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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

When or how to move fwd after DDs surprise separation

25 replies

Casxy · 19/05/2021 21:37

Does anyone have experience of rebuilding contact after an unpleasant surprise?
A few weeks ago dd called us to say she had separated from her husband (9 yrs together, 3 married, no kids). This was out of the blue; no-one in family or friends had any idea. Both have been visiting us for xmas, easter, garden walks etc. They moved nearby 2 yrs ago and dd had talked about starting a family.
I know lockdown is difficult. I can understand arguments. But DD says she had doubts since before wedding, has had a thing with an OM for years and that since xmas this has become physical so she told her husband it was over. I just don't get how everything we thought we knew about her is wrong. DH is upset too.
Anyway that hurts but it is what it is. How do we rebuild? I have seen her a couple of times but we talk about nothing. This just makes me sad as I thought we used to talk about real things - futures, feelings. I don't really have anything to talk about, as whenever I think of her I just feel sad. She has always been one to talk about her plans. In March she asked us to book a joint holiday for us, them and my other dd and sil, which we did, but now it will be just five of us. Really awkward.
I love her. I want to give her space but I dont want to be intrusive. Any ideas?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 21:42

I don't understand why this has to be so awkward. Your daughter's marriage has ended, it's a shame, but it happens to loads of people and life goes on, quite quickly, too.

I just don't get how everything we thought we knew about her is wrong. DH is upset too.

Because she's getting divorced, everything you knew about her is wrong? That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? She's still the same person, and she's still your daughter.

Original poster

Casxy · 19/05/2021 21:51

Yes I know it sounds dramatic. But it is how I feel. I think because we have seen her 4 or 5 times since Jan and she showed us their decorating, was telling us about plans for the future etc but at the same time was making plans to leave him. Its like being 2 different people at the same time
She didn't have to ask us round and tell us all that.
But yes I have to get past it. But what do we talk about?

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 19/05/2021 21:54

I think you’re making this into a real issue when it didn’t have be! Just talk to her normally, about the stuff you would normally chat about. Check she’s ok.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 21:56

Perhaps have a little compassion? She was going through a very difficult time, probably wracked with mixed emotions, living in a certain amount of denial, not wanting to disappoint you and the rest of the family. She was not 2 people. She was one person dealing with one of the most stressful things anyone can contend with.

As for talking, there's a million things to talk about. I'm sure you can think of something. "How are you?" is a good way to start.

picturesandpickles · 19/05/2021 21:59

This sounds hard.

The thing I would want to talk to my dc about is a) are they OK and do they need any help and b) would like to understand why they hadn't felt able to discuss with me at all.

Do you think she feels you disapprove of her leaving?

PremierSmeage · 19/05/2021 22:00

Please don't let her know that you're struggling with this.

She's still your DD. She is not just half a couple.

Something similar happened in our family a few years ago and the DM acted as though it was happening to her, she was devastated, she needed support. Though it was her child whose marriage had ended.

Don't make it about you.

FontyMcFontface · 19/05/2021 22:03

This isn’t about you and there’s a total lack of support for your dd in your post. And why is it awkward going on the holiday?

In the nicest possible way, your life is unaffected and hers has changed massively. Your role is to support her.

Sometimes when we’re processing something we can’t talk about it yet. That’s not being two people, it’s just thinking about something privately and deciding when to share. You don’t know the ins and outs of her marriage and it’s nothing to do with you.

I didn’t tell anyone when ExH and I were planning to separate. Not friends, siblings, parents. I didn’t tell anyone until I’d actually moved out. I couldn’t talk about it and just needed to focus on getting through it. Fortunately they were lovely and supportive when I did share, except one friend who said how shaky she was and felt ill to hear such dreadful news and didn’t come and see me. Friendship has never been the same.

PremierSmeage · 19/05/2021 22:03

@picturesandpickles

This sounds hard.

The thing I would want to talk to my dc about is a) are they OK and do they need any help and b) would like to understand why they hadn't felt able to discuss with me at all.

Do you think she feels you disapprove of her leaving?

I disagree with the above.

Tell them you are there for them and happy to talk about it/support them as and when they need.

Do not act as though you want or deserve an explanation.

It's not your relationship/marriage.

Just tell them you are there to listen if they want to talk.

Sssloou · 19/05/2021 22:03

I can see that you are disappointed and disapproving that your DD has ended her marriage (had an affair?).

Also maybe confused about what your RS is now with your son in law.

