Am I enabling my son

[enablist]

Name changed sorry
Ds2 (23) was living and working in London. Came home for lock down and furlough and made redundant 2 months ago. During this time he also split with his girlfriend of 3 years and a few weeks ago confessed to me he was really struggling mentally and had been for some time. You would never suspect this as he is very outgoing with lots of friends he is with regularly.
Because I love him and also am worried re his mental health , we have spent 1k in new furniture etc to make his studio ( think large room above garage ) suitable for staying longer term , Dh has been paying him an hourly rate , based on time sheets he submits , for helping him with his business.
Thing is he has not followed through on making counselling appointments, or making a gp appointment for stomach issues. He has done about a quarter of the hours he has submitted and I'm constantly asking dh ( tearing his hair out) to be nice and not say anything.
Basically he is sleeping, playing video games, reading reddit and smoking weed. He comes over for dinner and we see him for about an hour a day .
Tonight it came to a head because he had promised to drive dh to a work social thing an hour and a half away, dh was going to pay for him to go out for pizza etc then he would drive back , so he could have a drink.just as they were getting in the car ds announced that actually he was going to drive there , drive home then go back to collect dh later. Frankly this is a batshit idea as it was an outdoor event , it's pissing down and he might have only wanted to stay an hour or so, is he supposed to sit in the rain and wait an hour thirty for ds to arrive ? Dh just said don't worry I'll drive myself and left but I lost the plot. Not because he wasn't going to do it but because he was saying I was in the wrong for saying it wasn't going to work and he hadn't done anything wrong .
Then weirdly up on my Facebook pops an article by a 55 yr old woman worrying that she is enabling her 33 yr old son by paying all his bills etc as he cites mental health if she objects and I thought feck that's me!
I want to say, right that's it , I won't charge rent and I'll feed you but you need to sort yourself out but is that wrong ?

Personally I would start charging him rent.

Doesn't have to be market rate but he needs to contribute. Otherwise you are - in a way- stopping him from growing up and living as an adult.

Smoking weed isn't good idea if he has mental health issues. I would support my child but I would expect them to help themselves by arranging counselling.

He can afford weed but isn't buying his own food! Yes you're enabling him and if you carry on, he'll still be there in 20 years time.

It's difficult when they mention mental health, as you want to support your kid, but he's not helping himself by going to the GP or giving up weed.

Maybe set some timescales and boundaries.

Please don't tell me you're doing his washing too? ;)

It seems to me you are bending over backwards not to upset him, as you are quite rightly worried about his MH. On the other hand he doesn't seem grateful and appears to be doing nothing to address his MH issues. It's time for him to tell you what his plan is as regards work, home and health I think, otherwise you'll be tip toeing round him for the foreseeable future.

It's a difficult one isn't it?
My lad has just turned 23 and lives here much cheaper than if he had to rent somewhere commercially. His sister says he'll never move out if we spoil him. She's got a point, but OTOH, we are currently reeling as a friend of his has just taken his life. This is the 2nd young man from my dcs' wider circles of friends who has taken his life within the last year. It is mind numbingly awful. Just tragic.

I think I'd rather be taken advantage of as a slightly soft touch. From what you say, he isn't bothering you or upsetting the household much.

I wouldn't be paying him for work he's not doing though.
I personally would draw the line at him openly taking drugs, but I know people feel differently about that, than me.

Don't feel you have to charge rent but

(a) he is cheating by claiming for hours he hasn't worked, and you're asking your husband to "be nice" (wtf)

(b) he's smoking weed in your house (no bloody wonder he has mental health problems)

Hmmm there’s a lot going on there. First off could the stomach problems be mh related? If the two are linked then maybe that’s why he’s dodging i it.

I think you both need to sit him down and go through your non negotiables. For me it would be he needs to contribute, he needs to treat your DH as he would any employer and do the work, he needs to take care of his physical and mental health( he might need your support with that) and he needs to treat you with respect.

The drugs is entirely your call but I don’t know if I’d be happy with that.

