though your son isnt adjusting to the idea very well yet, you are standing by to fill in any gaps.

@RainingZen

Thank you for your advice, I think you're spot on. I have a very good relationship with his GF and she knows she has my full support.

It did come as a shock for him indeed, especially in this day of contraception etc! At 23 he's got his head sorted on most things, he has a very good job as a plumber, he also freelances as a barber for select clients. He has savings and has his head pretty much sorted. Except for this! He's too young IMO but I will always support him in whatever he wants.

Stay out of it OP as much as I can understand your frustration, interfering might actually have the opposite effect.
Instead of your support to his GF in case she needs it, be careful to not be too overbearing but let her know in a kind way that you’re going to be there for her when she needs you.

You stepping in to help the GF, isn’t helping him step up though. Is he paying any money to the GF?

I'm going to be there for his GF whenever she needs me, she has said that she wants me to be involved with my DGD He lives with her at the moment, and works and provides for her and had spent loads on the baby already. He will step up financially of that I have no doubt, but he needs to be there for his daughter too! I'll back off and just be there when they need me.

Thank you for all your advice 😊

@wobblyweasel what do you mean he lives with her at the moment, do you think he will walk away soon

@ineedaholidaynow He does live with her, but things have moved on since I wrote my initial message. He's broken up with her, he said he never wanted any of this and has left to stay with a friend. I fear that his friend, who is a few years older, and young free and single has been a bad influence on my DS. All I can do now is be there for my DGD when she is born and her mother. I'm just too angry to speak to my DS at the moment. I really thought he'd pull himself together.

Were they a strong/good fit couple before the pregnancy?
I new someone who got his girlfriend pregnant at 21.
So on advice from a trusted relative, he did the right thing and got married.
He was a great provider and worked very hard.
Even after the divorce (she ran off with a lorry driver ) he always stepped up and did the right thing - money, support , regular visitation from son
Actually had adult son live with him for 3 or 4 years when said son needed help.
He has always done the right thing.
However looking back he knows now he should never have got married. They weren't suited long term.
As long as your son is prepared to support his child maybe breaking up is the 'right' thing.
You need to be there for him and support him and listen to him.
He may yet come round but at the moment he probably feels backed into a corner on all side.

@Robin233

They weren't a strong couple to be honest, they broke up a couple of times before the pregnancy. During her 2nd trimester they seemed to get it together properly, he moved in with her and they seemed happy.

I'm backing off and giving DS some space, I think he needs to get his head together. I must admit though he's not the DS I know - he just seems fixated that he's missing out on 'life' with his best mate going abroad for 3 months which he'd planned go with him. The DS I know would have put on his Big Boy Pants and prioritised his new child.

I suppose only time will tell. Thank you everyone 🌼

Does he have any male family role models who could have a chat with him?

Not saying he should go back living with GF if they weren’t that strong before, but he does need to step up being a dad. If they have split up, I hope he is still planning to pay maintenance

Sorry but why do you seem to be blaming her for being pregnant? 'Due to one missed pill' 'with conception now'. You do know the pill isn't a 100% even if you take it correctly. And all the conception nowadays includes condoms which if he didn't want a child or trust her to get pregnant he should have been doubling up with and then he wouldn't be in this situation

@PurpleMustang

I'm certainly not blaming her for the pregnancy. I know from personal experience that the pill in not infallible. The onus should have been on both to make sure adequate contraception was used.

@ineedaholidaynow
DS has some very good male influences in his life. His Uncle, BIL, DGF. Unfortunately his DF lives in another country and their relationship has been a bit rocky for a while.

DS telephoned me tonight to assure me about things. He sensed that I'd be going into 'panic mode' Although the relationship has now ended, they are still on very good terms, and they have decided they will be co-parenting their daughter. He will naturally be paying for whatever his daughter needs etc

Sounds like a good result.
Bet ti split now and co parent than latter.