To choose NC with adult kids/step kids?

[Woods52]

Has anyone had experience of this?

We are considering stepping away from my husband’s adult kids lives. At least until they mature and change their behaviour?

They live away, near their mum.

He and their mum split when they were small but he has been constant in their lives. Visiting regularly, paying their bills, buying gifts etc.

Son (26) caused huge emotional damage in the last year with drug dealing, drug driving, stealing from his gran (my MIL) and emotionally abusing her, threatening us with violence etc when we stepped in to intervene. Police have been involved.

Daughter (21) never gets in touch except to ask for money.

MiL is currently with us and is end of life with terminal cancer. She will die any day. Today is her birthday.
She thinks the world of her grandkids but they have not sent any card, asked how she is our or bothered to ask how their dad is (grief stricken)

Today we get a text from daughter asking for money. Just that. No concern about their gran or to ask how he is.

When DH replies to say how upset he is at her insensitivity/selfishness she gets angry and tells him he is a joke.

This is typical behaviour.

DH is drained and heartbroken at their behaviour. They bring no happiness to his life.
He says he is happier not dealing with them.
I don’t think they’d even care if this happened?

To me, from a close, loving family, this seems unnatural. But I can sympathise.

Does anyone have any similar experiences? Can this be done, and is it best for everyone involved?

Thank you

How emotionally draining and upsetting. It sounds like you are lovely people by looking after your mil in her last days of life.

I don’t have adult children but if I was your husband and you I would not have no contact with his adult children but I would however give them less time and contact.

I would also tell them that your focus and energy is on your mil at the moment and I would also stop or limit the finances to them both as they are adults now.

I think it’s time to change the dynamics in the relationship but not stop having a relationship with them. Sadly you can’t change their behaviour but you can change your behaviour and boundaries with them.

It sounds like your husband needs to take some time for self care for himself and recharge his batteries a little.

Best wishes

@ilovepuggies. Thank you for commenting and for your kind wishes. I think this is very sound advice.

I agree with @ilovepuggies. I wouldn't go NC with them but by stopping the cash flow you might find that happens naturally. It does sound as though his daughter is treating him like a cash machine. His step son's treatment of his own grandmother is really terrible.

I'd step away, not contact them, reply in a civil manner to messages but not send any money. I hope your MIL has a happy birthday with you both - what an awful end to her life.

I think, just as a general rule, I wouldn't make any life changing decisions in the throws of grief. Does he have to make a decision now, or can he simply ignore them while he focuses on his mum and himself?

Everyone has their own perspective and while your husband may mostly be in the right, his children might feel they have grievances. Opening the conversation about going no contact might mean they air those. Is he really in a place to deal with that right now?

@Eskarina1thank you. You are very kind

@HollowTalk thank you. That’s very kind of you. She is unconscious now. Which is why it’s so upsetting to get a text like that without even a care for her. But yes, stepping back while remaining civil and allowing for some movement would cause DH less upset. He has no other family and these kids are all he has. It’s so sad.

@Eskarina1 Sorry I didn’t get the finish that. Thank you for your advice. You are right in what you say. There must be some grievances on their part to explain their behaviour and full NC would cause more division and hurt, for all parties.
I can’t bear the thought of cutting them out forever but their selfish, insensitive behaviour is just adding to the grief and distress.

I think it’s sensible not to make any major decisions while grieving (or anticipating grieving). When my MIL died, the hospice advised us strongly not to make any major decisions for at least a year. That was sensible as DH was all over the place.

For now, your DH should focus on his mum, on making her last days comfortable, and on dealing with his own grief. Take a big step back from the children, and don’t do or say anything that’s irrevocable.

Focus on your dh snd his mum for now as these are important and lasting memories. All else can wait x

Thanks everyone for your messages. MiL died 2 days after I posted this.
Thankfully she is now at peace.

DH had more trolling msgs from his son (via a new number) the night before she died. We then recovered similar texts (we think induced by drink/drugs) on MIL’s phone - threatening DH with violence - which she was too ill to retrieve. It beggars belief really.

Hopefully he is blocked now so DH can mourn in peace and get some distance from this. He was her only son and has already lost his father so it’s been a lot for him to carry.

Even with time he is not sure he wants his son in his life after all this. Every day he doesn’t have abuse from him brings relief and respite. So right now, NC is the only realistic option.
It’s all very sad and bewildering.

It all sounds so horrific and time to grieve is needed.
Can you possibily switch your phone off for now to allow space from this distressing situation .. perhaps buy a cheap pay as you go. You need time to grieve and plan the funereal not abuse.

So sorry OP

It’s possible they will grow out of this stage so I would go low rather than no contact - if they don’t improve it will gradually drift to no contact organically