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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

DS1 depressed

21 replies

Jungfraujoch · 19/11/2020 20:09

He’s just turned 20, finished college in the summer but can’t get a job. We had a bit of a heart to heart earlier, both crying.

Job market is getting him down, finding it hard to motivate himself to get up at a reasonable time each day. He’s working on a little startup business but losing interest in that too. He says he feels depressed a lot of the time. I e suggested he calls the GP tomorrow for a chat.

What else can I do? He says he just wants to be left alone which breaks my heart.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 19/11/2020 22:54

Could he at least get a part time job? What was his field at college?

Motnight · 19/11/2020 22:56

Get him to have a look at The Princes Trust website, Op. They help young people get into work.

Good luck to him, this is an awful time to be a young person looking for work.

Original poster

Jungfraujoch · 19/11/2020 23:14

He’s looking for part time/full time, anything but just not getting anywhere. He worked for a year as an emergency helpline operator but stopped to concentrate on his studies. He did Media at college.

He’s always lacked self confidence and now it’s just at an all time low I think.

I’ll get him to look at the Princes Trust - thank you.

OP posts:

steppingcarefully · 19/11/2020 23:32

My DS is a bit older at 26 and has depression. It all started around this time last year. He lives alone and has a job (now wfh which he has been since March). He has wanted to spend time alone which like you broke my heart and in the beginning all I wanted to do was wave a magic wand and make him better. I have learnt over the last few months that there is no quick fix and everything has to be at his pace. It’s great that he is able to talk to you, I have always been so grateful that my son talks to me. This is the only way I can support him, by listening and making sure he knows we are here for him whenever he needs us. He is learning to manage his mental health, he doesn’t always do what I think is the best for him but as he has said before it is down to him how he deals with it and I have to trust he is doing what is right for him at each step of the way. My heart goes out to you and your ds, I hope he can find the support he needs and for you I hope you also have support, friends to talk to, to help you through this too.

Original poster

Jungfraujoch · 20/11/2020 13:50

Stepping carefully - thank you. Your post so resonant with me. I wish you and your son well too. Xx

OP posts:

Cleebope2 · 20/11/2020 20:42

It’s so isolating for this age group at the minute, especially the shy ones. All studying and workiñg and socialising being done on screens in bedrooms. You sound like a fabulous mum. I really hope he can see some light at the end of this tunnel. My student son 22 is also feeling low about life but I just try my best to get him out somewhere every day and he does share a house with a few others during the week which helps. We can’t do it for them can we? They have to find their own motivation.

Original poster

Jungfraujoch · 15/12/2020 14:13

Hello - well nothings really changed. We had a chat yesterday and he’s just got no motivation to do much at all. Still applying for jobs but getting nowhere. I’ve suggested volunteering somewhere but he’s not keen. Ive tried to make him see that a big gap on his CV since leaving college is not going to help him, particularly in the current job market. He says he knows that but it doesn’t spur him into action! He’s naturally quite introverted and by his own admission doesn’t like talking about stuff - so won’t go to GP or a counsellor. Do I just step back and let him work it out for himself? How long do I give him? I just hate seeing him like this and not being able to to help him.

OP posts:

Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails · 15/12/2020 14:14

Could he get some shifts doing call handling?

Original poster

Jungfraujoch · 15/12/2020 14:27

@Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails

Could he get some shifts doing call handling?

In what field?

OP posts:

steppingcarefully · 15/12/2020 14:29

It's a tough time for anyone looking for work at the moment but for someone in your son's position even harder. It's so hard to strike a balance between encouraging and nagging (or what they perceive as nagging). I can only advise you be patient and allow him time to come to his own decisions whilst gently drip feeding advice. Good luck to you and your son.

Original poster

Jungfraujoch · 15/12/2020 14:32

@steppingcarefully

Yes, that’s what I try to do most of the time but he sees it as nagging! Hey ho, at least I’m not alone.

OP posts:

steppingcarefully · 15/12/2020 14:49

It's so hard seeing them like this and you are not alone, so many young people suffering but I'm sure not all of them have the love and support they deserve. It will get easier, hold on in there.

whereisthejoy · 22/12/2020 19:53

My heart goes out to you and your son OP. My advice would be similar to what you've said anyway, and hopefully what he knows already - that you're there for him. Try to keep that line of communication open - GP would be great but sounds like he needs to take things at his own pace.

Volunteering would be an excellent one, good to have suggested that. It changed my life (and my MH)

shadypines · 12/01/2021 13:48

You are not alone OP, I have a very unmotivated 21yr old DS. Very sorry to hear of your worries. Hand hold together while we get through this, we will get through this . There's great support on this thread, this is what MN should be about.

You sound like you are doing the right things to me as it's all the things I've tried but am bumping this thread for any more suggestions. I think the main thing is to keep channels of communication and support open and listen to them when they feel like talking (esp if, in the case of my son, he naturally doesn't say much!).

OnlyTeaForMe · 12/01/2021 13:52

If he's not able to get a job, would he be willing to take some online courses to keep brushing up on his skills/ show that he's kept busy during lockdown?
There are various free options - especially for young people - look at FutureLearn and LinkedIn as well as a government site for various digital skills.

PinkPlantCase · 12/01/2021 13:58

I agree that volunteering would be a good shout if the job market continues to be difficult. It would at least give him a reason to get out and about and build connections with other people.

Sorry you’re going through this aswell OP. Chatting to GP was a good ideas. Would you be able to afford some counselling for him? If he’d be happy to go. I imagine the NHS wait times at the minute are probably quite long.

sandgrown · 12/01/2021 14:07

Has your son signed on and been allocated a work coach ? The government are recruiting another 13,000 to get people into work . They may come up with places he has not thought of. Has he registered with an agency for temporary work? Re the depression he needs to get out and exercise as this will help ( DP had depression)

Stirmecrazy · 12/01/2021 14:21

I also have an adult son of 22 years old who was very lost last year In the case of my son he needed more direction . We set up a little job club every Wednesday where we looked at job ideas together and I helped him apply or helped him set objectives It was great for him with the structure and helped him break the inertia and two months later he had a job (and me off his back).
If jobs is too sensitive an area what about doing a shared goal like a virtual 5km/10km run or something similar just to break the inertia

Regularsizedrudy · 12/01/2021 14:26

I really wouldn’t worry about a gap on his cv, it is expected at his age and employers won’t bat an eyelid and bringing this up to him might just make him feel under pressure and he’ll freeze up even more. I would just reassure him that what he’s going through is a normal reaction to what’s going on in the world right now, it’s a really scary unpredictable time for young people. Volunteering is a good shout but of course even that is limited at the moment with COVID.

shadypines · 12/01/2021 14:27

Excellent post Stirmecrazy.

inchoccyheaven · 12/01/2021 15:19

You could have a look at calm website and blurt foundation for free resources that might be useful to both of you.

It is difficult and frustrating for you both and takes support and patience to get through on a daily basis. Until he is ready to talk to Gp or organisation there isn't a huge amount more you can do apart from just be there for him.

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