How do you live in harmony with adult children

[Icantcopeanymorehelp]

Without turning into a lunatic? Just because they are adults doesn’t stop you worrying about them but how do you stop yourself becoming overbearing and treating them like kids?
I’m struggling a lot. Two dc, eldest currently back at home due to CV and youngest never moved out. Eldest has never been any bother.
I am currently waiting for dd to come home as she forgot her keys and I have to stop myself giving her the third degree when she gets in about where she’s been etc. I panic and always think the worst. We’ve had plenty of rows in the past over the same issue and Dh says I should just let her get on with things. Dd doesn’t think she has to tell me every detail of her life and that’s true and She’s old enough and can make her own decisions.
How do you cope?

This thread is great. I love hearing other perspectives and seeing how others act and feel about situations.

I’ve got the messy tip of a bedroom bit sorted. I don’t care about it any more and in the past I would have had something to say and in the end tried to tidy it, now I just leave it, shut the door and that’s it.
Never had the forgotten key thing yet but I kind of struggle with the indirect effect of not being able to sleep theory changeitupagain because the staying out till early hours/all night does have a direct effect on me in that it causes me to worry if I don’t know where they are etc. But I realise I have no right to expect anything different of an adult and if they didn’t live here I would know no different. It would be nice to have lots of texts saying where they are etc but that’s also unrealistic. Doesn’t stop me worrying but it’s my problem.

I think it helps if they have been to uni because you are forced to live with the fact that you don't know where they are or what they are up to.
I had each of mine back home for a year after uni. One while he was teacher training and the other while he looked for a grad job.
I said at the beginning it would require adjustment and tolerance on both sides and that we would sit down and discuss anything that was annoying any of us.
We are lucky enough to have space. I gave over the dining room to be their sitting room / study. They had a car so could get around independently. We live in a small village so they always had to drive, DH would occasionally give a lift if they wanted a drink.
I ignored the mess. My expectations were fairly low, to be told if they were not coming home at night, or would be late. To eat dinner as a family, to cook occasionally, and take a turn with chores.
A lot is down to personalities. One is very easy going and relaxed and the other is fairly intense.

Just got the second one moved out and the other is back for a few weeks......

@Mrsplantpot

But you not been able to sleep because you are worrying is, as you say, your problem. You are not worrying for any particularly justifiable reason other than they are your children who you love. And it is not their job as adults living their own lives to mitigate your worries. You have to do that by reminding yourself they are adults, they are responsible, resourceful and have always made it home fine so why would this time be any different. You can't ask them for regular texts throughout the night because for one, it's an invasion of their privacy and they're adults who don't have to justify themselves to you and two, or would unfairly change the dynamic of their evening out.

Think of If they had a partner who loved them. But said they couldn't sleep until they come home because they worry about them, so asked them to come home earlier so they could get to sleep, and asked them to interrupt their night to frequently text them to let them know that they're ok and where they are. You would tell you child that their partner is being controlling and they should not put up with it, they are an independent adult who has every right to live their life. And yet you are asking the same thing of your adult child. A thing which if anyone else asked you would say is controlling. You are still being controlling even if it comes from a place of love and you need to deal with your control issue, not expect your child to mitigate them by changing their behaviour.

changeitupagain your advice is great. You should really write a self help book or a blog for all us neurotic mothers out there. Thank you and thanks to everyone who has taken the time to offer advice and opinions.

Ps are you my dd because some of what you’ve said she has actually said to me 🙂

So how do you approach things during the current lockdown when they are not following guidelines?
Dd has just this past few weeks starting going out to meet friends and is not socially distancing. How can you in a car? She’s been out more in the past few weeks then she did before all this started.

Because she’s an adult am I not allowed to comment? It’s affecting the rest of the family, not to mention her friends families as well so I think I have to say something.

Bobby, I'd say you're definitely allowed to comment. My ds (20) and I have had serious conversations about the relative risks to different members of his family. If you share a house with other people you have to involve them in discussions that impact them. Ds goes out once a week to meet a friend in a local park. They each bring 2 bottles of beer, sit at different ends of a fallen tree trunk, drink their beer and chat. That and going to work (where he wears a mask and gloves and has to maintain the 2 metre distance at all times) is the extent of his weekly entertainment.

I am trying very hard to live on harmony with my early 20’s dd.
It’s hard stepping back and realising that they are indeed adults and need to live their own lives and yes to the not sleeping till they are in. That’s the hardest thing for me even though dd is quiet when she comes in at all hours it’s that ingrained thing about listening for them. This has to be unlearned and the thing I struggle with the most.

Ive been having a good look around these threads for some advice and came across this one and I can relate to a lot of what has been said.

OP take it from me and don’t interfere in your dc’s lives. I have learnt the hard way and my relationship with my youngest dd is hanging on by a thread. I gave my opinion and advice when it wasn’t asked for, regardless of whether I was doing it out of love, or a need to protect. I was like a dog with a bone over a relationship she got into. I could see from the start it was wrong, for many reasons, and I was proved right in the end when he treated her appallingly and broke her heart. Nevertheless I should have kept well out of it.

So now, after what has gone on, dd won’t tell me anything and I feel shut out from her life but I only have myself to blame.
Yes once they leave home things are different but at the moment, standing back and watching her make the same mistakes is hard. Reading some of the comments has been like a bit of a wake up call and I’m ashamed to realise what kind of person I am in that have tried to control my dcs to avoid anything bad happening to them but you just can’t do that.

I need some sort of help to sort myself and my anxieties over my dcs but don’t know where to go.

Good luck.

Aztectrousers I’ve done the same and interfered/given too much (unwanted) advice and as a result things are just not the same between dd and myself. So I’ve ended up pushing her away and I’m trying hard to make things better.

changeitupagain very good comments and food for thought.

