Am I at Fault?

[feefaa]

I'm a lone parent; raised them from when they were babies/toddllers with no practical or financial help. It's been difficult but they're doing well. They're in their early to mid twenties and working. I only ask that they cover the increase in council tax from not being able to get the lone person council tax discount. They don't help around the house either. I don't keep in good health and woud like to retire at 60 the latest. Daughter is a carer and works hard, She often does 50+ hours a week. She's been home a few days and I've been running her around in the car (I'm off too). I got irritated with her because she's been constantly, over the last 3 days, showing me silly meems about how young adults can't cope in the real world. So I snapped when she refused to look after her rabbit for a few minutes - I said she didn't know what it's like running a household and that when she pays a mortgage/utilities etc etc, organises reapairs etc, she'll know then how difficult it is. She now says that I've given her the message that I don't want her living at home and that she's going to find a live in carer job (and so move out). I look after all her pets - 5 in total.

You should let her move out. You’ve done nothing wrong other than not make it a pre- requisite that enough old enough to help round the house acts like an adult and does help out

Hard as it is to hear, her moving out is probably a good thing (and good luck to her finding a live in carers job that will accommodate 5 pets). Only then will she begin to realise what a cushy life you gave her at home.
You are not at fault for telling her some of the realities of life, you are at fault for not instilling the habit of pulling her weight in the house from an early age.

One went ballistic on another because they knicked a t-shirt yesterday. The one who owns the t-shirt shouted at me for not stopping the other from taking the t-shirt.......then moaned that ther was no food in the house.......cupboards full. The joys of parenthood. They keep telling me that I should be happy that they're not in prison. I am but a bit of help would be nice.

She made me feel like there was something wrong with me for saying anything. They still don't understand that I will not be frightened into saying what needs to be said, in my own house.

When they have such arguments you need to say “ you are adults, sort it out yourself and act like adults” . And re the prison comment say “ that’s an extremely low bar, if you reckon my parenting is that bad that you just barely stay out of prison perhaps you should try and make it alone”

missed out the word 'not'

It's good to talk with other parents. Also glad that I get to go to work, otherwise I'd be a victim of jungle fever

I'd be telling both of them they either pull their weight financially and with housework or they are free to live somewhere else. Stop pandering to them as if they are still young kids.

They keep telling me that I should be happy that they're not in prison

I’d be telling them that’s a ridiculously low bar they’re setting for themselves as a measure of success.

You’re doing too much and giving too much, OP. DD2 lives with us and pays a decent amount each month - about half what a lodger would but certainly enough to cover all her food and a share of the bills. She also pulls her weight properly around the house. Because of this, arguments are very infrequent and it works well.

DD1, I had many battles with over the same and in the end after one argument she said “do you think I should move out?” and I shocked myself and her I think by saying, “yes, I think you should”. Being honest, there are times I miss her being here, but it couldn’t go on as it was. Our relationship is far better than when she was at home - partly because she now realises how much hard work and how expensive it all is.

They need to shape up or ship out.