Adult child looking for advice- relationship with mother

[Unrespectedadultchild]

Hi all I’m 22 and looking for some advice from parents about my situation with my mum. I think we’re reaching a breaking point where I’ll just have to cut off contact if nothing changes and I don’t really want that.

For context of the situation- my parents are getting a divorce, my dad initiated it about a year ago following him cheating and using prostitutes after years of unhappy marriage (in the last 12 years I never saw my parents kiss hug touch etc at all). My father was the main breadwinner while my mum earns about £1100 a month which was always ‘fun money’.

Since my dad left my mum hates him more than ever before she used to log into his Facebook to read the messages I sent him and would tell me I should hate him for everything he’s done and if she were me she would never talk to him again, she likes to tell me often all the awful things he’s done some which are true (cheating) some which I don’t think are (drug use). The main theme being that he has ruined all our lives and I should hate him as he is a disgusting human being who’s left us for ruin.

I know this is not true as he still pays most bills and mortgage as my mums wage would not cover these and my dad would never see me and my sister on the street.

I obviously understand why she is hurt and don’t condone my dads behaviour at all but since she left she constantly lies to me about what he’s done such as stopped paying the mortgage (untrue) the fact she has no money, I’ve seen her bank account this is also untrue and the things he’s doing day to day.

I can’t help but feel my mother is very entitled in this situation saying that she doesn’t deserve this other people do and what has she done to have children who hate her so much, as she is with most things, for example she’s currently supposed to be self isolating as a child she teaches has been diagnosed with coronavirus but she ignored the rules and went to get her hair done yesterday, this is normal behaviour for her because she ‘has had a hard year and doesn’t deserve the treatment she gets’
Last night I got into an almighty row with her about it after I did a poor job of the supermarket shopping, it decacended once again into her telling me if I had a better option to live elsewhere then go which I found very hurtful as she knows I don’t get to see my dad for fear of the backlash from her, we’ve now had a huge row and I don’t know how to show her that all she’s doing by trying to make me pick Is pushing me away. I wish I could live with my dad one week and my mum the next like most kids get to.

Today my mum told me she won’t ever respect the fact that I love my father because she hates him so much and so should I
She told me she doesn’t want me to love her if I also love him
She says she might as well throw herself in the river as her life is so bad, I know this is manipulative.

I can’t bear to be around her manipulative personality constantly out to hurt me and stop me seeing my dad, I understand he’s not perfect either but surely I should still be allowed a relationship with him? He wants to see me more than anything.

My sister (19) refuses to speak to my dad and yesterday got involved in the argument saying she goes out of her way to try and make our mum happy by buying things and living home at university this year, we all walk on eggshells and I wish I could afford to move out.

I wish my mother loved me more than she hates my father

I wish I could have a relationship with both of them but I don’t think this will ever be possible.

Is there a relative of your mum’s that she would listen to, that could talk to her for you ?
She should not be getting between you and your father, but perhaps you can see from her side the shame she may feel that her husband was using prostitutes ?
Where are you going to live when they separate, do you have a choice ?
Can you afford to move out ?

Hi, I have had this most of my life, I'm 36 now, I stuck with the in betweening because I wanted to see my Dad and I didn't want to not see my mum. Both my brother and sister have taken it to heart and at dont see either parent any more.

I think you need to find a way to move out, this is mostly about her insecurity and control, she will never be the mother you want her to be, so if you want any sort of relationship with her you need to do it on your own terms. I found quietly and calmly telling her that me seeing people she hated (at times it was my grandparents and at times my Dad or her brothers) doesn't mean I love her any less, that she brought me up to be forgiving and kind and that's how I intend to live my life.

She's better now, and since I've had my own children we've built something resembling a relationship, I know Mumsnet tend to go for NC if someone is toxic, and I see why, but there is a way through it without cutting people off.

Cutting people off always affects you in some way, in my opinion- it is better to be self sufficient, have really clear boundaries with her and don't get dragged into it.

