Dd

[Monica53]

Hello
How are peoples 20yr olds coping with /coped with lowdown’s.

Our Dd has been home from Uni for several months now , has always been quiet and few friends - this is due to badly bullied in high school by her so called best friends and their parents 😢🤬and I do believe it has had an effect on her regards trust issues and she always says she just wants a group of friends . It is now nearly 2am and been lying on her bed and she is so sad and terribly lonely - none of her few friends she has have messaged her and no one invited her out for the first taste of freedom yesterday. I’ve suggested she reaches out to one of the few and just let them know she feels low. She is due back at Uni end of April however she says as she doesn’t drink or do clubs it’s hard to make friends (difficult anyway due to Covid) .

Anyone any ideas to help - I’m flummoxed and so sad for her 😢

Your poor DD, I think this is hardest on that age group - just as life should be expanding for them it's really shrunk down.

When back at uni there's loads she could do that's not related to boozing/clubbing. Does she have any interests or hobbies that she can get involved with a uni group for? Maybe a sport, or drama or music? There tends to be something or everything at uni. Even if she doesn't have a particular interest get her to look at whether there's something she'd like to take up - eg unis often have clubs/groups for unusual sports where everyone is a beginner at first.

While at home could she connect with any of these online first, so make friends virtually before she starts?

Definitely encourage her to be the one to ask people to do something. I've always been the person that messages and asks first in my friendships. It upset me for a while but I've made my peace with it now. I'm happy having lots of plans so I make it my responsibility to make them happen. I'm also an only child so I guess used to having to find fun for myself rather than it just being there. She shouldn't feel upset about being the "first mover" so to speak - I'm sure her friends will be delighted if she suggests a group picnic in the park or whatever, or even just a coffee one on one.

Thankyou @YukoandHiro for replying - I’m wide awake now due to upset for her. Breaks my heart. I’ve suggested she drops a message to one of her friends(her words they’re no interested in seeing her anymore ) and just ask- I’ve also said sometimes there is always one who always sends first message.

It’s been so tough on the younger generation during current situation we’re in with lockdowns etc. I’ll
Suggest the group thing to her though she thinks those who don’t drink at Uni are classed as odd? 😳 .

I just want her to be happy again and it’s been a long time since I’ve heard her be really happy - it’s upsetting

Gosh it's so hard being 20. What she feels is odd, as an adult we know is recognising yourself and owning yourself - it's strength of character. Can you find a way to gently see that being exactly who she is is all she needs to do to gain the respect and friendship of others (people who are worth being friends with, that is).

Funnily enough my husband is now 50 but still feels that way about people not reaching out to him. I'm constantly telling him that people do still want to see him, they're just busy with family life. Lo and behold every time he's in touch they respond straight away. Remind her that other people may also be feeling the same way as her and would welcome her reaching out.

My DDs are only 3.5 and 5 months but I know the emotional side of teens/early twenties will be just as hard as parenting tiny ones. You're doing brilliantly xx

(I'm wide awake after a night feed worrying about my DH who is poorly - I'm worried it's covid but it's probably just his asthma as we are immunised)

I’m feeling similar in a way about my daughter 19. She deferred college for a year and since last March she had only met up with one friend a few times . She is generally happy enough but recently she had got very quiet , not eating much , barely comes out of her room . Her parttime job is still closed . She is liked a closed book and is cool to me ( because I suggested she starts walking daily and reduced screen time !) she is waiting on some appts for some hormonal problems so I know she has lots going on . It’s very hard to keep quiet and not interfere and as I learned to not make unwanted suggestions. She can hold a grudge for a few days . I’m torn between pulling her up on it as I was only trying to be caring ( and worried ) and letting her be. I find letting her be probably best in the long run and then discuss when she is better form. We only want happy kids really don’t we .