Empty nest syndrome

[Spring2121]

I have one son at uni and my 22 year old announced tonight that he has got a mortgage and is leaving home. I should be pleased but I am absolutely heartbroken. I thought he would stay at home for another few years. To be honest I haven't stopped crying. All I can think about is my kids laughing and playing when they were young. It really hurts to come to the end of being needed by your children. Not sure I am coping very well with this at the moment. Any advice because I am dying inside.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad OP. My three have all flown and I know what you mean. I often think of the times we had together when they were young, little games played, fun in school hols, routine for school - all of it really. I miss it and I miss them -but, know that I can't change it. I accept the situation and let them fly. Let them know that you miss/will miss them and make plans for regular get togethers when covid allows.Good luck x

Oh yes. I feel like that about my only son who’s at uni. I miss him so much, and miss the lovely company of his childhood
But I am telling myself it’s good he’s becoming independent and I look forward to him coming home. But it’s hard and I hear you xx

Hi Spring, I hear you too, esp after having my youngest go to uni last Sept, nothing had prepared me for the feeling it left me with!
However, when you say It really hurts to come to the end of being needed by your children. yes this is how I felt but having thought about it I don't think it is the end, it is just different. I suppose the way I come to terms with it is by thinking that I wouldn't want my grown up child to be totally incapable without me so , hard as it is, it's good that they are fending for themselves. The outcome, tough and unbearable (at times) as it is now, it IS positive, keep telling yourself that. I hope you feel a bit better soon but know you are not alone.

Is it harder letting your sons go? Daughter is the eldest, but it is highly likely that my sons will leave first. My DM was struggled to let me go, I put it down to me being an only child, but now of course the boot is on the other foot so to speak. My heart is literally breaking at the thought of it. Daughter has been horrid which according to the psychology books is natures way of getting you ready to let them go, but my son...

Hi @Spring2121, how are you doing? This has just happened to me. DS has finished university and I honestly expected him to be "home" for a while now as it didn't seem like he was in a relationship or anything like that. Anyway, turns out he's been in a relationship for a couple of years, one that he's kept hidden because he's also told me he's gay. I have no idea why he needed to keep this from me as actually I'm not entirely surprised and I'm so pleased to see him so happy, but now they are looking for somewhere to live and there's the whammy for me. He's gone from being my boy, home from uni, to a grown up with a significant other looking for their first home. So home isn't here anymore, and he has a more important person in his life than me. I've had zero time to process this or plan and prepare for it and honestly I'm bereft. Constant knot in my stomach, trying not to cry. But in spite of all that I know it's the right thing for him and it's the way things are and all that. But I will miss him so terribly. I can't let it show, not at this wonderful exciting time in his life, I want to be be 100% supportive and show how happy I am for him. But yeah. Dying inside, I so totally get you there!

How are things for you now OP? It's been a few months since you first posted.

Even when they leave the nest they will always still need you in some way (assuming non toxic relationship). even our sons. They still contact me a lot just for a natter like they would if at home still (and me them). We have a group whatsapp and we are still creating memories, having a laugh, the sibling squabbles and the rest!!

When they want some advice they still come to me knowing I'm still looking out for their happiness but will also call them out when needed.

Thank you @canigooutyet that's good to know

Hi there it is a total shock when your kids announce they are leaving home. I really do sympathise with you. The years have gone far too fast and I was like you, not prepared for this moment. I am pleased that your son has a happy life and has found a special person to spend his life with. I have to take each day as it comes. My son moved out he was so excited I burst in to tears when he was going. Very slowly I am coming round to the idea that he isn't living here anymore. I honestly thought I would die from the heartbreak of him leaving home. I try not to think too deeply in to the whole situation otherwise there would be more tears. It still hurts. The only thing to do is keep busy and try to make a lot of plans. On the flip side I had forgotten how liberating it can be to be able to walk around your own home semi naked, go to the toilet in peace, No more bloody dishes in the sink, food in the fridge and the electric meter not going in to orbit. So it's safe to say it will take me a while to get used to the new way of life but I am trying hard to see the light on the other side of new found freedom.

It happens, we should be pleased but it's hard. Thanks to covid we have 2 currently in residence but it will be very quiet come October, though food bills will be better!

Looks like it's a long journey then @Spring2121, and not really a surprise. It's grief really I suppose, as we've lost such a huge part of us, and our role in life too. Every day I wake up and feel like my heart breaks in two all over again when I think of him leaving and setting up his new home and new life. It's the most bitter sweet thing I have ever felt because at the same time I am so pleased to see him so very obviously happy and see this wonderful phase of his life unfold. I look back and I realize now that my mum must have felt the same about me leaving home, but she never showed it. Or maybe she was glad to be rid of me, I don't know. Thanks for your words, it makes me feel a bit less alone in this

Ours moved o/s for work/career reasons and with covid, it meant we didn't get to see her for well over a year. Our plan was to have short stays back and forth and the like...

I'm grateful she has a wonderful job, is moving along in the company but doesn't know (if) she will return ''home'' at some stage.

Opportunities and matching income levels are rare where we live.

It's hard to know if the feelings are because of covid changing everyone's plans or solely mourning the loss of being together/nearby.

We are 3 years out from making some changes to our way of life too. Do we up sticks and move nearer to her, or something else.

It's not easy is it?

I find a family WhatsApp group is brilliant for having the almost constant chatter of when they were home. And you never stop being a parent or being needed. They're just not physically there. Friends, dogs, work, fitness and (divorced from their dad) a new relationship have helped me get through.

Bless you OP. It's so hard isnt it. Try and keep busy so you dont think about it.

Im crying tonight too. My 16 yr old is in the US studying and I miss him dreadfully. He went in August. Ive tried to keep busy thrown myself into everything and anything but tonight Ive put the tv on pause and I can feel my heart aching Im just sat here on my own and I feel so lonely.