What to do with 24 year old sleeping until 6pm or later

[Lobo]

My partner and I are at a complete loss of what to do with his 24 year old son. He has not managed to hold down a job for years, failed to complete college courses and will sleep in bed until 6pm or later each day.
In the last 5 years he has been to college twice and not turned up pretending to go then failed. The other 3 years he has not managed to maintain a job for longer than a month at a time then it will be another 9 months before he gets another.

Despite getting counsellors involved, taking him to the doctors, encouraging him to move forward with his life nothing changes with him. My partner has been dealing with this for 7 years now and we hoped the situation would improve for him once we all lived together.

He is currently going out some nights at 11.30pm claiming to go to the shop and returning at 4.30am. He has a problem with weed but refuses to acknowledge it's causing him issues.

He hasn't had the easiest times growing up as he had a very poor relationship with his mum for a long time, whereby he was treated as the poor relation and his young brother the golden child. He most definitely has anxiety and depression issues but refuses to get help no matter how we try.

We've finally tried tough love over the past few months but each time he comes back saying he will change then reverts back and now he is refusing to leave.

Anyone got any ideas?

Rehab? They’ll correct his sleep schedule and no weed.

Have you contacted any drugs charities for help and guidance? It's obviously a drug problem caused by mental health which needs professional help Xxx

www.rehab-online.org.uk/

Are you able to afford a flat to rent for 6 months ? Get him out and in it and explain he has ) months to get a job etc , change the locks and leave him to it ?

We've got a drug counsellor involved but he doesn't engage with her. She comes to visit and he will literally lie in bed until she leaves - he knows she is visiting to speak to him. Unfortunately we can't afford to pay for rent for 6 months but if he got a claim in for housing I would find the money for a deposit if needed. But he won't apply for housing benefit either he just refuses.

The other problem we have is when he does speak to his mum she doesn't help the situation because she goes along agreeing with him. Says that he should be priority over everybody else in the house but she won't house him herself

Time for tough love. He has absolutely no motivation to improve his life, therefore he doesn't even bother to try. He has free room and board and no bills, and free money to buy weed. If you wait for him to grow up, you'll be waiting forever, and all you're doing now is treating him like a helpless child. You say you've tried tough love, but you really haven't. You keep letting him back in! That needs to stop.

I would be telling him that as soon as lockdown is over, he's out. No more discussions, no compromises. It's sink or swim time.

Can you get a social worker or go to citizens advice and ask for help on how to deal with him.. I know you can't help him but you are enabling him to continue the way he is living . Of course he doesn't want to support himself , lazy fecker ..
I know you can't help depression ( although I doubt the bloody weed helped ) but he can't help by helping himself !

Thank you all for the advice I do think it's tough love time as we have literally given him chance after chance. We've done everything we can think of to encourage him to sort it out. To be fair he has started paying board of £80 a month regularly since Christmas out of his universal credit but that is literally all he pays for out of it.

We've had some awful arguments over the last few months about it all. He doesn't help at all round the house unless asked several times and even then quite often it turns into a row so my partner has stopped asking him. He is usually more likely to do it if I ask but even then it can end in an argument.

We only asked him to hoover the downstairs twice a week (it takes 30 mins max) and clean the main bathroom (only him and my 14 year old use it). My 14 year old was doing the same jobs as otherwise he doesn't think it's fair that he should do them and the children not.

Its helping support my partner through this all as well as he is struggling massively with it.

Thanks again for all the suggestions x

Rehab or eviction

Can you move out and leave them both to it? Nothing will change, so you continue to tolerate it, or remove yourself from it and enjoy your life.
He shouldn’t be out of the house for 6 hours , hanging out with drug dealers and spreading the risk of disease and bringing home the virus potentially to you all. He refuses to engage with any help offered, refuses to function, risks you all and your boyfriend can’t/won’t do anything. Why not just keep dating your boyfriend but not live with him and his dependent adult kid?

I'm not willing to move out of the house due to the fact I own a higher share plus the other children should not have to leave their home. The younger children have already had enough upheaval in their lives and have now settled into new schools and the area etc.

The 24 year old hates where we live and constantly moans about it.

My partner wouldn't be able to maintain the mortgage alone if I moved out whereas I could therefore I would have to pay towards the mortgage and rental elsewhere if I moved.

My partner asked his son to leave last week and he was locked out unfortunately I made the mistake of letting him back as his mother begged me we then had a horrific 5 days with his behaviour.

I got him to contact housing at the council as I couldn't take anymore. On Wednesday he decided to start doing what we asked to a certain extent and hasn't been out for the last 4 nights. I'm hoping this continues and he starts to improve as otherwise he will have to leave.

Fingers crossed he starts making positive changes but we have been here before so we can only see.

Unfortunately he won't change. He will appear to comply and your DH will forgive him and think everything is wonderful, and your DH will treat him like he's done something amazing just because hes got out of bed 2 days in a row, then the cycle will start again. If you are going to be in the same house, step away, do nothing for him, treat him like a lodger. If he gets UC he should be paying you half. My step son is exactly the same, same age, but addicted to gaming rather than weed and buying Warhammer figures with money he doesn't have. I've had enough and am seriously thinking of leaving when lockdown is over. Mine has started taking the medication last week and i swear my DH thinks he deserves a round of applause, yet he still does nothing at all except make a lot of mess.

Kick him up the arse. He needs to get a job and stop being a scrounging little fucker. My poor sister has one of those in her life her, similar age , her husbands son but thankfully he doesn't live with them - yet. Imagine getting away with that shit at 24 years old! Unbelievable!

I really feel for you OP. My stepson is 30, not working, has had at various times drug and alcohol problems and no interest in engaging with services who have tried to help him. I'd only been married to his father for a few months when he came for a 'visit' and didn't leave. Turned out he'd been kicked out of a hostel he'd been living in due to his behaviour. Those few months of him living with us nearly broke our marriage. In bed all day while we worked, didn't do any chores, ate anything and everything. Writing it down I don't know how we allowed it to continue. His father ended up having to officially 'evict' him and he was temporarily housed then got a flat. Not sure I have much constructive advice but when possible he needs to go or your relationship will suffer. SS is not really improved at all but not having him in our home makes a world of difference.

Sorry to hear about this situation, it sounds really difficult. I think rehab would really be the best option for him & hopefully address the main problems