Does anyone else have a friend who is smug as her adult kids still live at home?

[ssd]

Friend actively has always encouraged her kids not to move out. Told them what would I do with just your dad. Her marriage isn't brilliant. But solid enough.
Anyway friend is very smug grown kids are still at home. She tells me she just wants them to be happy but discourage them anytime they talk about moving out.
Money isn't an issue at all.
It just annoys me as she seems so smug.

I should add, mine have moved out.

Well that’s just odd.

What has she got to be smug about ?

My 23 and 21 yr olds are still at home.

I mean, I'm not a parent of adult children but how old are they? I suspect her smugness will dissipate when they eventually find partners and move out.

Does she think you're sad about your own kids moving out, is that why she's being so smug about her own being at home?

I have had my 2 at home during lockdown, both are leaving this month to go back to uni, I can’t wait. I fully expect them back, hopefully not because we are back on lockdown but during the holidays or at the end of their courses. However I will be encouraging them to move on if they find graduate jobs although if they are local to us they can stay at home in order to save.

Answer depends on whether they are in their early 20s or late 40s.

I don't understand why she'd be smug about it.

I've a 22 year old still at home (my youngest) but he's a student and prefers for various reasons to live at home. I'm not in the least bit smug about it, I'll be pushing him out of the nest soon enough

Both early 20s.
Household can be pretty fraught, her kids fight as much as anyone's. The eldest especially is ready to move out but mum keeps putting a spoke in the wheel.... 'what if xyz happened' etc

I can see why she wants them at home, it's company for her. But it's not doing them any favours. And like I said, money isn't an issue. So it's not that.

Reading the empty nest syndrome thread reminded me how hard it is for parents to gave grown up kids move out and move on. It's natural but can be really hard for the parents. But my friend is smug cos hers won't move on. Rather than encouraging them to go she's always encouraged them to stay.

Nothing wrong with early 20s still living at home. Mine both bounced back for a year after uni and it was lovely to have their adult company for a while.

It sounds as though she's kidding herself that her adult offspring don't want to leave her. Bit sad really and not OK to make them responsible for her emotional wellbeing.

Wouldn't you be more likely to be embarrassed with adult kids at home, as that would reflect poorly on your parenting that you couldn't raise your children into independent, mature adults that can take care of themselves?

Depends on lots of things.
You keep saying money isn’t an issue.
Do they live in a big house? If so, they might prefer living at home than renting amuchsmaller place.
I don’t think it matters. Lots of extended families live together.

Also OP... Why does it bother you so much?

It’s not what I did - or my DC but each to their own.

Yes I know someone like this. Sabotaged one of her DC going to university. Commiserated with people when their DC move out. Does whatever can to keep them all at home, all a bit strange.

Ordinarily that would be regressive but these days, covid, housing costs, crap zero hour and temp contracts, extortionate rentals and weirdo LLs it's quite understandable really.

Mmm. It’s nothing to be smug about. However, it can be hard to get a job good enough to save etc. for some. I have friends and family still living at home, I certainly don’t see that as a ‘good’ thing though, it’s more a product of a mixture of issues and different for each person.

Both my adult children still live at home with us. Honestly, I don't feel smug, I feel despair most days!

Odd thing to be smug about. I get that it must be very hard to see your kids move on, but moving onto the next phase life is not just necessarily, but healthy.

Obviously in this topsy turvy world, many adult children do have to bounce in and out of the childhood home, but that aside, encouraging kids to repress their natural quest for independence and adulthood is sad.

DB and I both moved out at 18 as we left home to go to University, and holidays aside, never lived at home again. DF always said anyone worth their salt leaves home at 18, and while that’s maybe a little extreme, being smug about stunting your kids, possibly somewhat against their wishes/wants - guilting them even - is ... odd.

I moved out of home early one my sister leaves, comes home then back again.

I have no thoughts either way if my son is at home as adult or not but I am not sure what is odder being smug whether they are home or not or thinking others are smug because their kids are at home? (or not)

DF always said anyone worth their salt leaves home at 18

Riiculous thing to say. My 2 are in their 30s, independent, earning more than me both of them. Both spent their 20s - early 20s in particular - yoyoing between student houses and home, then jobs and living at home. It was lovely having their company and great when they left. Ihope we provided a safety net for them so they could fly.

Both my sons are still at home, aged 24 and 28. I’ve enjoyed their company during lockdown and needed their support when my husband was in hospital. Where we live property is expensive and therefore a lot of adult children are still at home.

I'm smug because my 20 and 24 yr old sons get on well with us. DS2 is supposed to be away at Uni but Covid has confused things. DS1 works a 5min walk away- good job. So I'm smug because we are happy with each other and they are doing well.

DS2 will definitely leave in a couple of years, not sure about DS1, he'll have to decide whether to move with us and get a new job when we retire, or stay working where he is.

To be honest, I'll be smug while they are happy and busy whether that's in their own home with a new family, or still with us.

It will always be about what's best for them, though.

I think people acting smug about anything is annoying. I would just try and think that she’s happy with how her family is running and obviously you’re happy with yours.