Maybe you just need time to absorb and digest this.

Maybe she did something brave - knew that she was not in love and chose to move on and not being DC to this.

I am interested about why this inconveniences you - awkward issue with holiday - why? She is your DD. Maybe she will bring her new DP? What were your expectations around her during her decision period? She kept calm and made a choice - she is entitled to that privacy.

FontyMcFontface · 19/05/2021 22:05

Also, by having the attitude that going on holiday just the five of you is awkward, you’re basically saying your dd is only valuable if she’s part of a couple and that you don’t want to spend the time with her for her own sake. She will definitely pick up on this.

Perhaps she knew you would react like this and that’s why she didn’t tell you.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2021 22:06

Why are you taking the sad end of your daughters marriage so personally ?

picturesandpickles · 19/05/2021 22:06

Do not act as though you want or deserve an explanation I didn;t mean I would expect an explaination, more I would want to understand if I had done something to make them feel they couldn't talk to me, as I would be sad they didn;t feel they could confide in me.

timeisnotaline · 19/05/2021 22:08

It is awkward when your child admits to an affair and you like their partner - any decent parent would feel let down by that!

luxurychocolate · 19/05/2021 22:10

I get it's a shock for you but you really need to hold into back and ensure it doesn't become about you.

Grieve for the safeness in private. With her be totally on board.

I've been your daughter in more difficult circumstances and an openly over reacting parent was a really shit to deal with.

TheSpottedZebra · 19/05/2021 22:10

Are you very religious?

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/05/2021 22:12

You are judging her which is why it’s awkward. There are no children, she is in love with another man, be pleased she’s followed her heart without dragging children into it.

Frazzledfranny · 19/05/2021 22:20

I feel sorry for her that’s she’s not been able to confide in you.

Personally that would upset me the most.

You could start by sending a simple text of ‘thinking of you, hope your ok. Love mum x’

Hawkins001 · 19/05/2021 22:23

It's amazing how people wear the mask and how double lives they lead, while appearing one course of action and at the same time, ploting a different course.

saraclara · 19/05/2021 22:25

I don't understand.

I knew nothing about my eldest's split until she messaged me to say she'd left and her sister was putting her up in her spare bedroom that night.

I expressed sympathy, didn't ask questions, and told her that her old bedroom was still hers if she wanted it. Her friends turned up next day in several cars bearing all her possessions that they're helped her go back for, and she was home with me for six months.

To this day I don't know what led to the split. It wasn't my business. My role was to hug her, make her welcome and give her space to heal.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 19/05/2021 22:32

Gosh OP you sound highly strung.

Tell her you love her, you support her and if she needs anything to ask you. I'm not surprised she didn't tell you anything beforehand. Maintaining the facade was clearly easier than trying to deal with you.

LynetteScavo · 19/05/2021 22:34

It's out of the blue for you, but she's been having an affair for years.

I wouldn't be impressed, but it's done now. I don't understand why the holiday will be awkward- unless she's planning on bringing the OM with her.

Have you spoken to her ex? Maybe you could call him and have a conversation for closure?

flashylamp · 19/05/2021 22:35

How do we rebuild?

You shouldn't have anything to rebuild

The broken relationship is DD and her DHs, not yours.

Chloemol · 19/05/2021 22:53

I don’t see what your problem is. You shouldn’t need to rebuild anything. She is your daughter, she has ended her marriage having been unhappy for a while, you need to support her.

The fact she was talking about decorations a few months ago is immaterial, she was no doubt just trying to get on with her life whilst deciding what she really wants

You dont need to know the ins and outs unless she wants to share them, as to what do you talk about well I can’t believe you are even asking are you truly saying you have nothing to talk about now she has split up? If so how sad

How about work, plans for the future, if she is leaving the home where will her new one be, what’s happening with family and friends, local gossip, politics,

Just because her plans for the future have changed from being with her husband to OM, or indeed on her own doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it

But food for thought here, do you think she didn’t tell you because she knew you would act like this instead of just accepting her decision and supporting her?

saraclara · 19/05/2021 22:57

Have you spoken to her ex? Maybe you could call him and have a conversation for closure?

Please don't do that.

saraclara · 19/05/2021 23:02

In March she asked us to book a joint holiday for us, them and my other dd and sil, which we did, but now it will be just five of us. Really awkward.

Why on earth would it be awkward? I really really don't understand your OP at all. I can't imagine being so thrown by this and suddenly seeing my daughter as some kind of alien being.

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