Adult daughter won't talk to me

[Cuddleden]

Hi I'm new to Mumsnet and just need some support. My dd27 will not talk to me - she lives locally but we don't see each other very often, we used to be fairly close. During our last conversation at the beginning of lockdown she admitted she has an issue with me, but didn't say what, we were arguing at the time. The argument started on mother's Day when she said she was too stressed to talk to me. (She was worried about her business due to covid). She has anger issues and and is extremely rude and short and impatient towards me, she has no respect for me as a Mum in the way I respect my mum for just being my Mum. I told her I don't want to put up with the disrespect any longer and since then she hasn't wanted to speak to me. I get that she's got issues but I am struggling with the estrangement and feeling angry and hurt that she's treating me with no care, it breaks my heart. I can't believe that I'm in this situation, I am questioning myself. My Mum wasn't perfect but I would never treat her in this way. My husband doesn't get this treatment and he says he doesn't want to take sides. I feel awful, sad, tearful and scared.

If you let her be disrespectful before and now your putting your foot down she probably has her knickers in a knot and trying to punish you or prove a point that she’s in charge. Just msg to let her know you love and miss her and leave the door open for her to respond.

@junejuly, thank you for @Cuddledenyour message, I'm so sorry to hear this, it's made me tearful. I hope you are ok. Relationships are so difficult there's so many tiny little things that can cause deep routed issues without any intention on either side.
Sending hugs ❣️

Its easy for me to say dont get so hurt by it, but it is very distressing for anyone to think their relationship with their child is ending. Your always think that this is the one relationship that will always be good in every way, I know I did and I got very upset when I though that something I had built my world around and thought would always be totally special was in conflict. I was shocked at first.
But I very much doubt that you introducing limits on how your daughter speaks to you will actually end your relationship, hopefully just change it a bit for the better. Its not unreasonable for you to ask her to take responsibility for how she behavious towards you.
Being responsible for your behaviour is part of growing up afterall.

@chiochan this is so true. It's a difficult path for me to take but you are right in that it shouldn't be the reason the relationship breaks down.
X

This is getting more common. I can understand if ppl were shocking parents, but in a lot of the cases they were not.
Don't chase them. They know where you are.

@Trevsadick thank you, I hope it gets resolved soon, it's been building up for a while, it's not just me she's distancing from. I feel helpless as a parent not being able to communicate with her.

You mention having "said things in the heat of the moment".

Have you apologised for those things? What did you say? Could one of these things which you probably view as not to be taken seriously have cut her to the quick? Do you make "helpful suggestions" that are in fact critical of her?

My mum has form for saying really hurtful and critical stuff, and then when I get upset she says I'm too sensitive, I need a thicker skin, she's just trying to help, she didn't mean it that way, I should have known she would never have meant it, and finally gaslights me that she never said it in the first place. I now avoid calls and insist on texting so I have evidence of what she has said, or only seeing her when my dad or DH are there so she can't gaslight.

Think about all the things you have said over the last few interactions you have had with her, think about whether an apology is needed. And a real one, not "I'm sorry you were upset".

@Xiaoxiong
Thanks for your message, believe me I have gone over our conversations many times.
I am so sorry to hear how your Mum has said don't be sensitive, people have said that to me before, but I have since learned about gaslighting. Stay strong in yourself 💪 but I also have learned people are not perfect and say the wrong thing.
I don't want to blame anyone I just feel so helpless. All these messages are very helpful and supportive.

Did she accept or reject the money you sent her? If she kept it did she acknowledge receipt?

I can see my narcissist mother in your writings.
Demands respect for no reason other than you gave birth. There's arguments but you won't say what caused them. Claim its all innocent on your side.

People don't just cut their mothers out of their lives for no reason.

Years back you may have put up with your mum as society demanded you respect her but these days, us young women have more respect for OURSELVES. We are not obliged to have contact with anybody who brings negativity into our lives.

@skefalent yes that does seem to be the way my dd is, it probably is a generation gap with the way we respect our parents. Being a parent is not easy.

You earn respect. You don't automatically earn it just because you get pregnant and drag a child up.

I know being a parent isn't easy. I am one. Damn sight better one than my mother. Yet she believes she should be the apple of my eye just because she gave birth to me. Never mind her narcissistic behaviour, constant backhanded put downs and judgement.

