Dreaming of moving away from adult kids?

[Ritascornershop]

I feel terrible about this, but my kids are wearing me out and I dream about moving away, not far, two hours tops.

They are 20 and 25. The 25 year old is married, employed, pregnant with her first and after an exceedingly difficult teenage hood is somewhat settled. She has a bad habit of lying about things though, so I never know what to believe with her and it’s exhausting me. She catastrophises in her head then tells me the worst case scenario as if it’s fact, so I get stressed then slowly it becomes apparent it was only 1/4 as bad she said.

My younger one is in first year university. He’s a lovely guy, helpful and polite and honest and working hard at university, has a nice girlfriend. He lives with me. He has never handled stress well and when in his last year at school got very depressed and plummets back down there from time to time. He’s finding distanced Ed university difficult (& not worth the money) & is feeling like he’s not got close friends. Periodically he’ll have a best friend and then it sort of fades out, I’m not sure why (I always had friends so haven’t been able to be much help to my kids in their search for a tribe). Having said that, he’s actually got loads of friends, they just live in different cities, some in other countries.

I’m just finding their emotional load is too much after spending most of their lives raising them on my own. They are technically adults and though I’d miss them the idea of not worrying about them daily sounds quite nice. The younger one did a gap year and I sort of worried, but mostly assumed he was fine.

Am I terrible? Should I move away in a couple of years? I’m feeling old and very tired from work and would like to come home and put my feet up and relax.

Also find yourself some hobbies where you are uncontactable for a few hours at a time. I went for scuba diving the phone doesn’t work underwater.

Mn mentions the mental load of a relationship a lot when it comes to partners pulling their weight practically around the house, but the emotional load is a lot harder.

One of mine has never left home due to mental health and the other 2 keep drifting back. I genuinely can't imagine a time when they will be able to manage on their own. I blame myself for this - it is me that has made them so needy and unable to manage their own lives. Looking back I think I should have been less accomodating

You're being too hard on yourself. Maybe you could have done some things differently (like every parent) but it's not you, it's the whole of society. We have disempowered and infantilised young people. We pathologise normal experiences like normal anxiety (NB I am NOT talking about anxiety as part of mental illness, I'm talking about the anxiety we all feel at times), and make them feel there is something wrong with them, instead of giving them coping mechanisms. We haven't taught them to manage their emotional needs.

I'm not saying everything was perfect in the past. Mental illness was neglected and stigmatised. But we need to find a middle way between that and what we have got at the moment.

I think the move sounds like a great idea. And the children is just one aspect of that. Do you put boundaries in place such as ‘I can’t be contacted during so and so hours as I’ll be busy’. What’s your support network? Do you always answer the phone? It does sound exhausting. When covid is settled you should book a holiday in a cottage with no signal. Bliss!

@yearinyearout

YANBU to want to stop worrying about them, but unfortunately living far away won't help!

If you find the magic cure to worrying about adult dc please let me know as it's an affliction I suffer from. Mine are similar ages to yours and I just find I'm emotionally okay if they are fine, but I really struggle if either of them are having a tough time and feel unable to detach myself, I get very anxious.

I've often thought that of all the stuff I worry about, none of it is "my stuff". I worry about DH because of his work stress (I can't do anything about that) worry about my parents health (or that) eldest dc being unable to find a house to buy (or that) youngest dc and his next steps after uni (or that!) so I've worked out that probably 90% of the stuff I stress about it totally pointless, and I'd be a lot more help to people if I didn't worry about things I can't control.

But you have the important strength that you’re aware of this and recognise you’d be more ‘help’ (as well as happier) if you didn’t worry so much about your children’s problems, @yearinyearout. In our family, my mother will be awake at 3 am worrying about minor issues to do with her (perfectly fine, solvent, functional) 40something children, which means that none of us now tell her anything, because it really doesn’t help to keep being told someone was awake all night worrying about your problem.

You need to take the bull by the horns and tell them both exactly what you've said here.
What's the point in continuing in this way?
why can't you be true to yourself?
you need to be open emotionally and very calmly and gently explain to your daughter or ask your daughter .....why do you think that happened? I want to talk to you about ABC. (Ie the fact you are a drama llama, lie, over exaggerate, and how stressful I find this) .

Similar with your son.

I come from a very open emotionally family and we have always discussed how we feel.

Baby gave you brilliant advice.
I was shocked at your response:
"It may be a good idea, but I’d find it tough."

I'm sorry. But how can you see that as tough? Or rather it is yes. But that what constitutes good parenting. Tough. But it's the first step. Of being honest. I'm telling daddy how are you feel but in a very gentle way. How can you possibly see that ad not a good step?

Versus selling, moving to a smaller house. Or abandoning them altogether?

Come on !

I can see both sides of this. My DDs are late teens, one at uni who I don’t worry about particularly. She’s level headed and very sorted. One at home who is emotionally up and down. They were both raised the same, just different personalities.

Interesting what other posters have said about resilience etc in the young. We do seem to be much more involved than our parents were. Having said that, whenever I spend time with a friend of mine I’m astounded at the amount of
contact she has with her DD at uni .... texting, FT, phone calls. I messaged my DD to tell her I didn’t think I was in touch enough with one text a day or one FT a week .... she said the other mum sounded suffocating and she knows where we are when she needs us 🤷🏼‍♀️

I get why you want ro run away from your adult childrens extended adolescence and the fact parenting goes on relentlessly, but i dont think it will make them leave you alone. I think maybe you need to gradually stop being so available. Maybe you could benefit from some therapy yourself x