How much contact with adult children

[Oatyoatcakes]

I've three adult DC in their late 20s, early 30s. All of them have partners and work, studies and partners mean that life circumstances have resulted in them living quite a long way from me at the moment. What sort of contact do you have with your DC in these circumstances? I would have a couple of texts with them in a normal week, just checking in, bits of news. I would hear if anything was wrong and they call and ask for advice or support when they need it. Pre covid we would visit each other every couple or few months. I've got friends with DC the same age, one of them talks to her DC every day, and DC tells her every detail of her life, what's for dinner, rings after doctors appointments to discuss what was said, even if it's a minor thing. I sometimes think that I'm not as close with my DC as I dont always know these details, or maybe it's odd, or even needy, to check in so frequently. How much contact do you have with adult DC?

A couple of texts a week or conversations?

When I first grew up I had minimal contact for ages, I didn't feel I needed it and was too young and self absorbed to realise it wasn't about me! My mum speaks on the phone twice a week, unless anything exciting happens and now lives in hollering distance of me. We started speaking a lot more at the time she retired and I had a baby (pretty much the same time). My brother was also AWOL for several years in his 20s / early 30s.
Covid has meant that we can't see people, but also that we don't have much to say. "What did you do? " "Oh, I went for a walk too!"

@userxx a couple of texts, but they turn into longer conversations if anyone has anything to say! These are initiated by me or them randomly

I didn’t have much contact with my mum when I left home in my 20s. When I was pregnant we spoke a couple times a week, once my son was born we spoke and continue to speak every day.

Mine are all adult now. I get texts sometimes through the week. One DC calls me every weekend and we have a long chat. One of the others lives abroad and we Skype every Sunday and again whatsapp through the week. The other one still lives at home, so we haven't got to that point yet.
For us this is normal, but I know what you mean about other families with adult children who they hear from everyday. It doesn't mean ours aren't as close to us as they are, things are just different.

@love51
Thanks for your perspective, I was very busy establishing myself as independent in my 20s and early 30s. I had no idea it wasnt all about me! I certainly wouldn't have been in contact with my mum daily or even weekly. I'm pleased they are being independent and seem to manage v well. I also feel sure that they will talk to me if they have an issue. It's just that we don't do much chatting!

DD 26, DSD 23. DD lives about 10 mins away, we speak everyday, and go for a walk together about 4 times a week. She also speaks or sees her grandma most days. This has increased during COVID and DD is furloughed. We have always been close but she is incredible family oriented. She also speaks to her dad most days and often calls DH, her stepdad for a chat if she hasn’t spoken to him for a few days. I speak to my mum everyday. DD’s partner speaks to his mum most days.

DH speaks to SD most days and I speak to her about 3 or 4 days a week. DH speaks to his parents about 5 times a week. DSD partner speaks to his grandma, who practically brought him up very regularly.

We are all close and it works for us.

I left for uni right after turning 16, moved somewhere that was a 2.5h flight away. For the first 2-3 years I would text my mum most days to let her know I was doing okay, but phone calls were a once a week or every two weeks, kind of thing.

Several years later and I'm now in my 20s with a job, doing a masters and similar circumstances as you describe with your children. I'm way busier than I was at uni. But I call my mum most days and we're on the phone for ages... it's usually on the way to/from work or whilst I'm doing the shopping or running some other errand. It was half an hour yesterday but almost 2h on Friday We love to talk now and I tell her everything about my day, yes. Not because I need help or advice on how to do certain things, but because I love telling her about it and hearing about her day too.

The relationship has developed over the years, I'm way closer to my mum now than when I was 15 and still living at home. With one of my siblings it's different, they don't call her so often. As for face to face contact, I've never gone back home for longer than 2 weeks since I left for uni... it used to be Christmas, Easter and 1-2 weeks in summer (the industry I'm in means most of the summer is taken up by courses, events and work projects that make it the busiest period of the year). Now it's one week in summer and one week at Christmas.

Each family and each child has different dynamics I'd say. Personally I can't imagine not talking to my mum every day. But others who don't call their mums every day are just as close to them as I am. It doesn't make less independent to tell her everything, it's just part of our relationship. I would love to see her and hug her more often though

People are all different, people go through different stages, there's no strict line of right or wrong.

When I moved from home to go to uni, my parents rang me once a week at a set time. The set time was so I wouldn't feel they were checking up on me or expecting me always to be in- days before mobile phones. We always used to have quite long conversations. . That worked well for us for the next 35 years until the pandemic, when I started ringing more frequently- now it's every 3 days, at least. My mum is stuck in the house with my dad who is lovely but also hard of hearing & getting to an age where he sleeps a lot, while her mind is very active and craves interaction. I enjoy talking to her so not a problem. Doesn't have to be anything major: a book I read or a bird I saw or something I've been thinking about.

My own dd moved away 4 years ago (though now home for pandemic). I had thought some similar arrangement but she usually rings more frequently as she suffers from anxiety and likes to talk. Again we always have plenty to talk about, she is an interesting person & I always like to hear her take on things & learn new things from her.

The difference in frequency doesn't mean there is a difference in quality between our relationship and the one I have with my mum- just that different relationships work differently.

Do you feel like you want more contact? If everybody is happy than do what works for your family - however if not than adjust things until it feels like a better fit!