Struggling with daughter's breakup

[RuthW]

My dd is in her 20s and lives with me ( after 4 years at uni). She broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years at the weekend. She's absolutely fine but I'm struggling.

He was part of the family. I got on well with his family. I feel like I'm grieving for what could have been.

I know I'm being silly and my priority is her happiness but I keep crying.

She's a teacher and devoted to her work. She hasn't got time tor a relationship. I can't see her settling down for a very long time.

I just feel stupid for feeling like this. Someone tell me to pull myself together!

I hope youre not crying and acting grief stricken in front of your daughter!

No I'm not!

It's horrible. I was like that with ED with her bfs so I totally understand.

It's the lack of control and the fact that you cannot fix it I think 🤔

Try and get out and distance yourself if possible

It's ok to grieve for someone who has been part of your life for 4 years, you're not being silly at all.

Take your time, but don't wallow.

Please don't tell your DD.
You will be fine op!

I'd be gutted if my mum was like that rather than being happy I was happy.

Please make sure she never finds out how you're feeling.

I’d be gutted if my mum was like that

Exactly. How many women in an average mumsnet month post they are too afraid to / dont feel they can leave abusive partners because they think their parents will be Disappointed, or because their parents think he’s wonderful. It is really sad.

Op, this is not about you.

No it's not about me. That's why I've posted here. I have no intention of telling her how I feel.

You can be proud of her for making the right choice for her and her life. This place is awash with people feeling they’re stuck in shit relationships which don’t serve them well but they’re scared of change, scared to be alone, think they’re only worth unhappiness. She’s obviously a bright, honest woman who’s taking responsibility for herself and that’s a good thing. She’ll settle down if that’s the right thing for her when she’s ready. She has her whole life ahead of her! She’s currently committed to investing herself in her career, which is laudable if it makes her happy and fulfilled. If in time she wants to meet someone and share her life with them she’ll have learnt lessons from this last relationship, also a positive.

some of the comments on here are a bit much.
In no way did the OP mention her DD and her XBF have other than a 'normal' adult relationship.
The OP had a 4 year relationship with her DDs partner, and now it's over. It is sad when that happens, no one exists in a vacuum and of course the OP is sad, there's nothing wrong with that at all.
She's welcomed someone into her family and having to say goodbye is tough, give the poor woman a break.
My own DC have had marriage and relationship breakdowns, 'losing' people who you've loved like your own - while having to hide it from your DC - is tough, it's just life. Of course I was happy my DC were happy, it still doesn't soothe the sadness.

It's ok to be sad, perhaps he feels the same.

I miss my ex's mum even though we split up over 25 yrs ago, she was important and special to me. But life moves on and so must you x

It's sad. I absolutely loved DS's uni girlfriend who he was with for four years; she fitted into our family brilliantly. And of course it was awful seeing him so sad (the breakup was due to cultural reasons).

Equally sad for our family was DD splitting up with her boyfriend of two years. He filled a gap for little DS2(8) when his beloved older brother went off to uni, and he was very sad when they broke up.

We try not to get too attached now.

My mum was like this when my now ex Dh left me - we all lived together. It’s good you’re not showing your dd you feel this way- my mum made it obvious how she felt and it really damaged our relationship. I felt so angry and hurt she wasn’t being supportive of me etc.!

Seems to me the OP is doing everything right and has no reason to blame herself.

The truth is, when we do start longterm relationships most of us also ask our families to accept our partners as part of the family- and you don't have to read MN to long to find out how absolutely furious people get when families fail to do this. The longer the relationship lasts, and the better the families are at welcoming the other half, the greater the gap they will leave behind at a split.

When my db broke up with his partner, my children were suddenly told the aunt who had spent all their holidays with them, held them when they were ill or unhappy, rejoiced at all their successes- was no longer their aunt. Of course they minded. How could they not?

At the same time, obviously no one can run their private and intimate life for the benefit of their family or nephews. The dd must have a right to do what makes her happy.

But then the OP isn't asking for her not to. She is just asking if it is normal to feel sadness. I'd say totally normal.

@RuthW you are absolutely not being stupid at all. I have been where you are (18 months ago) when my son and his gf broke up. They were 21 and had been together 5 years.. I loved her like a daughter and she was a big part of our family. My young daughter adored her, she stayed over and came on family holidays etc. I still feel sad sometimes.. about the future I thought they had together, and I too cried a lot. I’m not sure that I will get as emotionally attached again because it’s too difficult if / when things end. 💕 I hope you are ok x

I felt sad for DD when her BF of 4 years dumped her. I was also angry because he lied and cheated, yet relieved that he was no longer part of her life.