Should I be my son's best friend

[justgivein]

I worry about my 17 year old son who suffers from social anxiety and has no friends.I try to encourage him to go places but apart from school he will only go out with family,not even to the corner shop.I am his best friend I think as well as his father but I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, delaying his ability to make friends of his own age .He won't go to therapy which we have suggested and gets very emotional and tearful when talking about his lonliness although he's never mentioned that word.I play computer race games with him and take him out when I can,bike riding ,gym and shopping but he hates this doesn't really care about fashion.I'm taking him to play golf next year,but again it's only with me.My wife has alot on her plate with work and other kids that all have their needs and problems, they both have friends all the way through school and beyond.He doesn't drink or smoke is very tidy and frighteningly observant about things being not correct around the house like bread running out ,not enough clean towels etc.I was similar to him a bit of a loner too but used alcohol to get through my early years with the occasional friend from work later on. Then I met my wife who is now my best friend.I hate the fact that he's going through the pain I experienced.Am I doing the right thing hoping he'll make friends at uni then work or should I be tougher with him which is difficult because I'm not capable of that.Anyone that has gone through this with their kid or any advice from Mums or Dads or anyone would be great. Thank you.

I don't think tougher is the answer. That said, I don't know what the answer is. I have a teenage son. I see my job as encouraging him to: be who he is; to make good choices and to give him the tools he needs to live a full and independent life.

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to try some kind of volunteer work together, something where he might meet people and learn about conversation and maybe a skill. Or a sport? I don't know. He sounds like a great lad. His time should come?

Hi OP, you sound like a very caring parent. I’m no expert but I think it would be good to try to build his confidence and not put too much pressure on him to make friends. Some people are more comfortable being alone whilst others just take more time to develop friendships and learn how to make them. We all develop at different rates and struggle with different things. If he can develop himself a bit, whether that’s through work or hobbies etc, it will be beneficial.

I think I’d try to encourage him to like himself, tell him what you appreciate about him, support him, and hopefully he will start being happier.

Wishing you all the best.

Is there anything locally you might both enjoy? Near me, for instance, is a model railway club with the sort of small engine/train you ride round on. The club has a field that they've landscaped and are open to the public some weekends. Some (all?) members make their own trains.

It seems to me that he could do with seeing you model how to 'be' with other people and how to make friends, too?

Good luck. It's difficult seeing your child unhappy.

Thanks so much for these supportive messages have definitely given me some ideas.I know might sound crazy but I worry because maybe he sees me coping with no real friends accept my broth in law because of my problem with social anxiety.That this is part of how he handles his lonliness.I did alot of car boots with him where he seemed ok with dealing with the public but I can't drive until next year because of epilepsy diagnosis so this limits the stuff we can do.But I'll certainly keep encouraging him and as you say let him develop at his own rate and not stress so much about him .Thanks for great advice.

Thanks Omega I will certainly make more effort to find out what he's really interested in apart from computer games and hopefully find something local.It's about time I sorted myself out too and hopefully this will help him after he's finished with his mocks.

What about a part time job?

My DD was v similar and a weekend job was absolutely the making of her.

She has now headed off to uni as a confident young woman.

My son has ASD, I'm incredibly sociable and he is a loner. I have had to learn not to project my own feelings onto his situation: just because I would be really unhappy if I had no friends doesn't mean my son feels the same way. He likes his own company. And he likes your company too - that's a bonus! You're clearly a lovely, supportive dad.

I think finding some sort of activity or group that you would both enjoy (maybe that's going to have to wait till Covid calms down) is a brilliant idea - it does take a village and hanging out with some other people might be something you both enjoy. But don't fret.

As an aside - lots and lots of women say their mum is their best friend and no-one bats an eyelid about that...

Thanks we've tried the job route but can't get him to apply.I've got to make his tea now but feel much more confident about his future Avice and Connie this is a great website for help don't you think cheers

Apologise Lonny

Not at all - that reads back as snarky, I just mean it's lovely to see a dad and lad relationship that's close and loving! It's a good thing