I don't like my DD's fiancée **Title edited by MNHQ**

indiakulfi · 2021-04-24T08:54:03+00:00

How do you deal with this ? They have been together for a while and are settled well but there is something about her fiancée that I just don't like, she's important to dd but I just can't gel with her.

mummyof4kids · 24/04/2021 10:00

Your dd or your dads fiancée?

Original poster

indiakulfi · 24/04/2021 10:01

@mummyof4kids

Your dd or your dads fiancée?

Dd, I've reported it to get the autocorrect corrected.

OP posts:

toolazytothinkofausername · 24/04/2021 10:02

I think the title should read:
"I don't like my DD's fiancée"

Original poster

indiakulfi · 24/04/2021 10:03

@toolazytothinkofausername

I think the title should read: "I don't like my DD's fiancée"

Yes, it should. Stupid phone auto corrected it. I've asked mnhq to change it.

OP posts:

BeGreen · 24/04/2021 10:13

Unfortunately it doesn’t matter. You do nothing except be loving and supportive of your DD. You don’t have to gel with her fiancé, shes the fiancé of your DD and you’ll just end up the MIL from hell if you make a fuss, or the MIL who is cut off from her daughter if you are difficult. Your DD is grown up now and her relationship with her fiancé will be a priority, and even though you’re still her mum, you don’t have the right to decide for her how she lives her life even if you don’t like it.

Original poster

indiakulfi · 24/04/2021 11:09

@BeGreen

Unfortunately it doesn’t matter. You do nothing except be loving and supportive of your DD. You don’t have to gel with her fiancé, shes the fiancé of your DD and you’ll just end up the MIL from hell if you make a fuss, or the MIL who is cut off from her daughter if you are difficult. Your DD is grown up now and her relationship with her fiancé will be a priority, and even though you’re still her mum, you don’t have the right to decide for her how she lives her life even if you don’t like it.

Of course i don't have that right no I wouldn't want it. Some tips or sharing of mutually experiences would help though. I'd have posted on Aibu if I'd wanted to to have the boot stuck in.

I care for dd and want her to be happy which is why I am trying. Her fiancée joins us on holiday (all expenses paid when she was a student btw, she's treated the same as dd) and has for some time, she comes to all family meals (again paid for) and on days out etc. That doesn't mean I gel with her though, I wish I'd did.

OP posts:

Tabooandlemonade · 24/04/2021 11:12

But what is it about her?
If you were indifferent to her you could probably just be pleasant and not have it bother you but give you said you can’t ‘gel’ is there something in her personality you don’t like?

Speaking as the D in this situation i would recommend you be as open and loving as you can be towards your daughters chosen future wife. Unless of course there is suspected abuse or anything it’s no matter that you personally wouldn’t choose her as a friend.

fairydustandpixies · 24/04/2021 11:18

Unfortunately I'm in the same situation OP but with my DS2. She openly dislikes me but I just smile and wave and almost kill her with kindness! You can't change anything, your DD loves her and all we can ask for as parents is that our DC are happy. Just grit your teeth!

YellowGlasses · 24/04/2021 11:23

I think that when you don’t gel with people, there is little you can do. It sounds like you are already being friendly and welcoming, which I think is all you can do.

UniversitySerf · 24/04/2021 11:23

So you treat her well which of course you should.

However it may help to unpick why you feel this dislike. Is there an obvious reason?

Is she lazy? ill tempered? does she talk horribly about people? does she work in a profession you disapprove of? have political opinions you find difficult?

Or is it just that visceral gut alarm feeling people can feel when there is no obvious tangible reason. That’s a lot harder. My alarm bells have gone off for no obvious reason a few times over my life. One colleague turned out to be a sex pest and I found out another person I met through voluntary work had a long history of extreme violence towards women.

Or and be careful here because you will ostracise, is it that no one will ever be good enough for your DD? Or because you want to remain the most significant person in your DD life.

I think as this is an anon forum this is the place to be honest, maybe your honesty will leave you open to criticisms but if you let it out maybe it will take away some of its strength.

flatsurfandmil · 24/04/2021 11:26

Why do you and DD fiance have to 'gel'? It would be nice if you did, but why is it necessary? Just have a nice civil relationship. No need to be besties.

Aprilshowersandhail · 24/04/2021 11:26

Is it a bad gut feeling or just a conflict of personalities?

QuantumofSolace · 24/04/2021 11:32

Maybe try and make a list of her good qualities and not so good and then rip up the not so good?

DaenarysStormborn · 24/04/2021 11:43

My MIL hates me. So I have sympathy. After many, many rows and her basically bullying me for a year we had a sit down chat with her son present. We basically agreed that we didn't have to get along or like each other but we agreed to mutually keep the peace for her son's sake.

Sounds convoluted but essentially she promised to stop being a cow. She supposedly 'didn't know she was being nasty and needed to be called out for it every time'

If you make an issue, you will see your daughter less. Even though it's fixed to an extent, the issues with my MIL have damaged her relationship with her son. They used to call/see each other every two or three days. Now it is once a fortnight. That's his decision, nothing to do with me.

Original poster

indiakulfi · 24/04/2021 18:09

That's horrible. I've no intention of making an issue of it but I just wish we did 'gel', it's like we don't know what to say to each other and I just don't seem to be able to relax around her. DD adores her and they are well suited but there's just something missing that I wish wasn't. I'd like to get on well with her.

Her family is very different to ours, big house, wealthy and we are not like that - small house, free school meals, single parent whereas when DD is with them she gets to go swimming in their pool, play tennis on their court and all kinds of things I could never offer. My future DIL has many advantages in terms of that kind of thing, all my DD has had is me and I've done the best I could.

Future DDil just seems quite remote and doesn't really talk much to me, she's very quiet.

OP posts:

flatsurfandmil · 24/04/2021 18:51

Based on your last post...would you rather ddil was more your 'class' so you could identify with her? Am not British but I know that stuff is important to people here.

Maybe she's just a quiet person. And maybe you're not destined to be super close. So long as you are civil I don't see what the problem is? Are you insecure that her family has lots of money?

Sounds like you have a nice life and relationship with you DD, and you are close, so maybe you presumed when she had a partner/spouse you'd naturally be close. Do you have other kids? I can see why you'd want to get on if she's going to be your only ddil. But from what you've written here she doesn't sound horrible, and I still don't really understand why you don't like her - maybe just not your type of person?

Mrsjayy · 10/05/2021 12:43

You sound insecure because she has parents who are 'better off" than you she loves your DD regardless of swimming pools or whatever and in return she is happy to go out for meals and be in your company so just go with that be in the moment with her you don't have to gel just like her be pleasant and enjoy their company when they are with you. Dds partner moved in during covid o don't really know them that well but you have to try the best you can don't you ?

Mulletsaremisunderstood · 10/05/2021 13:05

It's interesting that you say she's from a wealthier background but you still pay for her to come on holiday.

Of course you should be civil/ pleasant to her, but why would you pay for a holiday or meals out for someone you don't like?