DS blames me for how he turned out

[notaflyingmonkey]

DS is 20 and has mental health issues. He also has a history of psychosis caused by self medicating with weed.

He is a vulnerable adult who has been cuckooed in the past, and who struggles with understanding who is a friend and who is not.

Long story short, he blames me as his mother for how he is. And in turn uses 'how he is' as a justification for using weed.

I have tried to get him therapy, but he doesn't engage. I get that he is doing this to me as a test, but it has got to the point where my own MH is taking direct hits as a consequence and I spend my evenings googling one bed flats I could rent for myself as an escape.

Nothing and nobody that I have approached seems able to help him - adult mental health services, charities, etc.

I feel so bloody alone.

That sounds brutal OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Has he actually been diagnosed with anything?

That sounds hard.. Really hard....
Im a bit tough love so would likely just rinse and repeat the raised eyebrow quizzical expression.. 'surely you are the most influence on how youve turned out and, more importantly, your future...'
Mental health provision is absolutely shocking.. Getting decent help is almost impossible.. You have my greatest sympathy but unfortunately I have no help.. Just a hand hold...

I’m afraid if he has psychosis the ‘rinse and repeat’ simply isn’t an option. He will truly believe what he is saying. It’s very tough OP, I am afraid I don’t have any sage words because you/he will only get help when he is a danger either to himself or others and then it is invasive help i.e. section. A close family member went through this. It could be worth attempting to get him his own place for independent living, it may well be more manageable with separate spaces.

Thanks for the messages of support. I think taking a hellish situation and adding a year of on/off lockdown, has made things so much harder.

He has been diagnosed as bipolar, almost certainly brought on by drugs. He says it is only when manic or high that he feels good in himself.

I just keep responding by saying that he has to determine his own future now, rather than just retreating into self pity.

I am so sorry. I have idea how to advise you but this sounds so hard and relentless.

Do you have a support system of your own ?

In the end you have stop blaming others and take responsibility yourself.
Some get given it all, on a plate. The good looks, the intelligence, the money, the loving supportive parents, everything.

But eventually you have to stop blaming. Ok, so this is where I am, now, and only I can affect this from here on in.

He needs to get to that place.

Why did he start taking drugs in the first place? Were you aware of this at the time?

He really does believe this stuff. And quotes 'research' done in the US that 'proves' smoking weed helps with MH. There is no point in me arguing logic vs the internet.

I can see how independent living could help him, and that may be something he is going to look into as we come out of lockdown, but again, I worry at how vulnerable he is, despite the fact he thinks he is super cool etc

Have you spoken to the bipolar association uk OP? If he is a vulnerable adult he should qualify for a place in supported accommodation.

Weed has caused so much psychosis but the end is that he needs professional help. If you moved out, could he afford to keep on your current place (or vice versa)?

Can you think of any reasons why he blames you? Did he have a difficult upbringing?

I myself had a difficult childhood but I leaned to understand that my parents were trying their best and had their own issues. Ideally he will get to the place too.

Would he attend family therapy with you?

Its tricky as if he has bipolar and psychosis then that will require longterm managing as its a serious mh condition.

My mum has these conditions and cannot see other perspectives at all when high/manic/psychotic.

Its no good posters saying they need to or take responsibility etc it would be the equivalent of telling someone in a wheelchair to "just get on and walk." It just wont be possible at times.

Is he medicated? Has he (and you?) had any bipolar education/support? Does he have a support worker/have you had a carers assesment (which can signpost support and education for you)

I realised when he was 17 that he was smoking weed, as his behaviour started becoming odd. Since then we have had near constant battles about it. MH services won't help while he is smoking it. He has been clean for 5 months now, but is missing it and hence the arguments starting up again.

I have mental health issues, nothing this serious though. I think some of it stems from my childhood, but actually not very much. I think this is me, not as balanced as others and I was probably harder to manage as a child because of this.

However, my parents did their best. I'm now an adult and it's entirely my responsibility to manage my mental health now and that includes dealing with any issues from my childhood. Even if my childhood had been abusive it would make no difference (but it would be harder).

Is he taking any meds for bipolar disorder?

If not that would be my first priority.

(Separate issue but I had a traumatic/abusive childhood although my parents deny it. I have had a lot of counselling but it has had a lifelong effect and is still hard to cope with. I don't think its the sort of thing you just get over and move on easily. ) However bipolar and psychosis sound like the root issue and the blame is just rhe current outworking of that.

My mum when very unwell is convinced the cia are spying on her and that there are cameras in lamposts. No amount of reason will make a difference - similarly when less detatched from reality she still will be convinced X has offended her/doesnt like her and it is SO real to her.

It can be hugely difficult to live with and support. I'd really recommend seeking help.

He won't take his meds as he doesn't like how they make him feel, but he hasn't had a manic episode for a while now.

I will try the biopolar association, thanks for that.

He has had a relatively good upbringing, but claims I have poor genes.

I had a carers assessment last summer, but never heard back from them.

Its tricky with drugs/alcohol as so many with bipolar will take drugs/alcohol to calm their anxiety which is due to the bipolar (self medicating.) Its hard to treat one well without the other and can be hard to give up drugs/alcohol without some other support for the bipolar in place

He's quite young. Some of those who use drugs or who have in the past, take a bit longer to grow up. Perhaps it might help a bit with the cravings if he kept himself busy after lockdown.

Well you can hardly take responsibility for your genes .

It sounds like he's lashing out and the person closest to him. So sorry OP. You obviously can't help him by yourself. Will the mental health team help now that he has given up weed.

How long did he take his meds for initially, more than a few weeks? Long enough that any side effects had worn off? Or perhaps he was still taking drugs (weed) and it reacted badly with the meds.

You can love your son but you shouldn’t have to be his whipping boy. You both need professional help. And if he could get into some kind of supported accommodation it may help him settle down. Although I think you will find he refuses to stop smoking weed and will get refused help unless he makes an effort to try.

Sorry you are both going through this. It sounds very tough.