SEN adult daughters expect me to pay

[DeedledeDee]

I've got 2 adult daughters with limited capacity,/learning disabilities.
They both live independently and get universal credit and Personal independent payment each.
They each have about double what I have as I am a carer to a 3rd daughter who is severely physically disabled, I only get carers allowance and my husband gets a pension .
My question is , whenever we go anywhere it's me who pays for snacks ,drinks etc which I did when they were kids.
They are now 22 and 23 and I have broached the subject that they are richer than me now.
How do I go about asking them to pay their way without being mean?
They each buy loads of gadgets from iAmazon, Both are exempt from council tax and rent. Both have free bus passes.So they are very well off.

You are not mean.
If they have learning disabilities perhaps they don't fully understand the economics and etiquette involved.
Maybe a simple discussion explaining that now they are adults it's important that they take turns at paying for things. Show them some figures of your income and outgoings compared to theirs. Then each time you have an outing get one of them in turn to pay for you all,.

Then you need to have a frank discussion with them. Explain they have more money and you will need them to pay their way. It would also be worth explaining that if they contribute trips are likely to be more frequent as they become more affordable.

I think you'll either have to stop meeting up with your daughters for a while, or you order and pay separately.

You mention you've broached the subject, how did they react?

I think if they have capacity to control all their own income then they are able to understand that they have to pay for all their own food on outings. Maybe suggest that you buy them a nice meal on birthdays, Easter and Christmas, but the rest of the time they have to pay for themselves now?

Maybe instigate a rota where you take it in turns to pay? That way it is fair for everyone.

We've just had this with our adult niece who visited.

She seemed very disappointed that I hadn't put money in her birthday envelope but as she's now an adult if I put money in for her I'd need to do it for all the nephews as well and it's just too expensive for us to do that. Perhaps I should have explained that to her.

I think you just need to point out that you haven't got enough money to treat them or suggest you do things that don't cost anything.

If they are both living independently with these learning difficulties youve obviously done a good job of teaching them life skills so treat this like another of these. You may need to be blunted than other parents but when the bill comes go through who had what and therefore how much they owe. You know them best but I think that would be easier for them to understand than taking turns to pay the whole bill.

Sounds like my adult stepson who will happily come for lunch and meals with us and make no attempt whatsoever to put his hand in his pocket.

Could you broach it with them and explain that you just can’t afford to keeping funding their days out.

If they are living independently they are paying their own bills already. Just explain this is another bill and as adults we take turns to pay it.