Based on what you've said, yes, you are enabling him to become a lazy man-child. Charge rent (you don't need to keep it if you don't need it;save it up and give him it back as a house deposit when he moves out) and don't do any cooking/cleaning for him. The fact you've allowed him back and have spent money to make his room more comfortable shows how much you love him, but he is taking the piss I'm afraid. Make an action plan with a time line of when he needs to move out by. It's appalling that he has claimed for false hours he hasn't worked. He now needs to work these and not be paid for them to make it up.

I do sympathise but you’re going to have to redraw the balance between supporting him and enabling him. I would say provide bed and board but stop letting him take the piss with his working hours (and tell him that) so massively reduce his income, and set some other ultimatum based on his counselling and stomach appointments.

Most importantly, rehearse to yourselves (as a couple) his possible reactions and how you are going to react to those. He won’t like it so you’re going to need to be prepared for some anger/emotional blackmail/flouncing etc from him.

I know , you are all right
I have had the discussion re weed but he just quotes alternative sources that say it helps . Personally I know it’s contributing to the issues.
He promises to phone the counselling service , that I gave him the details of and offered to pay for, but there’s always an excuse as to why he hasn’t been able to do it, same for gp.
It’s so hard to describe him. He is smart, clean, well dressed and an absolute charmer with the ability to charm the birds out of the trees, he takes his grandmother out for lunch and she thinks the sun shines out of his bottom. But he will lie through his teeth and nothing is ever his fault.
He messaged me after I screamed at him , to say he was sorry if I had had a bad day and I should just have a think about my reaction in the morning as it was disproportionate!
I don’t do his washing but I do fold it up out of the dryer as I need to put mine in ;)

I’d make the appointments for him and take him there personally. You’ll be able to get a better handle of the real situation if you told him you were going to do that.

Glad about the washing!!

About the weed use, it's your house! If you and dh don't want him to smoke it in your property he has to find somewhere else to live. Your house, your rules.

As you say, it's not helping his mental health at all.

For me the weed use would be a deal breaker. Stealing off his dad, another deal breaker. He needs to pay that back.

Try setting some boundaries. And like a toddler, following them through with consequences. You're not helping him by enabling him.

Does he have siblings?

I've just dated (and ended) a relationship with a man who was your son 25 years ago.

Weed. It is evil, it will control his life and it will lead him to make really bad life choices.

It will never be his fault. He will be secretive, lie regularly and excellently, charm everyone he possibly can and yet slowly, his mental health, his self esteem will ebb away due to the paranoia caused by his 'non harmful' habit. He will be unmotivated and lazy and he will deflect in an abusive manner all of his emotional shortcomings. He has already perfected this hasn't he with the comment

I should just have a think about my reaction in the morning as it was disproportionate!

This is gaslighting. If he manages to have a girlfriend and a wife and a family, this abusiveness is his normal.

Do your own research of the destructive side of weed. Try to find some personal accounts of people who want to quit.
Counter his purported research of its not bad for you with your own oh yes it is son.

Personally, I'd throw him out because of his weed use but sadly that won't stop the weed use.

My situation is similar to yours. Like me you probably know what should be going on but how the hec do we get them to grow up.
My son doesn't do drugs but is addicted to playing games, he's 31.

I am thinking I need professional help as I don't know how to approach this. I'm scared of doing or saying the wrong thing that will make things worse or at lease not solve anything.

Probably the best I read here is to set some boundaries. I think start slow though.
The only other advice I'd give at this time is to take care of yourself. I do meditation to keep my self calm.

No weed on your property (assuming you own the studio you referred to). End of. Don't engage in the morals or health impacts of it. You don't want it on your property.

The work thing needs to stop. You've offered him love and support and he is defrauding you. Even worse, he's using your concerns about his mental health to force you into accepting it. It's unfair and it won't do him any good in the long run.

No weed in the house.
Calculate how many hours he has fraudulently claimed and make him have to work that number before he can get paid again. Minimum of X per week so DH can plan properly and not just whenever he feels like it.
Make appointments with the counsellor / GP and drive him there yourself - if he is going to act like a teenager you can treat him like one.

It's a difficult one isn't it?

Not really, no.

You either parent properly or you don't.