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Separated Mum living alone, do i still pay for food for my grown up children, please help!

21 replies

jlclark · 19/06/2020 03:02

Hi everyone, i am hoping for some advice please. My husband told me he wanted to divorce me in Nov 2017. We have been together since 1990 and married August 1994. We have 2 daughters, who are now 19 and nearly 22. I have many health problems, PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia, severe depression, very low thyroid, lymphedema and borderline personality disorder. The last few years of being in the same house as my husband I was drinking heavily, after my daughters had gone to bed as he just put his headphones on, was on his phone or the computer every night, and ignored me, no conversation and very snappy with me if I dared to interrupt him. I felt he was slipping away. Little did I know. He told out eldest daughter 7 years previously to this he was going to divorce me, i didnt know this until boxing day 2017. I also didn't know that he was having an online affair with a woman for 7 years. I found out, boxing day 2017, he had booked in the August a room for them and iron maiden tickets for Aug 2018. I also didn't know that 3 weeks after he told me he wanted a divorce that he booked a holiday to Canada for February 2018 over Valentine's day to go and see her, while our eldest daughter was in the car. I was told over a few years that i was paranoid when I walked into a room and he and our eldest daughter went silent. In May 2018 I had to move out as that was what he and my daughters wanted. I now live on my own, 5 minutes drive away from our family home where they all still live. They hardly visit me, my eldest daughter has ignored the last 2 mothers day, and this year I turned 50, i know covid is going on, sadly, but not even a card from them. But they still expect me to pay them £50 each per month for food, as they say my husband can't afford it, even though he had booked a flight for 2 weeks to see his girlfriend in May. Please help. I feel very used.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2020 03:09

They can work for a living.

2Finallypregnant · 19/06/2020 03:17

Omg I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. They’re old enough to buy their own food. Do not give them a penny the selfish lot.

jlclark · 19/06/2020 03:23

Thank you, that's what I thought, i am just worried if i stop giving them money I will never see them. Not hugged them since February, then covid happened, i last saw them for 5 minutes through my window as they picked their Easter eggs up from my doorstep on good friday.

OP posts:
jlclark · 19/06/2020 03:24

Yes, i agree, but so worried I won't see them again, i adore them both.

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jlclark · 19/06/2020 03:26

They both also pay my husband £450 each rent every 3 months out of their university fees.

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cabbageking · 19/06/2020 03:52

I assume they are both working and independent? In which case they need to stand in their own two feet.

They are adults and shouldn't be relying on their father for food either. Helping when they are at uni or there is a problem is a different thing.

LividLaughLovely · 19/06/2020 03:59

What merry hell is this?

“I had to move out as that was what he and my daughters wanted”???

You’ve been ousted from your own home by not just your cheating husband but your own children, and you are sending them money still, as adults?

OP, nothing about this is okay. You need to stand up for yourself and have nothing more to do with any of them.

Halo84 · 19/06/2020 04:12

See a solicitor. You should be entitled to a share of the proceeds from the family home. You may be able to force a sale.

Pixxie7 · 19/06/2020 04:17

I wouldn’t they obviously don’t appreciate you.

Breastfeedingworries · 19/06/2020 04:36

The house needs to be sold. Shared ect you also should of got a solicitor when all this happened. He cheated and he should of moved out. He’s obviously prepared and twisted the girls against you. Be firm and hopefully they will come around to the truth too. Get what you’re entitled to!

custardbear · 19/06/2020 05:18

Sounds like he is brain washing them if they think you're the problem. When I was at university inlaid for my own food and board from student loans and my part time job - my mum helped out with things like books from time to time
Good luck whatever you do

nzeire · 19/06/2020 05:21

What a sad thread. I hope you are getting the help and support you need x

jlclark · 25/06/2020 01:34

Thank you all for your messages, and sound advice xxx I am getting help, or was before coronavirus lockdown! I know I am being 'used' and feel unbelievably devastated. Just so so hard to believe my daughters are treating me so hurtful. I love them both with all my heart and soul & would do anything for them. But how do I stop them taking advantage and not losing them?

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jlclark · 25/06/2020 01:37

LividLaughLovely, thank you x how do I put my foot down and not lose my daughters? X

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3cats · 25/06/2020 01:43

I think you can’t buy people and maybe it’s time to accept that you have already lost them. My advice is to work on yourself and your own mental health. It is not easy living with someone who has mental health problems, so I think this situation must be very hard on everyone. I don’t know the situation with paying maintenance in the UK. As your daughters are still in education, it may be expected that you pay some maintenance still.

Veganforlife · 28/06/2020 17:32

What no
Do not give them a penny

jlclark · 05/02/2021 04:20

Thank you x it's still on going, i am scared to stop sending my girls food money as I feel they will hate me and stop talking to me.

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jlclark · 05/02/2021 04:21

I understand, but I am scared my daughter's will stop talking to me.

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jlclark · 05/02/2021 04:23

Thank you x my daughter's and I speak most days, then not for a few days. I just don't want to lose them as I adore them x

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Thatwentbadly · 05/02/2021 04:35

Have you addressed your alcohol problem?

There are always more than one side to each story. Another side here could be that husband and wife split after years of her alcohol and mental health issues and because the teenagers want to stay with Dad is was best for Mum to move out as the teens approach their exam years. Mum continues to offer a small financial support to her adult children (18 and 21) who are still at uni. This is obviously a simplified and one sided version of the events the OP describes but it’s important to realise that there are different views of the same situation.

Cissyandflora · 05/02/2021 06:56

This is a terribly sad situation. I wouldn’t give them money. They’re too old to expect it. Also you can’t win them over with money. Are you managing to beat the alcohol problem? I say this not as blaming you for it. I’m a recovering alcoholic myself. Focus on yourself now. The girls are ok. They’ll still be your daughters.

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