Abuse from DP son

[Woods52]

DP’s son is 25 and lives in another city. He and DP have always been close with DP seeing him regularly. He regularly lends him money and always treats him to dinner etc when he sees him.

In the past year his son’s behaviour has become intolerable. We learned from his brother he is involved with drugs and dealing. He has now been convicted of drug driving (the police said he was a regular offender).

He received a ban, community service and ordered to attend rehab. He was also sacked from his very good job.

DP is livid and very upset and has told son as such. He feels their relationship has been ruined.

Now son has split from partner (they have a baby). He is sending/posting abusive angry messages to various family members including DP who he has called a “faggot”, for his lack of support.

On Xmas Eve, the son left his city, travelled 200 miles and moved in with this gran (DP’s mum) who is 10 mins from us. She WORSHIPS her DGS and knows little about the extent of his behaviour.

This means he is absconding from his rehab and community service and facing more trouble. He is also working and socialising in other houses so putting a vulnerable older woman (in Tier 3) at risk. We are furious.

Gran was supposed to be with us at Xmas (we are her support bubble) and initially I was prepared to invite DP’s son too for Gran’s sake.

However, DP told me that his son has also been convicted of physically assaulting his partner and there is now an injunction. This is a very raw subject to me, due to my own past experience with domestic violence. I am zero tolerant and DP knows this which is why he kept it from me.

DP does not want to see him or speak to him he is so angry.
His son won’t speak on the phone and won’t engage in any calm/reasonable discussion via text.
He just sends DP abusive texts and blames him for ‘the way he is’.

He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, offences or show any consideration for putting his Gran at risk of being in trouble or exposing her to COVID (we know he is socialising and working whilst staying with her)

Today he has travelled back to his city (staying with ‘mates’) and has sent a photo of himself with his baby to DP saying ‘I have time for my kids’, ie accusing DP of neglect.

WTF should we do? We can no longer visit DP’s mum and see him due to COVID rules. Son won’t talk on phone and won’t engage in any sensible conversation on text.

DP is reluctant to respond/engage with abusive texts but feels helpless at what to do. Does he just sit it out and leave him to it? He feels like any support he has given in the past has been sabotaged.

DP is very low, upset and at a loss at what to do. He is worrying that he is to blame in some way.

I veer from thinking son has issues and needs support to thinking he is a nasty, selfish, abusive prick who I don’t want in our lives but I am aware my own DV trauma may be affecting me.

What would you do? Any advice welcome.

I would be more concerned about dp's mother. If the son has a drug habit and has lost his job, it is only a matter of time before he steals from her.

Does she know about his convictions? He has a history of violence. Is she old, frail or vulnerable?

@Mintjulia yes I should have also emphasised we are worried about her and the impact his behaviour may have on her. She is 70, I would say quite physically vulnerable but quite wise to how he is.
She knows about the drugs, ban and split but thinks he can do no wrong. She blames son’s ex partner for what happened and ‘the way he is’ and says she wants to fix him. She won’t have a bad word against him.
I don’t think he would steal (she has very little to steal) but he will take advantage of her kindness. She seems to value DGS above anyone else.

I should add she doesn’t know how many times he was caught or how much he has been using (just that he does). We only found this out from the court report.

Should I contact DP’s mum directly and tell her exactly what he’s done (including the severity of the assault) and the potential impact of him absconding? She is burying her head in the sand and seems to think we are being unreasonable by not engaging.

Tell the granny the full extent of what her dgs has done. She can then decide for herself what support she gives him , but she will be making an informed decision, not one based on you or rather your DP , sheltering her from the facts.

@Mintjulia

I would be more concerned about dp's mother. If the son has a drug habit and has lost his job, it is only a matter of time before he steals from her.

Does she know about his convictions? He has a history of violence. Is she old, frail or vulnerable?

This. I know of someone, in almost identical situations, that went to stay with his nan, and it ended up with drug dealers threatening her at the door because he hadn't paid. This could easily be your DP's mum soon.

I'd contact her.

I think you should encourage your DP to contact her but you should not. It's his son and his mother - it's not your place to interfere. Once she knows she can then decide whether she continues to support him. Surely she has asked you DH questions as to why their relationship has broken down?

What support does his ex have? How old is the baby? She’s the one I’d be trying to support, if she’d welcome it, not him. He sounds like an extremely horrible human being and I’d have DP tell his mum exactly what his son has done, ignore any further abuse from him and reach out to his ex.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you yes this was our first concern. We are in regular contact and she knows she has our full support (including financial) if she needs it. She has a strong support network thankfully

@gottakeeponmovin yes my instinct is also that it would be interfering. This is his family. I’ve just been worried because of the risk to his mum and if doing nothing makes me compliant in the risk.
DP is going to have full, frank discussion with her so she knows the full facts. He has been reluctant to so she didn’t worry and in case it made the conflict and abuse from his son worse. But she does need to know the facts.

For there’s an injunction out against him, how did he get to see the baby? Has he broken the injunction?

@Soontobe60 I understand he has arranged visits to the child. Away from the home.

The police or adult social services may be willing to advise the grandmother about protecting herself from the excesses of the violent junkie. Worth your DP asking.

Thanks all. DP has now told his mum everything we know about the drugs and violence. She says she knows everything but just wants to help and it’s her decision. DP told her he is worried about who will coming knocking on her door. She says she doesn’t care.

DP also said if she wants to help to tell her grandson to shows some contrition, go back to his home city and behave responsibly (including starting rehab). He will not listen to anyone else.

And yes, we will now ignore abuse. It’s almost daily and horrible. If he reached out for help with his problems we would do what we can, but he has not shown any remorse or intention to change his behaviour.

So sorry you’re all going through this. Well, not MIL. She’s a fucking idiot harbouring a dangerous, violent criminal. But poor you, DP and ex DIL.

Just block him now. You don’t need this toxic awfulness in your lives.