OP, what are the "imperfect" things you think you said and did?

I think if you can't even bear to honestly write them down, that might tell you how you know you overstepped.

As pp have said, from now on you have to reset. This isn't a typical mother-daughter relationships now, its two adults in conflict. And you can't change someone else, only yourself.

It just seems much more likely with what you've said that you've repeated a cycle of something like bad behaviour or abuse from your own mum, rather than this being normal levels of quarrels.

Would you consider therapy? Maybe you need to thoroughly explore what went wrong and try to understand, including trying to see things from her side - rather than expecting her to put up with everything because you had to? It can be hard doing this and might mean tackling your own anger at your own mum, but maybe it'll help you find some peace.

OP obviously I don't know what's gone wrong between you but some of the things you say are red flags like the way you say you think she should respect you in the way you respect your own mother and your reluctance to elaborate on what's going on.

I'd be tempted to do some reading around the issue of estranged parents and see if anything sounds familiar.

Op, your lack of information about the argument, imperfect things you have said etc makes me think that in your great you DO know what you have done wrong, and I suspect it is hurtful to your daughter.

I’d really recommend some
Counselling for you. Look at your behaviours and language and how you can improve. It will only help your relationship with your other child and will make you a better wife and friend too.

I feel for you, it is a heartbreaking situation. My DD hasn’t spoken to me for 3 and a half years and also won’t allow me to speak with or see my grandchildren. I have written letters, tried to call and got nowhere so my advice is just to let her know that the door is always open and move on, if you don’t it is extremely painful and upsetting.
As a pp said this is now getting more and more common especially with daughters.
Look after yourself first.

I really recommend the Phillipa Perry book about ‘the book you wish your parents had read.’

It covers things like the concept of ‘respect’. It may help you see a dif view and reflect on how you were parented and going forward.

I wonder if both of you would consider some family counselling so that an objective third party could help you to resolve whatever has happened?
I find it odd that your dh is refusing to facilitate a resolution. Looking the other way by “refusing to get involved” is a bit cowardly and not really in the spirit of family. Although perhaps he feels trying to communicate with your dd on this is pointless, does she have form for long term sulking?
I suspect both you and her have done / said hurtful things to each other. That’s why I think attending counselling together might be a way forward.

Thanks for your supportive comments on my situation OP, but with respect, "I have gone over our conversations many times" isn't quite enough information here - you've gone over them with her? With your DH? Or just in your head?

This is not a situation where you've gone over your conversations and you cannot see a single thing you've said that could have upset her. You say yourself there are things you've said in the heat of the moment and you're not perfect. So there is something in your conversations you know hurt her. This happens. You are only human. People wind each other up especially when they are very similar and no one knows the sore spots to poke more than a mother and child.

However - now that you have identified these things - have you apologised? People argue, have fights, etc. It's how you argue and resolve the arguments that count - and yes, usually that requires at least one side and probably both to apologise. That's how you move on. And don't wait for her apology first because of some weird thing about you being her mum and respect etc - you know there is something there that you've said. Apologise, fully, honestly and openly. You won't be able to have a functional relationship any other way.

You say you won't put up with being disrespected any more, but the only information you've given us is about her having said she was upset about her world in general and not able to talk on Mother's Day which doesn't seem to be immediately related to disrespecting you; also that during an argument that you said imperfect things and that she hasn't been in contact since.

Absolutely impossible for us to judge who is in the wrong, or if both are, or what should be your way forward.

The one thing I can say, however, is that as things now seem to stand you will never get anywhere unless you are willing to listen to her and to try to see her side of things too.

You could say that I’m estranged from my mum.

Instead of trying to fix it, she’s focused on how “badly” I’ve treated her and how painful it all is for her. She hasn’t tried to put things right, she’s tried to gloss over what she’s done, and berated me for not responding how she wants me to.

Ultimately I don’t think my DM has it in her to self-reflect and see anything from another point of view but what would massively help is if she just said “I really want to put things right between us, I’m so sorry for the way I’ve behaved and I want to let you know that whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen”.

Quite frankly, pigs will fly before my dm does this. But maybe it could work for you (though you have to sincerely mean every word of that)?