I think too many mothers think that they absolutely own their children, and fail to see them as their own human beings.

I have had many, many conversations with my friends about their mothers not respecting their boundaries.

You have got to see that you do not own your children

As someone who is going through the letting go phase I don’t think it is as simple as saying you don’t own your children.
I think it is so easy for adults children to see parents, but particularly mothers as a non entity. That they treat their parents in a way they would never treat their friends - not texting regularly, investing time in them. not really investing in the relationship yet always expecting the mother to be there for them.

It is always the mothers...

Yeah, it is also true that many adult childen do not respect their mothers.

Don’t make the same mistake as my sister. She stayed up until my nephew came home . No matter how late. As a result her sleeping pattern is wrecked. Nephew is now 40 and long gone but my Dsis has had a poor sleep pattern for years.

Is there no way to stop mother's worrying? It seems like such a terrible waste of energy for the mothers , and such a terrible annoyance for the adult children.

I was at the beach with a few friends last week, and my forty year old male friend was there. He told me that he had said to his mum - who is in another country - that he is going to the beach. And she said, "why would you go there - you could drown!".

When children are adults - shouldn't you balance your worry, with having respect for them having their own lives?

My mother has often caused a lot of annoyance to my life with her endless worry.

One time I was abroad and I texted her to say that she wouldnt hear from me for a couple of weeks because I was so busy. Th next time I saw her, she said to me "that text didnt sound like you, I thought some one had kidnapped you, taken your phone and sent me that text". I was so worried that you were kidnapped.

Her worryig about me has caused me a lot of pain. Don't just think about yourself as the mother, think about how you are affecting your adult children, and let them live their lives!

My DD, her partner and I share a house and have done for nearly 15 yearz.

We find it relatively easy. We have ground rules around who does what and who pays for what.And things like each others bedrooms being out of bounds,they are welcome to be as untidy as they like in their living spaces,but not in shared areas.

They occasionally get on my nerves, as I'm quite sure I do get on theirs. Live and let live is our motto.
With a bit of "from each according to their means, to each according to their needs" thrown in.

I think it he!ps that DD and partner are now in their 50s, so the child/parent dynamic is v different at their/ my age.

I don’t cope op. My adult dd who lives at home smokes and vapes (outside) and even though I know it’s not helping, I just can’t help begging her not to.

2 of my adult dcs have just moved out into a house share. I love them to bits but I can't live with them. I worry more when I live with them than when I don't - when they were at Uni I didn't stay awake because it was 1am and they weren't home - but when they live in my home I'm very aware of hearing the door open and close at 3am.

tbh, I'm just an old fart now and want to sleep well and not worry about who is in the house and whether or not they have come home,

I don’t cope very well and I’m the same ohyesiknowwhatyoumean. Love my dd to bits but I cope much better when she’s away.

I love the advice on this thread and I may just print it off and refer to it when I’m having a wobble. Bit of a reality check to see how my dc’s probably see me as controlling, no matter how good my intentions are.

My DD is 18 next week. Now lockdown is easing a bit she's out and about with her friends and no curfew. I am fine until I go to bed and then I start panicking about where she is, is she safe, is she kidnapped etc. I know it's silly. I know she's sensible, but I cannot sleep until she's home. I've tried reading, mindfulness, sleep apps, a bottle of wine, nothing works. It's like I'm on high alert worrying and listening for the front door. I can be absolutely exhausted but still no sleep. Please tell me I'm being ridiculous, and any advice welcome!

My DC is back home after graduating last year and it's been hard at times. Some awful rows! I try to think that she's been independent for several years now, and I also think it's hard for her - I would have gone mad if I had to move back in with my parents at her age!
The lack of jobs due to covid is difficult, she has had several temporary jobs, but two periods of unemployment, which came as a shock to her system as she's worked since she was 16 in some capacity pretty constantly. She now has a longer term temporary contract that pays well, and has to commute to it, it's been good for her, a routine, getting out of the house. She's also saving frantically as she really appreciates the value of money now!
I try to remember that all of her plans for the past year have been destroyed. No graduation, no going on to do a masters (no point at the moment as she studies an art subject and needs studio time which simply isn't an option now), she had planned to work in her uni city to save for a year to do that, and of course that fell through. Yes it's hard at times, we clash on quite a few things, but overall I'm so grateful that she has been able to stay with us while her life feels on hold.

I have been to hell and back with this during lockdown and before. Two adults children living with us, one due to Covid . One of them has moved out now and I can’t see her due to lockdown rules. We nearly killed each other when she was here and it’s damaged our relationship , probably permanently. Having adult children with no money and no job living at home in lockdown is horrendous. I am still exhausted and traumatised by the experience and still have one child living here. All I can say is try to keep calm, try not to react in the heat of the moment and go out alone for long walks. I feel for you.

@Teenageromance

As someone who is going through the letting go phase I don’t think it is as simple as saying you don’t own your children. I think it is so easy for adults children to see parents, but particularly mothers as a non entity. That they treat their parents in a way they would never treat their friends - not texting regularly, investing time in them. not really investing in the relationship yet always expecting the mother to be there for them.

Yes, how true

It's difficult when they've made bad decisions when they were young and you can't forget them when they're older. If they were lodgers that you'd only known since they were adult, it would be completely different.

Having said that, OP, you say your daughter suffers from anxiety and she's gone out without a key, yet you're the one staying up and worrying. I think she should appreciate you enough not to do that - she knows what anxiety feels like and she's not acting like an adult if she's going out without a key.

My DC is home for Coved duration. I leave them alone as much as I can - they come to me when they want to talk. It works really well.