My estranged dad has been given terminal diagnosis

[Elle3585]

I'm really confused, I have been estranged from my dad for 15 years since I was 19 years, he tried to contact me a few times for the first year but nothing since, I attended his dad's funeral 2 years ago and he completely blanked me. In November just gone my Grandma his mum passed away from Covid, I attended her funeral, he again did not look in my direction. The day after her funeral I got a phone call from his brother to say my dad wanted uncle to pass on his number and to say he had terminal liver lung and colon cancer, it took me a week to pluck up the courage to send a message, I got a very basic reply that was 3 months ago. I sent another message now a week ago and have heard nothing. Emotionally I'm a mess I don't know what I should be doing thinking or feeling. I thought with him being terminal and wanting to contact me that he would have wanted more than two messages, im now feeling more lost than before and unsure what I should do. Everyone i've spoke to about it said follow your heart. I don't honestly think he wants anything to do with me, I'm the family he traded in, his only daughter, we were so close before I was 19, then it l went wrong. Ive missed out on so much of my family. I'm torn in knowing whether to just move on and take the no reply as a hint he still doesn't want anything to do with me or to write a letter a d get it all down on paper and have it sent to him

Being terminally ill hasn't changed his personality.

You could write him a letter saying what you want . If he doesn't write back or he replies in an unpleasant way, leave it there.

His behaviour and actions-or lack of them-is about him and his issues- not about you. Remember that.

I would write the letter but MumisNot is completely right, having cancer won't have changed him and if you do write to him, do it so that you can think back that you tried and you put the effort in.

If he doesn't reply, it really says a lot about him

I am so so sorry to hear your story. I think you might be better off finding a good counsellor and talking through some of this grief. You lost your dad before and losing him again means I think you need some help to get through this. Be kind to yourself xxx

I would say that he was holding back and avoiding eye contact because he knows that he has let WAY too much water slide under the bridge and he felt too guilty to approach you. Shame makes people do this. I was virtually NC with both of my parents (abusive) and yet I ended up nursing both of them in their final weeks. What did I gain from this? Some kind of beautiful Disney moment? Naaaaah....
My advice to you would be that you have a lovely life to live. He made his choices. If you want to write a letter, then do so, but make sure it’s not something that you will regret saying later... at the same time, make sure that you convey the basics of what you need to say so that you don’t regret NOT saying it either. (Maybe write it out in dot points first?)