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Parents of adult children

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Adult Son moving out

4 replies

FredBear9 · 29/09/2020 16:21

I'm 51 and have 3 adult kids still living at home, a Son age 25 and 2 Daughters aged 22 and 20. I split with their Dad 18 years ago and have been a single parent for over 10 years. I love all my kids, but have always had a close bond with my Son. Our relationship has deteriorated a bit over the last 4 years as he has been with a girl who he dumped his previous girlfriend for. Long story short, I poked my nose in, and haven't had anything to do with his new girlfriend in all this time. They broke up 3 times in the first 2 years and she treated him like dirt. My Son and I have still got on, but he's lived a virtual double life, keeping his life with her separate to his life at home. He's told me today that they are moving into a house together this week, and I am devastated. They've been hoping to do it for some time and it's not because of anything at home, he just feels it's time. I bitterly regret how things have been the past 4 years, I only ever wanted what's best for him, and it hurt me how his girlfriend used to treat him. I don't know how he's going to manage financially, as he's only started working again after losing his previous job during lockdown. He has no savings, and owes me a substantial amount of money he borrowed to learn to drive and buy his first car. I barely see him as it is, as he is either at work, with her, or up in his room, but I know I am rarely going to see him once he leaves. I doubt I will be invited to see his house, or asked for help, or to visit, and I can't say I blame them really. This is not how I wanted things to turn out. I always assumed I'd be there to help when my kids moved out, to help decorate, buy furniture etc, but this girl will not want me involved. She has manipulated things from the start, when she made a play for him, knowing full well he was in a relationship, down to driving a wedge between me and him. I'm just gutted I'm losing him and can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysstillhere · 29/09/2020 16:25

I was in a similar place last year op. Ds did indeed find the strength to leave what was an abusive relationship...
We are as close as ever now.
I never faltered in my open dislike for her. It was mutual as she wanted ds away from his family. She failed.
Don't give up on him. Living together will he a whole lot of different. He won't be able to lean on The Bank Of Dm will he?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2020 16:30

She has manipulated things from the start, when she made a play for him, knowing full well he was in a relationship...

Your son is an innocent in all this? He was the one who cheated and dumped his ex, no one made him do that. That's all on him.

When you say "poked your nose in", what exactly did you do or say?

FredBear9 · 29/09/2020 16:48

@Aquamarine1029

She has manipulated things from the start, when she made a play for him, knowing full well he was in a relationship...

Your son is an innocent in all this? He was the one who cheated and dumped his ex, no one made him do that. That's all on him.

When you say "poked your nose in", what exactly did you do or say?

No, obviously he's not innocent, I didn't say he was.
OP posts:
corythatwas · 30/09/2020 08:26

I always assumed I'd be there to help when my kids moved out, to help decorate, buy furniture etc, but this girl will not want me involved.

He is a 25yo adult: why on earth would he not want to decorate and choose the furniture for his own house?

You seem to think it odd that a 25yo would want an independent life from his mother and would want to share it with his girlfriend instead.

I admit your son comes across badly in many ways: cheating on his previous girlfriend, owing you money.

But that is all the more reason why he needs to start behaving like an adult, have his own life, accept responsibility.

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