It's a a bit shit though, I feel for you.

My mum has no remaining family, she was an only child, this is another point of unfairness in her life.

I totally get why she feels the way she does about my dad, although she constantly talks about how everyone is talking about her following this event when in reality no one cares about her marriage, their marriage has not been a happy one for as long as I remember.

As it remains I’m going to have to live with my mum, if I said i wanted to live with my dad she would kick me out and not speak to me she has said as much, I wish I could afford to move out but I’m paying off my uni fees which I was unable to get student loans for, I won’t have paid this off until the end of 2022 when I would then be able to afford to move out.

Thanks LanguageasaFlower I’ve tried repeatedly to tell my mum calmly that seeing my dad and his family doesn’t mean I’ve picked him over her but she doesn’t see it like this, she sees it as me ignoring him being vile and pathetic and burying my head in the sand, I’m not even able to go between for fear of the backlash if she found out, thanks for replying

I’m assuming that your mum is around the menopause age, so I wonder if some of her behaviour is related to that ? Perhaps you could educate yourself on the symptoms and see if she fits.
You say that no one cares about her marriage but I think I would feel ashamed and embarrassed if my DH used prostitutes, and that people were talking about me. She will always be the woman who’s hubby was driven to pay for sex. If she was still having sex with your dad she will have had to get tested for STI’s.
I think you need to try and see some of it from her side, and remember that she is a different generation from you.
I’m not siding with her in any way, she sounds like a nightmare who needs a good slap, but you must see it from both sides.
Just keep planning to move out and remember that this won’t be your life forever, but this is her life forever.

OP people who don't have family like this will not be able to give you good advice. Other people will never understand the realities of living with people like this.

My mother is exactly the same and we have been no contact for 7 years now. That hasn't given me the release and peace and freedom that I'd hoped because you live in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). But I do think it's given me a better life than the alternative.

What was she like when you were younger? Does she have friends?

There's an ongoing support thread on mumsnet called But I took you to Stately Homes. It's full of people who will understand and be able to advise you.

We need to see our parents as human beings not just as mothers and fathers. How do you feel when you are betrayed? Angry? It is a normal human reaction that your mum is working through.

And why are these threads always, ALWAYS daughters and mums? Why are we so intolerant of each other?

What was your mum like, your relationship like before all this?

My mum has always been very standoffish, she loves me very much I always thought but was always hurt very easily and I often get like I was walking on eggshells and it was only a matter of time before I set her off, once when I was about 6 I pretended to walk like a penguin, she took this as a personal insult that I was making fun of the way she walks as she has a foot condition.

She would always use silent treatment as her punishment of choice when I did something she didn’t like such as moving away for university.

I understand that my mum is angry but why should that affect my relationship with my dad.

Before they divorced I would always hear from both of them how much they hated each other, they were married in name only and they would constantly tell me they couldn’t wait to be apart and were only together for my sister and I

But some people have a relationship where they can’t seem to stand the sight of each other, yet they want to stay together.
There are many different types of relationships and they work for different people, you will find this as you get older and see more couples.
Perhaps she thought she would have financial security and companionship for life, that she would inherit the whole house and his pension, but now that’s being taken away. He could get married again and that reduces your inheritance.
You have every right to see your father but I can see why she would want you to cut him off too, to punish him. Not that it’s right.
The fact is that you are still young and a ‘child’ to your parents, you might see your mum’s point of view differently when you are older with a husband and children to support.
Just continue to tell her calmly that you will still continue to see your father and that it doesn’t mean you love her less, you love them both.
Your mother won’t change so make plans to become independent.
Has your dad offered you a home with him ?

Sorry but your mum has been cheated on by a man she loved with prostitutes she needs sympathy
The marriage was bad as your dad treated her bad

I’d say hi live with your dad or on your own your an adult women at your age I was married and owned my own flat

Then have some sympathy to your mom she still outing a roof over your head and there for you your dads gone off and left you too it
Remember if he was such a great father he wouldn’t of kept using money for sex