Some help please? - 24 year old dealing drugs

[Lareymary]

Hello just wondered if anyone could help me think straight about what to do...ds (24) moved out last year after arguments about my suspicions regarding him drug dealing. He’s never admitted it, but never denied it. I posted about it on here at the time. This has since been confirmed to be by my sister, who he told.
He returned home for a couple of months before the lockdown after moving in with gf and when that broke up, moved into a flat with a friend. I don’t know where he lives, and he won’t give me his address.
He’s very up and down mentally, but refuses to seek help as he doesn’t think he has a problem, although admits he is very down. He can’t seem to get over a girl that he met a few years ago (she lives in the US, they had plans for him to live there but she dumped him and is now engaged to someone else) and this wrecked the latest relationship he was in. While he was with the girl from the US, he started to study for qualifications so he could get into uni and hopefully qualify as a surveyor. When she finished with him, he met someone else, seemed happy enough but when he found out the girl from US got engaged he went completely off the rails, and I think this ultimately has contributed to him getting into this mess. He seems to think quick easy money is what it’s all about. He seems to think if he’s rich - he will go over there with all his money and they will get back together.
The latest row (this evening) was when he dropped into see his little brother. He rarely comes to visit now, and when he does a text about his next delivery usually cuts the visit short. Having not seen him for two weeks, I asked him why he hadn’t been in contact, I got the usual ‘been busy’ and ‘if you are going to question me I’m off, bye’.
I sent him a text to ask please sort himself out and come and see his brother for his birthday next weekend and got a reply of ‘F**k off’
I’m at a loss. When he’s horrible to me it’s like a gut punch, but I don’t want to abandon him as I know he’s desperately unhappy and mixed up in something horrible. I’m really just waiting for the knock on the door to tell me he’s been arrested, or he’s been hurt. Or worse. It’s playing havoc with my mental health to have him abuse me like this, but the guilt if anything happened to him if I didn’t try and help is worse.
Any advice I would truly appreciate. Thank you.

Oh dear I’ve read your post a few times looking for something positive but I’m not sure there is. Well actually you say he admits to feeling down so maybe that’s a starting point, have a face to face chat and ask him if he’s happy with how his life is going?

He sounds quite emotionally immature, pinning his happiness on someone else and ruining his next relationship by looking back on the failed one.

I think I’d have a serious chat with him about how he sees his life playing out and how you want to support him but that you have limits. You don’t mention his father is he around? I think you have some tough decisions headed your way OP

Thank you for your reply. I’ve tried to talk many times over the last year or so to try and make him see how whatever he is mixed up with isn’t going to end well, how much it hurts me - but this makes no difference. It’s like he cannot be reasoned with and just gets aggressive if I try to push it further.
I haven’t had the best of relationships with his dad, we split up when my son was 2 - but we shared custody and they have a good relationship. I always tried to keep on good terms for my sons sake and we did more or less, but I stopped talking to his dad when my son was 18, mainly because of my ex’s paranoia (for example wanting a DNA test done because he was convinced my son was a family friends and not his). However this latest episode has prompted me to contact him to try and see if we can both help our son.
I think I see a chink when he texts and says he doesn’t feel great, but then when I try to discuss it he clams up and I’m back to square one.
He’s slowly cutting contact with all of his family, my parents who he was close to he all but ignores their calls, never contacts his little brother (who is 14) and I haven’t a clue who is in his circle of friends now. I’m just at a loss at what to do.

I think I kind of understand how he feels, he knows he needs help but he really cares what you think of him and doesn't want you to think he is a terrible person who has made an awful mess of his life. By staying away he can bury that feeling and pretend to himself everything is fine. If you try to talk to him about it he is forced to confront his life choices and feel judged and can't just not think about it.

Would he be willing to see a counsellor? Perhaps you and your ex can pay for it together, and you could make an agreement with him that you'll never ask him about anything in his life (but will talk if he brings it up - and he can have a safe word when he no longer feels comfortable and wants an immediate change of subject). You're willing to be a pleasant place to hang out, no questions will be asked, you'll make dinner and watch movies with him, discuss politics, whatever it is you guys used to do as a family that you enjoyed.

That way you know he is being supported and can be helped to find strategies to improve his situation but can still have a relationship with him. And the relationship will hopefully be a nice strong backing for him so it will be easier to make tough choices to improve his life, rather than if he was all alone to deal with it.

Hope that makes sense

TigerQuoll, thank you so much. What you have said makes perfect sense.
He’s never been responsive to the suggestion of counselling (he suffered quite badly with anxiety a few years ago and we started the ball rolling with our GP but my son never followed up). He’s sort of in the frame of mind that if you need treatment for your mental health you are a bit of a ‘loser’. It’s been difficult for me as I’m a great believer in counselling, having had plenty myself over the years - so trying to convince him to try it was fighting a losing battle. I know it would help him so much.

He is (hopefully) meeting with his Dad tomorrow to go to a family do The positive thing to come out of this is that we are talking properly about our son for the first time in years. His dad is going to try and have a proper talk with him (although he’s had the same conversations with him as I’ve had) to try and see if he can help him out of this mess.

I’m just so exhausted from it.

Just posting this as really can’t talk to anyone else...plus feel very foolish. An update - DS got in touch a week ago and asked for help. Wanted to get out and get away from it all. I agreed to help him, as long as it was all over and done with. Made arrangements to go away for a few days next week and look into the possibility of him relocating to where we have a home. Pretty relieved and the night we had a good talk was the first night in over a year I have gone to bed not worrying and awake half the night. I was just so happy to have my boy back, the way he was before all this. It was so lovely to talk and laugh and watch tv together, something we haven’t done in years. He ate with us, researched jobs on the internet and I finally felt like this was the end of years of stress. Fast forward to this week, think he has gone back to old ways - we are being Covid tested and I’ve asked him to try and isolate and said that he could stay with us if he wanted until the test. I haven’t seen him since Sunday morning. I’ve text a few times and most have been ignored - apart from one which said ‘get off my case’.
I know he’s back doing dealing and there’s nothing I can do about that, I just feel like a complete mug for being taken in. I so wanted to believe the best in him and thought he had turned a corner. Just feel so sad about it.

That really sucks :-(
The story reminds me a little of the show Breaking Bad, but you seem a lot nicer and more caring than Jesse's parents and Jesse seems a lot nicer than your son.
I don't think there's anything you can do except be willing to take him in when and if he has another go at turning around. Any changes will have to come from within himself and be his own decision I think. You can just help to facilitate it when he does decide to (so he doesn't have to start from absolutely nothing & homelessness like Jesse had to).
Sounds super super tough for you

You weren't taken in. He meant it, he just wasn't strong enough to follow through. I suspect it will take him a few false starts to actually do it. If I were you, I'd just be very easygoing and supportive and wait for it to happen again. Don't question him, don't pressure him - he's very vulnerable and you want him knowing you're on his side.

@AuntyJack @UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername thank you for replies That’s really good advice. The mum in me wants to have a bit of a go but it would be counter-productive wouldn’t it? I think what you have both said, makes more sense. If I question him it will make him more defensive. I keep thinking if I can just get him away and put some distance between him and whatever is going on he might be able to think more clearly about it. As much as I want to wash my hands of it I can’t abandon him. We are due to go away on Monday - if that happens then I know there’s a chance he wants to and can come back from it.
As a parent you always want to believe the best in your kids and want them to be happy.
Thank you again, really appreciate your views on this. I feel like I’m wading through treacle.