DS now 18 - how to set boundaries around booze while still at home?

[SunglassesSeventy]

DS turned 18 yesterday and I can see we're on the brink of a new phase of parenting.

He's taking a gap year and will be at home with us until next March when he goes away. He'll be working and will have disposable income. He mentioned yesterday that friend XX goes to the pub every now and again but friends ZZ & YY go to the pub ALL THE TIME! I suspect he will want to join friends ZZ & YY. My DS already likes alcohol a lot (getting drunk at parties).

Now he's 18 he can make his own decisions, but those decisions will impact me and his dad and younger brother, for example, if he is coming in very late every night, crashing around drunk, it will be disruptive. And also if I see he is drinking every night I'll worry about his health. And I know I'll worry about him getting home safely from the pub every night as when he drinks he usually drinks to quite a wobbly, inebriated level.

I'm not sure what boundaries or rules are appropriate at this stage, I want him to be able to make his own decisions, yet he is still living in my house.

Any tips or suggestions, or experiences you can share?

ps I also worry that he might start buying alcohol to drink at home every night now he is legally allowed to buy it himself.

pps his uncle is an alcoholic so I am very aware of how damaging alcohol can be. I don't drink, but DH does. DH drinks slightly more than I'm comfortable with but isn't an alcoholic.

What we're the rules around this when you were 18?

I'd not be too strict. You want him to want to come home. Just tell him to make sure he has his key and is quiet when he gets home. Unless you were thinking of more rigid rules?

Honestly, I totally understand your concern but also I don't think it's a bad thing for him to go through a phase of bad decisions around alcohol and money while he is 18 and living at home, it will hopefully be a faster route to him learning his limits while you're still there as a safety net.

First thing's first, now he is earning are you charging him any board? If he's going to piss all his disposable income up the wall you might as well limit how much disposable income he has - and if you don't need any for his keep, invest it in a savings fund on his behalf on the quiet. Likewise, can he drive yet and what other expenses is he likely to want to spend money on? Teach him budgeting and help him set up a savings fund for 10% of his income to go directly from his paycheque to a savings account, I SO wish my parents did that with me.

I think it's more than reasonable to have house rules around not drinking in the week. Also maybe making it clear that if he causes excess noise when he comes in, he WILL be woken up at 8am or whatever and set to work doing chores to loud house music, and follow through if necessary.

Might be time to watch the tea and consent video if he hasn't already, and have conversations around consent and alcohol - for sexual relations but also for when things get rowdy with mates.

Good luck!

Also... why is he taking the gap year? If it's to save money for university, then he needs to, you know, be saving money not drinking it all...

I wouldn't comment on the drinking unless it is really excessive (which he shouldn't be able to afford if paying rent!), he is an adult now and you need to trust him. As an adult with those privileges come responsibility as well and he should be contributing to the house he lives in financially and practically.

You are completely within your rights to tell him, while he is free to coming home whatever time he wants, you expect him to ensure the house is secure when he comes in and not to disturb others in the home who are sleeping. Make it clear it is unacceptable to bring home unexpected guests. If he cannot respect others in the home and follow those simple rules he can find somewhere else to live.

I totally see your worry.
That is not usual or common at all.

I agree with others, it will be difficult to set down rules about the alcohol if your dh is also drinking too much and that is the example he has grown up with

Tacking it from a financial point of view might work.
Where is his money coming from ? How much is he paying for board? Have you had a chat about what he is saving for - be that to pay for travel or pay for study or things like driving lessons ?
Is he motivated to drive ? Is he aware of how long alcohol stays in his system ?
Is the Uncle you have said is an alcoholic, struggling with life? Can you have chats from the point of view it probably isn't a road to follow ?

Obviously I don't expect you to answer any of this here, just trying to think of angles you might think about.

Thanks for the replies, there's lots to think about here.

I hadn't considered asking him to pay board because I'd thought he was saving for his big trip in March (hiking in America for 6 months), but he seems to think he'll have enough disposable income to cover that plus various trips this summer, and is already keen to get to the pub, so maybe I should think about asking for board to reduce his disposable income.

I suppose first I need to have a little patience to see what happens over the next few weeks, as he's literally just turned 18 so I don't yet know that he'll want to go out every night or drink every night, I'm just concerned at his level of interest in alcohol and suspect he might (but equally, he might not be as keen as I think once he has the novelty out of his system).

When I was his age I did get plastered sometimes but don't remember being so interested in alcohol or celebrating being able to buy it when I turned 18. But back then the climate was different, you didn't need ID in those days and I was getting served in pubs from much younger than 18, (but not drinking that much as I could never afford it), whereas nowadays you can't drink without ID so it feels like turning 18 and being able to go to a pub and buy alcohol is much more of a seminal moment.

I find it quite difficult to understand what's normal for today's teens regarding alcohol as culturally there is much more emphasis on booze than there was in my youth. Also with me no longer drinking it's hard to tell what's 'normal' in terms of amounts of booze for my DH, as for me all of it is a stupid waste of money!

I believe research has shown that young people as a whole drink a lot less than youngsters in the same age groups did 20, 30, or 40 years ago.

I'm not going to go searching for it, but I'm sure I've seen it linked to on here before.
Anecdotally, I think they drink less often - comparing my young adult dc, their friends and cousins etc, with myself and my peers. though drinks are bigger and the alcohol content stronger, so when they do drink, they are consuming more alcohol if that makes sense ?

I do think there has always been a sort of 'rite of passage' when you turn 18, and I do feel sorry for all those who missed this over the last 15 months.

I know when I turned 18 it was a novelty for a while, being able to use my ID and buy alcohol was exciting and having the freedom to do that.

But it wore off pretty quickly, it might do for him too. Pubs are open so it's exciting for him now, but the hangovers will make it far less so pretty fast.

Fingers crossed GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine!

Also he does have two part-time jobs and a lot of interests, going to the gym, and a new girlfriend. Hopefully some of these things will keep him from going off the rails too much.

BackforGood interesting that you mention that research, that rings a bell now you say it. One of DSs friends doesn't drink at all, but apart from that, every young person I know seems to drink a lot more than I ever did in my youth! So I wonder where these abstemious youths are hiding!

But that anecdotal stuff on the drinking less often but drinking more when they drink is super interesting. Fingers crossed that that will be the case with my son once the novelty wears off. Not that he's drinking every day now, it's more that I worry that's what he will do when his exams finish.

I'm hoping to get some time with DH in the next couple of weeks to get on the same side and make a plan about what rules and boundaries we want to put in place etc.