Ex husband hit our 19 year old son

[Selfimprovement]

My ex has a history of alcohol abuse and I left him when the kids were younger as he was violent and aggressive towards me and them. Fast forward to my oldest now being 19 and the youngest 16. He came to my house to see them and was drunk (I had no idea) the kids went out to see him as he came with a friend and his car was at the bottom of the driveway. The kids were out there around 45 mins and when they came in the 19 year old was upset and my daughter told me her dad was drunk and he kept hitting her brother in the face (hard) and he also kicked him. I tried to speak to my son but he was too upset and didn’t want to talk about it. He idolises his dad and is also scared of him, both kids are.

I had no idea anything was even going on outside and was sitting inside oblivious. I didn’t even know he was back on the drink.

I rang me ex the day after and threatened to go to the police if he ever hits any of the kids again. I also told him we have CCTV of his actions (a neighbour might have caught it on one of his cameras).

My concerns are he will hit the kids again now that this incident has happened. My son goes to university in the same city my ex lives in and if anything like this were to happen again my son wouldn’t even tell me and again I would be oblivious. I don’t know what action to take to stop him hitting my kids again.

As a mother my instinct is to protect my kids but everyone is scared of him, his own family, my kids, even me.

Report him to the police. Show your son how to stand up for himself and report him. Ask to see your neighbour's CCTV too, but phone them. I'm so sorry this has happened, it's really hard when the children are enmeshed in it all.

Call the police. He has assaulted your son. There is no second chance.

I am remarried and my husband said I should report him. But what will the police do? We might not have CCTV footage (the neighbour said they would check it tomorrow). My son won’t want me to report his dad either.

Time for the husband to go, hitting someone is NEVER okay.

They'll take a statement, they'll go and see your X. They may or may not arrest him. But what it does is show your X that you and the kids won't take this behaviour lying down, that it will be reported and action will be taken. Don't forget your dd saw it, so there's a witness.

I understand your son won't want to report it, but this is when you step in as the adult. If you'd seen a man hitting a stranger in the street would you report it?

But after this, why would your son ever go out to talk to his Dad again? Or see him or meet up with him?

Why didn't he come straight back in after the first blow?

What is your son saying about what happened? Is he talking to you about it?

Looking after your poor son isn't all about police and reporting, he will be emotionally very fragile.

How is your dd?

Are they terrified that they may bear the brunt if you report him?

Does he know where your son lives / stays in his Uni town?

CCTV and charge.

How many times is your son expected to be hit? Or maybe he has to fall and knock his head on the ground and be down. There are NO EXCUSES for violence.

What the fuck. Your ds and dd stood outside while your ex punched and kicked your ds in the middle of the street for 45 minutes!!
Why was he is a car at the bottom of the drive? Why haven't you already reported him? Is this the first time this has happened?

The kids are scared of the consequences of me reporting it to the police. They are scared of their dad, most people are, he is big and aggressive. My ex will not let it go, if I report him, he might do something to me or them. I left him because of his violence when my son was 7. As far as I know this is the first time he has hit him.

My ex lives in the city my son goes to uni, he knows where his accommodation is.

I know that if my ex comes to the house again the kids will go out to see him and he will apologise, promise not to do it again, promise to give up the drink and buy them back with money or expensive gifts.

What @Iminaglasscaseofemotion said

It wasn’t a 45 minute attack on my ds. My son has no visible bruises or marks. My ex husband was normal first, then upset saying he had failed them, then he got angry

You need to go to the police

Again, why have you not already reported this attack on your son? They don't want you to report because they are scared of him, you need to show them you're not scared and you will help protect them. What next your dd gets a punch in the face when he gets angry and your ds isn't there to take it out on?

Seek advice - he's not going to get any nicer

You really need to talk to your son about this. He needs to realise that this is not acceptable no matter how much your ex apologised and brings gifts. Make him realise that this is a pattern of his abuse and he should be aware of this.

I had a really long chat with both DS and DD and DS does not want me to report it. He has assured me he won’t see his dad if he thinks he has been drinking. I’m not happy with this but I have to respect his decision, he is 19 and he’s made it clear he wouldn’t be happy with me taking other action. He said he likes his dad, nothing like this has ever happened before and he’s not daft enough to put up with it if it happens again. DD who doesn’t like her dad said she won’t be seeing him. It’s so hard seeing how DS is so brainwashed by his dad and being powerless to help him see sense.