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Dd20 being absolutely horrible

15 replies

DoIneed1 · 10/04/2020 20:18

Dd has come back from university. She has always taken her moods out on me, and I always respond in the end.

But it is so much worse now. Since coming home she has been so self centred that it is hard to believe. Expecting to be treated as an adult but acting like a child.

She hasn't spoken to me for 24 hours because she was throwing out perfectly good in date chocolates and I rescued them. It's so bizarre it is almost funny.

She sneers when I talk, knows better than I do about everything.

She goes out for her exercise without asking if we need any food bought. I am doing all the shopping as her father is in the vulnerable group, and is staying in.

She offers her dad a drink and not me. She cooks for herself separately as she doesn't like our food, using the food I buy of course, leaves a mess and says she will clear it up later. She never does.

She seems stuck mentally at about 14. She has had problems with all her flatmates over the last last 2 years. I think that it's her.

She can be funny, clever and kind but with me I so rarely see it unless everything is going her way.

I visited her in her university town last month and we had a great time. Now I think that is because I took her out to nice restaurants.

If this were usual times I would very clearly tell her that she either shaoes up or leaves. But I can't.

I just need to get through this time I know but it is so hard. I love her so much but I don't think that she is actually a very nice person.

OP posts:
DoIneed1 · 10/04/2020 20:19

Apologies for the lack of paragraphs. I put them in!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2020 20:22

If she's acting like a child, treat her like one. If you pay for her phone, deactivate it. Block her from the Wi-Fi. Make her buy her own food. Don't do any of her washing. There is no way I would tolerate her shit behaviour.

Soontobe60 · 10/04/2020 20:26

I'd be furious at her, and be telling her so.

Ibizafun · 10/04/2020 23:50

Hang in there. Easier said than done especially in the current situ. My dd was similar but now at 22, she really has become an adult and able to see a different perspective. Still has her moments though..

I agree your dd should be offering to go into food shops while she’s out, but why shouldn’t she eat the food you buy.. she’s your daughter. If she wants to make her own food fair enough, but ask her to eat it at the table with you so you can share a meal together, however painful it is.

Yes her behaviour’s bad but these are challenging times for all. My dd told us she found it hard being around us all the time. I told her to take herself off for an hour and she came back feeling better.

When lockdown is over and her behaviour continues, I would take a harder stance.

Ibizafun · 10/04/2020 23:51

And she should definitely be tidying up after herself!

DoIneed1 · 11/04/2020 11:42

Thanks for the messages everyone.
Just to clarify I have no problem whatsoever with my dd eating food that I buy but was writing it in the context that she was not helping at all with buying the food.

She went for a long walk yesterday evening and came back and apologised. We spoke about how this is not ideal for anyone but we all need to be doing our bit, whether that is biting our tongue at times, clearing up after ourselves or whatever.

It's not great but it is a start.

OP posts:
SpyApp · 11/04/2020 11:49

I have a 19 year old who was 'challenging' at the start of lockdown. In the end, after lots of patient reasonableness I lost my shit and told him how his behaviour was affecting the rest of us and that he could choose to behave like that but not in my home. There's the door.
I never ever thought I'd say something like that but amazingly, after 3 or 4 days' sulking, he's fine. He offers to help. I can see that he curbs his eye rolling and sulking and he's actually pleasant to have around. He's bonded with his older brothers again.
It was a gamble but it's paid off. I think he actually quite likes being a valued part of the team again.

RedRed9 · 11/04/2020 11:49

It’s good that you had a chat and she apologised.

Does she pay her way? Does she pay for the food?

SpyApp · 11/04/2020 11:50

I don't think they always realise how their behaviour impacts others until it's clearly pointed out.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 11/04/2020 12:27

I agree SpyApp, DS was a PITA when he first came back home but now he's got his head round the fact we've all had to make sacrifices to deal with this he's much better.

I do feel sorry for them, at an age when they should be enjoying their freedom it suddenly feels like its been taken away and a summer that should have been spent going to festivals and parties is now going to be spent with mum and dad so I do try to bare that in mind too.

underthepatio · 20/04/2020 15:00

If it wasn't for your DD's age I would think you were talking about mine, but she's 22.

I really really want to run away from home!

Cuddleden · 09/06/2020 05:52

My adult daughter is also rude and disrespectful, and she's 27 !

FruitPastillesaregood · 09/06/2020 18:30

Mine too. She is 26.

Joanie34 · 04/11/2020 10:29

My son 😐 unfortunately I lost my shit with him yesterday. He's moving in with my sister. How did I end up with such an arrogant, entitled nob for a son. He does fuck all around the house but sits in judgement on everyone else. He tries to be the king of this castle. He is not. And has been told so. It was absolutely fine a week ago then it all suddenly went horribly wrong. Moody, and is making his happiness conditional. When this happens.. when that happens.. we've seen this behaviour a couple of times and hope he can remove his head from his arse long enough to see some perspective otherwise he's about to make the same mistake yet again in someone else's home.

Strawberry33 · 08/11/2020 13:07

Sounds like she could have Bordeline personality Disorder. The stuck at 14 bit and unreasonableness, and the troublesome relationships sound like it to me. I work in a personality disorder ward. You need to set clear boundaries x

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