Helping 'teenage' child or not.

[muddlingon]

Hi sort of here out of desperation really wondering what to do.17yo daughter struggling last year or so with MH and anxiety, self harm, possible depression. I'm at a loss, she's sometimes so ill/lazy (teenager?) that her room is a mess so I tidy it then get 'blasted' for going in there. Situation now is she has no clean underwear but keeps leaving 'used pads' all over her room and in clothing etc. Do I just leave her with nothing for tomorrow until she tidies or do I go and do it and risk another weekend of friction. Can't get any help from docs, school etc as due to age they won't speak to me. (Single widowed dad)

She is still only 17.
The main thing is you are there for her,your presence and support really matters but you do not need to be her maid.Yes,I do understand your point as I had the same problem with my now 20 year old DS (messy bedroom but arguments about me trying to sort it) however I found it more helpful to just leave it,as they will eventually get tired of the mess.
I just try to mention every now and then that he should try to keep his bedroom clean and it did start to work eventually.They like to feel independent when it comes to their own space and they do have a bit different ideas what constitus as a clean bedroom.I know you are worried about her clean clothes and underwear,can you just knock on her door and offer to do some wash as you do yours or ask her if she prefers do to it herself?They like having choice but don't fret too much.I am sure she appreciate just having you around.Having teenagers is not easy,especially when they have additional needs and problems.I always felt guilty (I am a single parent as well) and try to make things easy as I felt that after his dad left and disappeared after 18 years,he was really struggling but I learned that I can't make everything for him as 1. it's causing friction and 2.they prefer to have a bit of independence while knowing we are still there for them when they need us.

First thing you need to do is get the words "lazy" out of your lexicon for the time being because that word and the word depressed do not go together. As in, if someone is seriously depressed they are physically and mentally unable to do regular things often such a cleaning. Please never mention the words "lazy" to her otherwise it will make the situation a whole lot worse.

It's really unfortunate that you aren't getting the help that you need and I hope that you find it soon. I agree that something does need to be done to make sure that she is living hygienically. The only suggestion I can think of is offering to clean together as a team effort?

Maybe just say - “I love you, can I make your bed for you, like mum and I used to do when you were little?”. That shows love and also makes the messy room look better. Promise not to rummage through her things - just put clean bedding on.

Try to keep giving her non judgemental support, have a boundary that there is no old food left in her filthy bedroom otherwise you will get flies or ants or worse still, mice or rats!

She sound so low that she needs non judgemental acts of loving parenting first, and even with this she might hate herself so much that she finds this unpleasant, and then after that you can provide gentle practical support (and bin her used pads for her). This is preferable to shouting at her for being dirty or lazy and will get a better turn around. I cannot say enough though, that a turn around will take time.
It is a tricky one.

It is a combination of being eagle eyed and watching out, but not looking like you are, about giving love like you are a saint and expecting nothing in return, and then combining this with having some boundaries so she knows where she stands.

I personally would choose to say that one meal a day is eaten together, and everyone clears away at least their own plate. I would also choose that shared rooms (like the living room) are not made messy, and that no doors are never slammed. I say everyone has to step outside every day to breathe fresh air, and they have to look up into the distance to stretch their focal length beyond their screens.

It is August, and she could be thinking about work or education for September. Maybe things will pick up naturally after things change in September.

Does your daughter have a mother figure in her life? It must be so hard for you to see this girl wasting days in a sad state. She is young yet and things will get better.

If pants are an issue, buy her an extra 5 pack of ordinary pants from the supermarket and say - they might not be the nicest ones but I thought of you, these might be useful. It is far less confrontational and can form part of an apology and recognition that what you have said in the past might have sounded judgemental when actually she just needs a little bit of help, like we all do.

You do not have to have your house like a tip.
If she won’t tidy/clean it, and she should, she has to accept that you will.
And buy her a bin for her room and some nappy sacks, to put those used towels in.

I have very similar issues, even down to the used pads everywhere. DC manages to function in a very ordered and important job, and able to do her hobby ( very time consuming) But completely unable to do ANYTHING at home. Can't bring dirty pots down, put washing in basket, if a packed lunch taken to work all cutlery lost never to return home again. Cannot refill loo rolls so often down to last sheet.
Not allowed to remind her. Doesn't respond to kindness, cajoling, arguments, or being left to do it in her own time. Just says she's protecting her mental health. But surely if she can function in her job, and her hobby, she can remember to change her pads in the bathroom! And her mental health can't be that one sided surely.
She doesn't care about the effect her behaviour has on my mental health in the slightest.

Do come and join us on the large and very supportive Parenting Mental Health group on facebook. Excellent advice and support from other parents with loads of experience in this space. I'm a quite new member but have found it incredibly helpful. www.facebook.com/groups/search/groups_home/?q=parenting%20mental%20health

Are you sure that there are no additional needs? Some autistic girls will hoard used sanitary towels, I have been told by CAMHS, for sensory and executive-function-related reasons. If your DD doesn’t have one already, make sure that she has a dedicated bin with a lid and a liner for putting them in and a supply of nappy sacks for her room. I would also have similar kitted out bins next to your toilets too. She also needs her own laundry basket. I was advised that I should tidy my autistic daughter’s bedroom, as she needed the sense of order but couldn’t do it herself due to sensory and executive function issues and overwhelm - and also the exhaustion brought on by masking at school all day. I only do it when she’s out because she doesn’t like people going in her room or the sounds of bins being emptied and the noise of the Hoover. Even if your daughter is neurotypical, her MH issues and depression seem to be expressing themselves as a lack of self-care and an inability to keep her environment clean - tidy would be a bonus. Perhaps you could negotiate cleaning her room with her when she’s downstairs or in the bathroom and it might help if you wrote this down for her to read, rather than said it aloud?

Wishing you both all the best