Sons and bedrooms!

[Guardsman18]

I think I know what I need to do but would like some objective opinions if any one can help.

I am a lone parent and have been for 10 plus years. Ex bought a house very near mine, so the boys were back and forth. This suited us - whether people feel it was wrong, confusing - it's done now.

Eldest son was given the bigger room, youngest the box room. Eldest son is now 20, youngest 16.

DS20 (that's easier than eldest etc!) has always spent a lot of time at his dad's house. Although we have a very close relationship, they share a hobby, political interests etc. I have posted previously that I wasn't comfortable with their relationship and the general consensus was that I should just ensure that I was there for him. I have done this. All good. He's becoming a lovely young man.

Back to the bedrooms. (Sorry this is longer than I meant it to be!) I feel that as he s here so little - he goes to work, maybe will stay one night a week, comes over to see me every day to pick something up from his room, sometimes takes the dog out. Just normal stuff - that DS16 should have the bigger room now and DS20 the small room.

I have broached it before but he said no and I sort of agreed with him because he stayed here a lot then. His room just seems to be a big storage cupboard now! I just can't shake the feeling that I'll be pushing him further to his dad and away from me but this isn't fair to DS16 is it?

I intend to speak to him about it but don't want him to feel shut out. He would of course still have the small room here. Do I just tell him he has no choice and that is what is happening?

I know I sound a bit of a drip and apologies for the length of post.

Do I just tell him he has no choice and that is what is happening?

Yes. It’s your house. He barely lives there, he’s 20 and it’s not his decision.

Thank you for your reply. Anyone else - just to be sure?1

I agree that the 16 year old should have the bigger room. If it's literally one night a week it makes complete sense for the oldest to have the smaller one.

I agree that DS20 should swap rooms if he lives 90% of time with his dad now.

Sometimes it's two nights, sometimes three but lately it's been just the one. It'll be none soon but I guess that's the way it is.

If he does only stay one night a week then yes he should swap bedrooms. He would still have a bed to call his own for the night.

Ok. Thanks. Would anyone's opinion change if it was more than one night?

No. His primary home is elsewhere. DS2’d primary home is with you.

You seem nervous of making the switch. What do you think DS1 will do?

I agree. In your situation, the child with you the most should have the bigger rooms. Bear in mind families who don't live between houses will sometimes swap bedrooms for fairness so it's not always the oldest child getting the bigger room.

I am nervous Anne. He has just come here for a shower as he's going out tonight then coming back.

It didn't go well - he's shouting at me that if I 'kick him out of his bedroom' he'll leave then. It's all too aggressive for me tbh. A part of me is very upset but I have had years of him being like this when he doesn't agree with me. (Like his dad!)

I don't want to lose him to ex but I suppose I'll have to

It's all so wrong. I have maintained our home better than ex. I'm just feeling used but how can your child make you feel like that?

I think that's where my guilt lies. They've been brought up coming and going between two homes - something we did as parents - so there is no primary home.

I have 2 step children and they obviously lived between two homes. It can't be helped when you have a break up. Sadly I think the accompanying guilt is hard and it's easy to try and ease that feeling by doing as much as you can to make them feel welcome when they are with you.
It's obvious that changing the bedroom arrangements are going to cause you some grief. What does your younger son think about this? Does he want the bigger room?