Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

My child

4 replies

Mummyconfused · 01/05/2021 22:06

I have a 12 year old son and been driving myself crazy on when I should tell him his dad isn't his real dad.. what makes it worse is I tried so hard to get his 'real dad' involved in his life but he just didn't want to know.. I don't wanna hurt my son and tell him that.. hes already gonna be hurt enough.. part of me is saying don't tell him but not because he doesn't deserve to no but because I don't wanna mess with his head and destroy him.. please help 🙏

OP posts:
Snorkello · 02/05/2021 06:06

Such a tricky one OP. I really feel for you.

I don’t have any direct experience with this, but I would say the sooner the better. Your about to embark on the teenage years. This will become more difficult the longer you leave it, but beware that he will use this against you both in the years ahead. You will need to make peace with that.

How long has it been since he saw his real father? Would he have any faint memories?

It depends on so many factors.

Think about how you as a child would have wanted this to be communicated.

If it were me, I would have wanted some communication from my real father to explain it to me. To understand why he had left, why he wasn’t in contact, why no one had told me sooner. I would be looking for reassurance that I was loved, and that the lie was not about my mother keeping things from me, that you were waiting until my father came forward in some small way.

This would be the opportunity if you can get his father onboard at all. A letter or an email even?

If that’s not an option, timing will be important. Surrounding him with family, not being told and having to head into school the next day etc. You need to consider how you can be physically nearby ready to answer his questions. Be there whilst he processes it.

If you’re not ready, can you get some support or counselling from a local service to help you through this? It’s something you will all go through, so it’s hard for everyone. This may also help figure out if now is the time.

AIMD · 02/05/2021 22:06

I agree with sooner the better.
He will need to know who his biological father is, it’s not right for someone to not know the truth. I only see it getting harder as he gets older.

It’s probably worth thinking about what you’ll tell him before so it comes out as well worded as possible. Whenever you do it it’ll be tough. Maybe coincide it for an less stressful time such as summer holidays etc.

Mummyconfused · 02/05/2021 22:40

Thank u for both of your advise I no the right thing to do is tell him I'm just so scared of hurting him.. his 'real dad was away as soon as the pregnancy started he hasn't tbeen there for any part tho I did try so hard for him to be involved.. my son is amazing and him not wanting to be apart of that tore me apart.. I didnt ask for money or support at all.. all I wanted was his time.. time with his son.. thank u for the feedback 😃

OP posts:
Snorkello · 03/05/2021 06:49

Try not to worry OP. Your son loves you and you will be there for each other. Part of this may be hard on you as telling him is finally admitting to yourself as well that no amount of trying to get his father to step up has worked. Please know that this is not on you. It’s not your fault.

Talk to partner and family or friends IRL to get some advice on handling it.

Whatever happens, your partner is his father. He is the one who has been around to raise him.

I hope it all goes well for you Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page